Resetting the ol' ticker: courage & honesty
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
It's been a rough four months. My stress level has been soaring to ultimate highs. I'm not good at admitting that I need help or even admitting that I'm stressed to the max. It takes courage for me to even write this.
It takes courage for me to tell everyone that in March I began stressing about the end of the school year. The pressure of trying to get grades done, trying to keep my head above water, and trying to give those kids the education they deserve had me treading water as fast as I could.
It takes courage for me to tell everyone that in April I had a miscarriage. Everyone told me it's not my fault. Everyone says there is nothing I did wrong. Sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't. It happens to millions of people all across the world, yet I still asked myself, "why me?" I am pretty sure I'm healed now, the wounds have scarred over.
It takes courage for me to tell everyone that the effects of the mc were possibly detrimental to my maintenance mode. I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted, however much I wanted, whenever I wanted. I told myself I deserved it, I'd been through enough. Justification can be a biotch. I gained but didn't much care.
It takes courage for me to tell everyone that I justified my stress eating and lack of exercise in April/May, too, because I was buying a house. The process had my emotions going up, down, up, down, like a rollercoaster about to fly off the tracks. My husband says we will never buy a house again because of the stressful process (I am sure that is not true :)). I told myself as we were moving that that was all the exercise I needed. Moving in itself was exercise, right? Hmmm....I'm re-thinking that thought now.
In May, my first class I've ever taught graduated. I was sad and stressed about that. I threw a wedding shower for my sister at my house a week later (two weeks after moving into my new home). I planned for the future in my teaching, completed homework for my masters class, planned a trip to Las Vegas for my sister's wedding, organized a new bill paying system for the new place, cleaned anything I could at the new place. Did you see any exercise in there? Not really, because it was minimal and spotty at best.
It took courage for me to weigh myself after weeks. And it took courage for me to finally reset my ticker to reflect the weight I'd gained: 13 pounds. I'm on to being honest, now, as I recommit to this healthy lifestyle.
I'm being honest that I have gained because of lack of exercise and eating whatever the heck I want. Now that it's out there, it's time to get back to it. I'm glad that I am back to it now, and ready to get rid of these 13 pounds. I'm hoping and praying that my Sparkfriends will help encourage me as I get back to it. Truly, it takes courage to get back to it and courage to ask for help, so I'm hoping there are some out there to do that for me. In fact, I know there are!