For once I think I'm happy being me :)
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I'm not really sure what's going on with me. I haven;'t had much of an appetite but I've also had very little motivation for walking at night. I decided to walk for most of my work outs just because it's "me time" and I get to go off for about an hour and listen to my music and try to walk to the beat. It's my alone time with no baby, no kids, and no boyfriend. Just me, by myself. But even though I haven't been walking much lately I still have been losing a bit here and there. I know it could be more if I kept up the exercise but I don't feel the push anymore like it's something I HAVE to do. Not sure if this is a good thing or not. I do stay at the very low end of my calorie range even sometimes not meeting the low end but staying over 1200 cals a day.
I feel like I got this weight loss journey this time around. I feel like I'm in control of my eating and I don't freak out if I have a bad day anymore like if it's a day where I grabbed something for supper instead of cooking myself. I feel like it's okay to have a bad day once in a while especially cuz I know that it's not going to be every day. I feel like I have the portion control under control and that no matter what I'm not ending this journey ever. That I will reach my goal weight someday and that I'm just really happy with the progress I've made so far and that I'm going to keep making this progress. Some weeks will be better than others and I'm okay with that too. I like all the new foods I'm eating. I like that I'm eating more vegetables and fruit and that I don't drink like 4 big glasses of pop a day. I have drank pop a couple of times since I "quit" it. But "quitting" pop to me was not having to drink a litre to 2 litres a day. IF I have pop it's like maybe once a week and it's only that one glass with w/e take out we picked up and that's millions of times better than what it used to be. I feel like I won that challenge.
I also cut down on snacking a whole lot. I do snack sometimes and I know it's out of boredom, but I only snack if I know I can afford if it still keeps me within my range and doesn't push me too close to the high end of it.
I'm winning in this journey. Every day is a new low number. I know it won't always be a new low number and I'm okay with that too. If it starts going up and I KNOW it's my fault that it is then I won't be okay with that and I know I will fix it.
I like that I can go walking because I WANT to, not because I feel like I HAVE to. I like that I choose to walk every day not that I'm being forced to. I like that I feel like I'm "training" myself for the 10k in september. I like that by next week I'm gonna start teaching myself to run again. I talked to my brother who gave me some tips and I found a road that NOBODY travels on so I can drive down to it and park and then run my heart out til I wanna die and be proud of myself for the effort.
I do have my bad days. Bad as in depressed days where I wonder why i can't make any friends in this stupid town and why people don't like me. But I'm concentrating on liking me first and I realize I have this crappy constant negative attitude that probably turns a lot of people off and it's because I'm not happy with me. It's because I feel worthless a lot of days and like life isn't even worth living some times. I'm working on changing this for myself. Because I AM going to be thin one day and I AM worth it. Why? because I said so that's why! I have decided to stop the childish "I'm disgusting and everyone hates me because of it" If people think I am disgusting for being over weight then THEY need the reality check not ME because what a person looks like doesn't define who they are.
I realize this is a weird rambling blog and I apologize to anyone who does read it but this was kind of my little chat to myself I guess so that when I go back and read these blogs.. if that ever happens... I can remember the week where I became happy with my progress and that I don't feel so obsessive with every little thing anymore.
Oh btw.. did I mention my cheekbones came back?? I knew there were there somewhere