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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Is it time for confessions? I think it is time for confessing. It’s time to be done with this self-pity party I have been holding for myself. Quite frankly I am tired of it. I have been in a funk for quite some time. So much so that I feel that I have gone backwards, mentally. I am going to put all of it out of my brain so that I am not holding on to it anymore. It is getting too heavy and weighing me down. More than that, it is dragging me down and I am tired of carrying it. I feel like lately, there is negativity everywhere around me. Surrounding me and crushing me. I know my perception is tainted by what is going on in my head. I feel like I am back at the beginning of my journey. When I believed that I wasn’t good enough. When I believed I was a failure, and only expected that much from me. Do you know what I see when I look at me, even now? Fat. I look at me and I see the Me from a year ago. I feel like a failure. I feel lost. My job has been turned on its head. I haven’t been running. I feel like everyone around me is pointing out, on an almost daily basis, what I am doing wrong. I'm wasting my time at my job. I don't spend enough time with my son. I ran this ticket wrong. You didn't print out that report I needed. This deposit went into the wrong account. You shouldn't have eaten that. You should work out more. It’s wearing on me to the point that those bad voices are back in my head telling me what a failure i am. I have picked up the message from everyone around me that i have fallen back into old habits (read: eating to hide from/soothe/smother all feeling so I don’t have to deal with anything), and now all those negative thoughts are back in my head. The ones that had me feeling worthless and had me curled up on the kitchen floor believing that I wasn't good enough for anyone. It is a constant, daily battle to keep myself from falling apart. Sometimes if I think about it, try to deal with these feelings, I lose my grip on the small amount of control I have that IS holding me together. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't get out of bed in the morning. I guess I don't have to be 300 lbs to feel like a big, fat failure. People give me compliments on how well I am doing, and inside i am screaming, "If you only knew!!!" If you only knew the truth. That the outside doesn't reflect the inside. Those voices are back, and I have been listening. I am not tracking my food anymore. I basically have been eating what I want when I want, and when I don’t. I can’t say that I don’t care anymore, because I do, otherwise I wouldn’t still be running or going to Zumba whenever I can get there. I just can’t get myself to put in that last little kick of effort that I know that I need. It is that lack of push that keeps me from breaking this plateau I have been on for about 5 months now. It keeps me in place and keeps from moving forward. I can hear people tell me how good I am doing, and how great I look, but I don’t believe them. I don’t allow myself to believe them because when I look at me I see that Fat Girl again. I thought I had put her to rest. I thought I had moved past her and forward into my new life. I guess I got too comfortable because when I wasn’t looking she appeared again. She stands there and judges. Judges the loose skin, the flabby arms, the extra padding on my hips and rear end. She doesn’t see what other people see. She sees how far I still have to go, not how far I have come. She blocks my brain from remembering how to move past her vision of me into what is actually there. It used to be, not so long ago, that I could look at a picture and see how far I have come, and now, I see what she sees…failure. Failure to complete what I have started. Failure that I am staying at a job that I am pretty sure is going nowhere. Failure at pretty much everything I have ever tried to do. Does this seem a bit extreme? Yeah, part of me agrees, but part of me thinks that it makes perfect sense. It isn’t all sunshine and roses. It isn’t always races run, and weights lifted. Sometimes it is struggles and questions. Sometimes its doubts and fears. Sometimes it is feeling lost and desperately wanting, needing to find your way back to the right path. Sometimes you have to admit, not only to yourself, but to others, that you can’t find your way back on your own… Sometimes you have to quit whining and DO SOMETHING about it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I could pretty much copy and paste this into my blog. I am in this exact spot at the moment.
    2516 days ago
    Emily, everyone of your sparkfriends understands. We all have those down times, and for most of us taking stock of our blessings and our achievements is enough to get us out of the slumps. If you continually feel like this, perhaps you need help from a trusted source, either from your place or worship or to seek professional assistance.

    I hope you find a new day makes you take stock of your progress, look at your goals and reassess how you will continue.

    We are with you, emoticon !
    2517 days ago
    I've been kind of in a funk myself but am not sure what is causing it yet. I've been eating waaaaay too much and the scale is showing it. It could be an accumulation of stress (work, school, family life) even though everyone tells me I'm doing a great job (at work and school grades prove it), I'm still not feeling it. I hope to snap out of it soon! I'm begun forcing my diet even though it's tough and I'm faltering (eating at about 1600 - 1700 calories) just a bit but I'm doing better than I was (2300+).
    2518 days ago
    I just got out of the funk myself and it's a slow process. It's normal and you aren't alone. I wish I had a magic wand or magic words to help you. You will find your way again and come out stronger than before. Take care of yourself, you are worth it!
    2518 days ago
  • MANDYH0506
    Not what I expected you to write, but in a way, I'm relieved. I've been in a funk for at least a month now and even when I have a mind to change, I haven't found the motivation yet. But I will! And so will you! It relieves me to know I'm not the only one struggling. Before SP, I would have wallowed in the whining and self-pity. Now I have this great community to rely on and blogs like yours to relate to. This makes all the difference.
    Thanks for writing the blog I was not prepared to write for myself. Good luck on your journey, I know you can break out of this funk!!
    2518 days ago
    Emily, having freshly gone through this myself I can very much identify with what you're saying. Several of my Spark Friends recommended a book called A Course In Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson. I have no idea what your spiritual background is, but this book is written primarily from a Christian standpoint. In it though, she says it doesn't really matter what your spiritual belief. I have done a lot of reading about nutrition, exercise, forming new habits, etc, but once I started reading her book (I'm still just in the first couple of chapters myself) I realized that there had still been a piece of the puzzle missing. I know religion can be a touchy thing, so I apologize if mentioning this makes you uncomfortable, but I'd strongly encourage anyone that feels that there spirit may be wounded (hello self-hate) to check it out. Please feel free to hit me up if you have any questions about it.

    2519 days ago
    Emily-Rose - This blog that you just wrote, takes me by complete
    surprise ! I hope that things are not really all that bad, for you.
    Please try to get the required amount of sleep every night,
    and be sure to give yourself proper nutrition, every day.
    On top of that, try to work in all kinds of activity, daily, to
    keep you fit ! All these healthful activities - the sleeping,
    the healthy eating, and the exercising - will help you to
    achieve success in your many daily challenges !
    Don't worry - emoticon
    emoticon Please do not hesitate to write to any of us
    SparkPeople, when you have a question, or concern !
    We would be happy to help !
    2519 days ago
    I hope writing this blog helped you work things out. I hope you recognize that even though you are feeling all these things right now, tomorrow is another day. Get that picture of you with your husband and Hayden after the race on Mother's Day with the medal around your neck and that huge smile on your face and put it by your bed. As soon as you wake up take a look at that beautiful family and remember that you can allow yourself to feel happy, just like you did that day!

    2519 days ago
  • BRIDGIE1028
    I could have written this blog. Well, you have a better way with words than I do, but this is exactly how I have been feeling too. I wrote a blog that echoes these sentiments a couple days ago. It's so hard to snap out of it. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.
    2519 days ago
    Oh, Emily, I'm so sorry you're going through a rough spot. Hang in there!

    2519 days ago
  • CHAS1949
    As the others have said, this is very normal and most of us have gone through all the ups and downs, too. I am in a funk right now, but know I must step up and get back on track. Maybe it's the winter blues and the lack of a real spring this year...whatever...You can do this!! I can do this!!

    2519 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    Oh, honey. Just like being obese was not a permanant condition, this is not a permanant state either. I am a lifelong struggler so I could relate to what you are saying. Sometimes, I just have to quietly remind myself "I am enough". If I don't believe it, I have to say it again. Sometimes, I just need to have a big cry. Mostly, I need to get out of myself and find others to encourage because I get so sick of myself and my own struggles and there is always someone else who needs a hand. I have also taught myself, when I am listing all my faults and troubles, to make myself list a corresponding blessing or gift. From reading your blogs, I am guessing the list is long. I do know, however, when I am spiritually out of whack, all my blessings can feel like burdens. Take care. emoticon
    2519 days ago
  • LAURIE5658
    Emily, this is normal. As you know I suffered through a deep funk since mid-winter and it sucked. I wanted to do NOTHING but eat and drink alcohol to make it all go away. Some way somehow I fought and clawed my way back. It took me literally about 2 months to do it bit I did it. I am now back to working out on a regualar basis...both cardio and ST. I did not hae to go back on meds because I dug down deep to find my way back home. It was not easy.

    I have a feeling the cruxt of this is work. A big part of my funk was a low workload at work and I was stressing over it. That and along with this damned ownership transition thing that seems to last for frikken ever (long story). Long story short, workload is building up again and the transition is moving forward. In the meantime, I was easy on myself and gave me some slack. I worked tirelessly NOT to think negatively. I ran when I could and if I didn't get x amount of miles in per week I just said thats ok. I dug down deep and slowly picked away at what was really bothering me. I would deal with those things one at a time.

    The most important thing I did that probably helped me the most was to simply pray. I prayed for comfort at those moments when I was weak. I prayed at those moments when I had a simple accomplishment. I prayed again when I was stressing over something. I prayed alot. God carried me through and He will carry you through this too. I promise you.

    You can and WILL get through this. You are at a crossroads and it is up to you what direction you go. This is go time. Not to add stress to you, but it is time to stand up straight, take a deep breath and proclaim that you will move foreward with your hopes and dreams.


    Sincerely, your loving Mother in law

    2519 days ago
    Don't want to sound like a Mom here but I gotta ask. Does that fat girl you keep referring to ever have to fight the "PMS girl"?

    I have been your spark friend for awhile and I defnitely love to read your blogs and it seems there may be a bit of a cycle to these emotions. Do you battle with PMS? If not I'd have to say the last line of your blog is the answer. If there is anything I can do to help or encourage you just let me know.

    2519 days ago
    You aren't feeling no different than me right now. I feel the same exact way. I have lost 121 pounds, and I can't see it sometimes. You're right! We've got to stop the whining and hit it hard! Goodluck on your journey.
    2519 days ago
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