Four years ago I went on a diet. It was 1100-1200 cals diet depending on how much weight I lost a week. Results like 2 kilos, 3 kilos were normal and expected on the scale. EVERY week.
After 3 months I dropped the diet and stopped everything all together: The eating less, the exercising, the get in shape mentality and gained all the weight back plus much much more.
However, far more worst than the weight, the psychological baggage that I gained from that period is what I regret most.
At that time, what I lived by was the following :
1- More than 1200 calories a day is gluttonous.
2- The scale is supposed to show 1-3 kilos loss a week or else that week is not fruitful.
3- If, god forbid, the scale didn't budge or shows that I only lost a pound (gaining was not optional) then calories are reduced to 900-1000 for the following week.
After those three months were over, despite the weight loss and the positive comments I was hearing from everyone around me, I began to eat again. I just kept eating and eating and feeling those pounds crawling back one by one. For a while I'd feel frustrated and decide to try losing weight again, but the thing is, every time I tried to lose it I immediately expected 1-2 kilos loss a week and nothing less than that would feel like success for me. When it didn't show on the scale, I'd feel frustrated and stop exercising/watching my food intake.
So I kept getting heavier and heavier every month. My tries to lose it always ended the same so it was a difficult cycle of yo-yo dieting.
I couldn't picture myself thin at all. I felt helpless, powerless and weak because I had no control of my life.
Numerous times I would see one of my friends wearing something hot and would tell myself that that's it, I'm starting tomorrow and not stopping until I become thin so I could wear this or that..But of course, it never happened. The cycle just continued like that, which labeled me in my own eyes, as a failure.
I don't have to talk about how being obese affected my life, because I think everyone knows a bit about that.
What I want to write here in this blog is the goals I'm setting for myself today.. 4 years from that. Four years of self-doubting. Four years of struggling with clothes, hearing hurtful comments, watching everyone else losing their weight, hating food but continuously binging and overeating.
I am done with that.
Today I weigh 99 kilos. It is the highest I've ever been, and the highest among anyone in my family, my mother will be very shocked and disappointed if she knew about it.
But it's okay. If this is the number I have to reach in order for me to finally do this right then so be it. I welcome the 99.
I divided the journey to terms. I know people who weigh a lot weight lose a bit more at the beginning so
Thursday 16-6 To Thursday 23-6
Thursday 23-6 To 30-6
Friday 1-7 To Thursday 1-9
Friday 2-9 To Friday 2-12
Friday 2-12 To Friday 2-3
If you have told me weeks ago that I would consent to the idea of losing about 30 kilos in 7 months, I would have said no thank you. If I'm losing weight I'm losing it FAST. (Which of course meant I won't lose it, and those 9 months would pass me by while I'm still fat, maybe fatter.)
So I feel determinately optimistic this time, or optimistically determined. I've been reading everything I can about emotional eating and portion control so I can gradually change my habits one habit at a time. I also know I will face setbacks and obstacles along the way making me feel like giving up.
But that's why I joined Spark People in the first place