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Spinning the Wheel vs. Spinning my Wheels

Saturday, May 28, 2011

So today, as I have done for the past 97 days, I logged into SP and immediately went to my sparkpoints to spin the wheel and get my log in points. Wow!! 97 days consecutive days of being active on this site, at least checking in for a spin and usually more, more than 1000 sparkpoints earned this month..so..why do I feel like I am at least in the same place I was when I started this streak, if not even a bit behind where I was in terms of my weight?

I know, I know, it's not all about the scale, it's about the lifestyle changes, the gradual process, I get all that. And truth be told, I think it could be said that I am doing very well with the getting regular exercise and bringing good food into our home and planning and eating well.. But still, despite all that, interspersed with some very great living, have been all too frequent periods of bad food choices. Usually, when I get on a roll like this, the bad food choices stop, and though I've had some great little streaks within this long streak of eating well, planning out everything and completely being able to resist that little nighttime snack, I have had too many times that I have prowled my kitchen like a predator looking for its next prey.

This is a song I've sung so many times before, I am quite fed up with it, but not fed up enough to stop these occasions, apparently. It is oh so frustrating and deflating, and I'm not quite sure what my next step should be. I have certainly studied this pattern of mine ad nauseum, and have to say that I cannot find a pattern or trigger. I've even had many of those serious chats with myself about whether I am being honest with myself, even if I can't be honest with anyone else..am I eating to fill some other need? Is there something going on that I am not acknowledging, or facing, or well, whatever.. And in my heart of hearts, I have to say my life is good. Oh, it's busy, and stressful, but no busier or more stressful than anyone else's.

One of the great philosophers said something like "I live, therefore I am." (is that the exact quote? I'm on too much of a roll right now to stop and see what it was exactly and who said it, because that is beside the point I'm trying to make) And my feeling for me right now is "I am awake at night, therefore I eat." If I am not awake at night, I don't eat, I don't even think about eating. But let's face it, there are times that I'm going to be awake at night, and I can't just keep going to bed early to avoid the issue of my nighttime eating.

Usually, when I start writing a blog like this, I end up at a place that puts me in a better position to assess the situation, or I have one of those eureka moments, or I get that little "click" in my brain that puts me onto something. But for reasons I cannot explain, I am on this long streak of doing much of what spark tells me to do, and yet...nothing. I have been involved in the Spring 5% challenge..lose 5% of your weight in an 8 week period. The last time I got myself involved in a challenge, I did awesome, so I thought this challenge would definitely be good for me, but it's not working this time. And not only that, I was going along, pretty good until last Saturday when I stepped on the scale and suddenly there was a 4 lb gain, totally unexpectedly. Well, that really burst my bubble, because though I had not been doing a stellar job, nothing in what I had been doing could have accounted for that kind of gain. So I tried to put it out of my head and have worked pretty hard this week, and it finally looked like it was going to be okay..back down to where it had been before it ballooned up and I was going along great, until yesterday morning, when I got on and suddenly it was back up to last Saturday's weight plus one.. I have not weighed myself yet today, and don't know whether I will. I am feeling kind of stuck, in a rut, without a plan to get myself out. And yet, I exercise almost every day, I plan my meals and bring my snacks, and do everything I'm supposed to do,

I will say this...there is some anger inside me right now about all this, and as I look back at last night, a night I did the night time eating thing, I think I did eat with anger. Anger that this whole process is so imperfect, that my body doesn't work the way it used to. In my younger days, it was oh so much easier to take weight off. I could never keep it off, but boy, once I set my mind to it, I could lose it. If I were to give any advice to anyone out there right now who might (still!!) be reading this ridiculously long blog, it would be if you are in your 20s or 30s, do it now and find a way to keep it off, because your body will start to betray you once you hit your 40s and 50s..it just doesn't come off as easily as you get older, and once you take it off, keep up the good work and remain ever vigilant, because once you think "I'll never gain weight again" and start to slip, you will gain weight. If 51 years of battling weight have taught me anything, that is it..

So, many words later, no solutions in the offing, I am going to go get my busy day going. It will include exercise, it will include trying to eat well. It might not include weighing myself (oh yes, I was going to write about the weigh yourself daily vs. not weighing yourself daily conundrum, but I think I'll save that for another time, I do have some theories about that...). All we can do is keep on trying.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Yow, sister!

    I am so wrapped up in my own stuff, that I never read this til today.. wow. Hope at this late date you are in a better place.

    I get the anger... sort of "fine, if you're gonna put it on regardless, why not feed you pizza?"

    Hugs, sis...
    3463 days ago
    I have no words of wisdom but I can commiserate.

    I have battling my weight most of my life. I have recently tried a lower carb way of eating...South Beach Diet (it seems like as my body gets older it wants to store everything)... and I added some simple strength training (I am new at this!) because in theory, building muscle will help convince my body to burn it instead of store it. I am losing a little...but I don't know how long that will last! The 5% Challenge seems to help me stay on track but I still slip! Don't be so hard on yourself! Keep trying... you are worth the effort!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3474 days ago
    Tina - I'm sending you some huge hugs! I don know how you feel though. We've all been there at one point or another. I've pretty much been gaining and losing the same 5-10 pounds for the past year and a half. It is frustrating and some days I just want to throw in the towel and give up, but I keep plugging along with the exercise (of course, you know that!). Hang in there!
    3477 days ago
    I totally hear you on this Tina. I've been "stuck" for way too long. I "spin the wheel" but feel like I am just "spinning my wheel" and going nowhere fast.

    To add injury to insult, my little guy has taken it upon himself the past two days to tell me how big I am. Nice huh? Last night it was because of how far out a chair was from the table I was sitting. This morning he came in putting his jeans on and said, "Are these yours or mine...they are big like yours." If only he knew how hurtful and cutting these words are to me. I just wanted to curl up and cry. The timing for the words is horrible as I've been really down on myself this week for "spinning my wheels."

    So I spiral into...go back to the gym or join Curves. I could go on the evenings they are at Taekwondo and then again on Saturday's. I think "join WW online." Hasn't worked before though. Why can't I make this all happen?! I am a busy person and I truly don't think I am just standing in front of the frig or pantry all day long.

    Okay...enough! Hugs to us both!
    3477 days ago
    Tina, you may not be were you want to be (GPS system taking you in the wrong direction, lol life does get in the way for sure). But you have to remember, where might you be if you were not involved with Sparks and being conscious about what you are doing?
    3478 days ago
  • NANCYE43
    I know your disappointment and frustration - moving backwards is not where we want to go. I know that for myself trying to fight really stong urges doesn't necessarily work. I try to build snacks into my food plan because I know I am going to want them. I also must be very strict about what I allow into the house because if it is there I will eat it. I try healthier substitutions, like hot chocolate or low-fat milk with chocolate syrup for late-night treats. I don't know if any of this will help, but I want to encourage you to keep trying to find a solution. emoticon
    3478 days ago
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