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Fessing Up!- Finally being honest with me (Pics)

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

If you are anything like me, you have told yourself that you are not morbidly obese. If you are anything like me, you have told yourself you are just overweight. If you are anything like me, you have told yourself that genetics made you this way. If you are anything like me, you don't look like this inside your head. If you are anything like me, you are ready to be honest with yourself for the very first time...

Have you ever walked by a mirror or a window and caught your reflection and literally been startled by what you see staring back at you? Have you avoided pictures for years? So none exist? Or there are ones where you are hiding behind the people and things around you? Or where you have contorted your body in a certain way to give the illusion that you have not gotten as big as you really are? Have you made excuse after excuse why you cannot do things or go places? Have you cried at just the thought of having to do even one singular jumping jack? Have you been afraid to that jumping jack because of how you will look, what might happen, or how it will make you feel? All of these things (and more) are things I have done in my everyday life, most of my life...

So this blog is... well... this is me FINALLY being honest with ME and in turn, being honest with anyone who cares to read this... It's time to be REAL! This is happening because it is about freakin time!

This is my life's weight issues story... a long one but condensed to the major parts... This is to remind myself of where I have been but also, to where I have no desire to return...

As you may have guessed, I've had being the "fat girl" issues my whole life....
I started off as a fairly "normal" sized baby/toddler....

See... Wasn't I cute?!? emoticon

Elementary school came along and this is when I first kinda sorta noticed that I was just the slightest bit bigger than all the other kids... By 5th Grade... I was a little bit more so but not too bad.... yet...

By middle school, I was still among the biggest of my class and yep, you guessed it... same with high school...

This is freshman year of high school...

and junior year....

Along came senior year and I was still very much part of the chunk of the month club. I started dating a boy and I remember being thrilled (and in all honesty. a bit surprised) that a boy was interested in me. Being on the bigger side for the entirety of my school career, I spent more time trying to fade into the background than trying to get a boyfriend.

That "boy" and I at my prom... emoticon

Over the next few years, I didn't shed more than 5 pounds here or 10 pounds there and more often than not, I'm sure I was gaining than losing. I knew I was overweight, at this point, I never weighed myself... like EVER! What was the point?

Cutting our wedding cake... I was 9 months pregnant! emoticon

Anyways, good news is that the boy stuck around... We married and are still together after 17 1/2 years & almost 14 years of marriage!!! I am a lucky girl. He has never had a harsh word for me and has accepted me at my worst, so he deserves me at my best!

Thanksgiving 2009

I gave birth to our first son just weeks after my 21st birthday... Now I wish I could say, I gained a humongous amount of weight during that pregnancy but I would be lying to you. And well this is about honesty, right? I only gained about 23 pounds during that pregnancy and I delivered an 11 1/2 lb (yes, I said eleven & a half pounds!) baby by c-section. So, I cannot blame any of what I became on "baby weight". Actually after his birth, I believe I was on the thinner side of what I had been in the few years before his birth. Again, I don't know how much I weighed, just pictures and memory to go by.

A family portrait when our son was about 4 1/2 months old....

I soon started to blow up even more in this next picture when my son was about 8 months old...

At this point, I wish I knew what was ahead of me... maybe at this point, if I knew, I would have tried to stop it. No, I'm lying, no more lying! Truth is, at this point I wasn't ready to realize what was my reality. I was dealing with depression worse than I have ever experienced. So depressed that I do not remember ANY of my childs first year and a half of life. I know that is terrible for a mother to say but it's the truth. I was lost mentally and the place I was in was a very dark place. I contemplated suicide often and really had no will to live. So I buried myself in food, sleep and more food.

These next pictures are of me in my wedding dress again for a family function. It was the only thing that would fit me at the time that was somewhat "dressy". The following pictures are also the only pictures I hold in my possession that show the closest to the biggest size I got to. After this, I avoided all cameras, at all costs!

I wasn't even at my biggest point here!

Next, what comes, should have been a life altering situation. It should have made me change everything about the way I lived my life, right then and there and no looking back... however it didn't.

When our son was almost 3, our cat scratched my shin. Instead of healing it kept opening up and getting worse. I walked around with this sore on my leg for nearly a month. I finally gave in and went to the emergency room. They gave me antibiotics, taught me how to dress it and gave me an appointment for a follow up.

I almost blew off that appointment because I just didn't want to leave my house at this point. However, I did muster up the strength to go and I was told I was diabetic. Terrifying! Another blow... I found out how much weight I had packed on. At my heaviest, at just 23 years old, I was diabetic and a whopping 389 pounds... There I said it. Yeah. 389 pounds!!! Admitting this to the world is one of the hardest things I have ever done. In being honest and telling my story, sharing that little bit of information was something that had to be done. Accountability and finding pride in how far I have come fuels the truth in this blog. Makes me want to strive even more for greatness!

To continue... I almost immediately lost some weight. Not as much as I needed. I still ate all shapes and forms of what really is, plain and simply, crap. I didn't do much but I did a little more than I was doing before. I washed dishes more often. I went up and down stairs to do laundry more often. I walked to the store a block away more often. I did a little more. I managed to lose about 60 pounds and I hit that infamous plateau.

I have been on that plateau for 11 years now. Yo-Yoing between 295-325 for years. I have never really gotten my sugars in check, except when I was pregnant with my second son.

2004 just after my youngest sons birth.

I stayed at about 325-330 for years... I was doing great at maintaining not so great. When my youngest son was about a year old, I was starting to climb again. I got to about 345 and maybe the lord heard my prayers and stopped that! I managed to lose about 20 pounds and that is when the hoovering at 325 began.

Me with my kids in the summer of 2005 at 345 pounds.

My youngest sons birth was a step in the right direction for me, albeit, a baby step. I began taking insulin shots and started weighing myself more often. I have not gone over 325 since then. However, while I took a baby step forward, I was allowing myself to unwittingly take two back. My mind set made me thinking along the lines of, "I'm on insulin now, I can eat whatever I want!" HaHa! Yeah Right! This is why your sugars are out of control and you were at some point taking the maximum amount of insulin you can take! Get real...!

Next, another life altering moment happened. Something that too, should have changed my life style. In 2009, I got down to 320 and I got pregnant! Sadly, at 9 weeks, I found out the pregnancy was an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy and my life was in serious danger. They would normally give an injection to dissolve an ectopic but I was too far along and my baby was already too big for it to work well. So in my scenario, they would normally operate, however, they decided that would be just as dangerous, if not more so, than letting nature take its course. Due to my past abdominal surgeries and well, quite frankly because I was fat, they chose to let me wait it out. After 3 long months of not being able to move in fear of bursting my tube and bleeding to death internally, it was finally over. Why the realization of "your being fat" is the reason why you had to endure that for 3 months eluded me, I don't know. But it did.

Five months later, my 16 year high school reunion came along. I decided to try on a pair of jeans I had owned for a year but could never fit in to. I was like, "OMG! I can button them!" A pair of size 26 jeans with no spandex woven in! Yeah!!!

My husband and I at that reunion... emoticon

A few months later... I get on the scale... jaw dropping, double take... 295!... for the first time in... hmmm... at least 12 years I was under 300 lbs. Now, the emotional toll of the ectopic pregnancy (among other things) creeps up on me from time to time. I went back up to 315. Will this ever end!?! But if I want to be real, I mean REALLY real, I wasn't trying to do anything different. How could I expected to stay at 295? Pah-Leeeezzzzz!

I wish I could tell you that my light bulb, ah ha! moment for making a change was my kids, my husband or anything of great substance. I can't. I won't deny that those things help add to the drive but they were not the cause. Instead in February, I purchased a camera, not the usual $80 dollar point-n-shoot cameras I have used my whole life. I bought a SERIOUS camera! I found that I love it! I love it even more now that I actually know how to use it the way it was intended, on full manual mode!

My ah ha! moment happened with that... I started walking to take pictures of the flowers that were coming out in the spring. Such beauty and wonder I wanted to capture. One day I came across a flower under a bush at the park that I had an intense urge to take a picture of. It meant I would have had to get down on the ground and army crawl underneath that bush to take it. All I could think about was having to get back up. What people would see of me and how they would see me struggling. How uncomfortably awkward it would be. I let my weight over power my will and desire. That was my ah ha! moment! I was tired of letting my weight call all the shots. I was tired of locking myself within the four walls in which I reside every day because of shame. I was tired of ignoring any possibility of life, dreams, passions, adventure, all that and more! I realized I was just plain tired of the life I was living and was ready!

So here I am, I joined SparkPeople and so far it is probably one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself. I didn't think to take a "before" picture of myself so below is the most recent picture I had from before I started here. It was taken on Easter 2011...

BEFORE!!! Now more determined than ever to have an amazing after!

My starting weight was 311 and at my 2 week weigh in I was 305.2. I am moving more than I have in my entire life and boy, am I feeling it! I am a little scared I may be pushing too much too fast but I am trying to listen to my body too.

I have not taken measurements but I noticed that clothes that used to be, what I call "I can see you're fat" loose (where you can see rolls and the tummy under it pretty prominently underneath but still lose) and used to pull them around my knees to stretch them, I haven't had to do that this last week. Which to me means that something about my body is changing!

So, wow, that was a really long post but it was time to lay it on the line. No more lying to myself about my health and my weight. No more lying to myself about being satisfied with what I have become. No more lying to myself that this is all I was meant to be.

We dream for a reason people... anything is possible, we just have to believe that it is!!! Thank you for taking the time to read and I encourage you all to reach for your dreams too!
Much Love & emoticon

On all my posts I like to post a song that helped me through my day with it's message...
Motivational Song of the Day:
Tattoo by Jordin Sparks

I dedicate this to myself... My past has poisoned me, it won't anymore. I realized I'm not broken and there is fixing what is wrong. While who I was and who I am are one and the same, I realize I can leave behind the parts of me that I don't like! My history will always be a part of me (like a tattoo) but it won't define my future. I'm ready to live every second like it was my last one! It's time to live to the fullest!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    For whatever reason, I'm now just seeing this.

    I know how difficult it was for you to write and post this; I recognize how difficult it was for you to accept it. And because you have, you are a little stronger on the inside. And, over time, you will continue to take steps like this, and the inner strength will grown. And when that inner strength grows, so will the outer.

    Love you!

    emoticon emoticon
    2144 days ago
    Wow. Congrats on being serious about you health. This was such an open, honest blog, and if you keep it up, you cannot fail. You are worth it! I will be cheering along your journey. You can do this! emoticon
    2157 days ago
    You are brave, honest, and awesome! This is the kind of truth-telling that leads you exactly where you want to go.
    2157 days ago
    Fantastic blog, thank you so much for sharing all those sometimes hard to share details and being so honest. I found myself nodding along with so many of your experiences. You are doing so well, so glad you are here, KEEP GOING!
    2157 days ago
    Just read this.. Thank you so much for sharing it. ;) I was always a fat girl, too.. It is hard to know what to expect and what I'm going to look like!
    2158 days ago
    So inspired. I really enjoyed reading this. I am in the same boat with you :) emoticon
    2198 days ago
    Thank you for sharing! I wish you the very best in your journey. I have been in a bad place for a while & your story is motivating. I haven't been giving my all since I joined. I keep putting it off, but it's time to care about myself, instead of satisfying my wants. Thanks!
    2486 days ago
    You have done an amazing inspirational job here!!! You should be very proud of yourself! You are making progress and that is what counts!!!!

    Pat yourself on the back girl.....your rocking this thing!! emoticon
    2487 days ago
    Great blog! emoticon
    2507 days ago
    Thank you for sharing you life with us.. We are all here for the same common goal.. to get healthy...When it is a struggle.. read this log that you wrote.. it will keep you on track. and you touched my heart and soul... thank you for being her... I am addeding you as a friend.. if you need word of encouragement scream holler cry or just share great news.. i am ere.. Hugs and love
    2507 days ago
  • SWELL10
    What an awesome blog. Very honest. You are gonna do great! You can do it and we'll be here to cheer you on! emoticon emoticon
    2508 days ago
    what a great, honest, inspirational blog. you're on your way, woman! keep up the great (HARD) work! =)
    2508 days ago
  • CAROLJ35
    WOW!!! What an amazing blog!!! You are to be commended for being so honest and really wanting to go in the right direction now!
    You and your family are all so good-looking and I look forward to seeing the finished product. Hope to read more of your blogs in this journey!

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    2508 days ago
    Great blog - thank you so much for sharing, and I wish you much success as your work to achieve your goals. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!

    - Michelle
    2508 days ago
  • JODY22002
    What a beautiful blog. I mean that.

    Take your measurements. I know it's a daunting task but you will be so happy you did later because there will be weeks where the scale doesn't move but the inches do and on those weeks, the measuring tape will be what keeps you on track.

    You can do this!
    2508 days ago
    I am really proud of you for being so honest with yourself and putting it out on SP to be accountable too. I want to encourage you in your journey!
    2508 days ago
    I am so glad that you shared your story. Your story is truly inspiring! You can be the person you want to be! You will fall but just keep going. Be sure to measure because it shows results that the scale won't show. Thank you again for sharing and I wish you the very best in your journey! emoticon
    2521 days ago
    2522 days ago
    What an amazing and inspiring post. You've shared what so many of us have felt, and really opened yourself up in a way that so few of us can. I'm really proud of you, and really excited to see how well you're going to do now that you've put your mind to it! You rock!
    2536 days ago
  • AMY_1217
    Wow! What an amazing blog! I'm so proud of you. You can't even BEGIN to imagine how inspiring you are. I'm sitting here wiping tears from my eyes. You know, I've tried to lose weight almost all my life, but the day I got on those scales and saw that it said 312 pounds, I froze. I just couldn't believe it. And then I bawled like a baby for a day or two. :P After that, I signed up for Spark. And honest to God, it just feels DIFFERENT this time! I'm not here to lose weight. That's just a wonderful side effect. I'm here to get healthy and to live my life to the fullest!

    Thank you for sharing you story and all those beautiful pictures! And I'd like you to look at that prom picture again. Look at that beautiful, healthy girl. Isn't it weird that when we were that size, we felt just as fat as we do now? Its amazing how terribly hard we can be on ourselves!

    I'm so proud of you!
    2536 days ago
  • HANNAHRN2012
    What a great blog! Truly inspiring! Thank you.
    2536 days ago
    YOU CAN do it!!!!!
    I really loved reading your blog I love the fact that your being open and just putting it all out there that is how you can move forward.
    No matter what don't give up you know where your goals are you know where you want to be. YOU CAN DO IT!

    2539 days ago
    What a beautiful blog entry! You are so brave. It really sounds like you're ready to take your life back, I believe you can do it!
    2539 days ago
    You are an amazing inspiration. Good luck on your journey!
    2540 days ago
    Thank you so much for your inspiring blog post! You are beautiful and amazing, and your drive is ah inspiring! Keep it up! You will make this happen!

    2540 days ago
    You are amazing and wonderful. You keep persevering and you are getting healthier, one step, one bite at a time. Keep up the great work. You can do it.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2540 days ago
    Hey, you know what, this can be done. Hang in there. Keep chipping away at it.

    Sometimes it takes a few false starts. OK, maybe more than a few. But even slipping (which happens) helps teach us how to get it right the next time.

    Whatever you do, just never, Ever, EVER give up!

    Do take measurements. According to all the research I've done, the tape measure is the best way to assess changes in body composition (i.e. fat loss versus muscle loss). That way if/when you hit plateaus you can see that you're still making progress.

    2540 days ago
    What an amazing blog. I think most all of us have lived with those same issues. I know I have. Thanks so much for sharing your story and your courage. Such an inspiration. We will take this journey along with you. May we each be successful in our efforts. It's time to take charge of the future. Good luck
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    2540 days ago
    Keep on keepin on! It's worth it! You are worth it! And thanks for sharing! Sparkpeople is one of the best things I have ever done for myself. And accepting that it was up to me to change me was monumental! You are on your way and we are with you! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2540 days ago
  • REDSHOES2011
    Thanks for sharing your story, beautiful blog, and beautiful family.. emoticon
    2540 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your story. Being honest and accountable to yourself, most importantly, is a fantastic step forward. Your blog also reminded me of something (how afraid I used to be of ever jumping before), and I used that reminder as an opportunity to write it down and keep that as motivation for myself not to regain the weight I've lost. So thank you also for that.
    2540 days ago
    2540 days ago
    I liked your blog a lot. So many things you said are very true for me also! The hiding behind others or things in pictures, or just plain not having any is a very good example!
    Keep up the awesome work you are doing!! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2540 days ago
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    2540 days ago
    I am so proud of you!
    2541 days ago
  • FIREFLY1967
    Wow, I really enjoyed your blog, it gave me chills!! I wish you all the best in reaching your goals. I am trying to get real with myself as well, but you are definitley on your way and more honest with yourself than I am with myself.

    2541 days ago
  • DISP715
    Ok, so you made me cry. Thank you for your amazing honesty. Have you read any of Geneen Roth's books?? I especially like "When Food is Love" and "Women, Food and God". Anyway, in her books she says over and over that unless we are willing to find out WHY we eat, nothing will change. Along with that comes feeling pain. Real pain, pain that we have covered up for years. We have to FEEL the pain in order to get past it and to move forward. I hope and pray that your journey takes you to that place of health. Thanks for sharing. HUGS!!
    2541 days ago
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