Thursday, May 26, 2011
I don't understand why I keep putting my faith in my mom. All she ever does is disappoint me. I love her to death but she always breaks her promises. Right now I'm rely on her and I hate that I believe her just to be crushed again and again. I should know by now that I can't. There are two courses that I was taking so I can hopefully get part-time work in the fall. She has known this forever and promised to pay for them. The first one I worked my butt off to get a grant because she didn't have the money. Then she promised me that she would have it for the next one. I kept reminding her that the due date was coming up and she kept promising that she would have it in time. Now here we are a week away and she says she can't pay for it. When we were kids we always gave our birthday and holiday money to her, we would keep a tab on top of the fridge of what she owed us. Eventually is was so high we gave up. My aunt and uncle gave us education bonds to pay for school but my mom took them so when it came time for university I had to work two jobs to afford it. In high school I worked two jobs and 98% of my money went to her. She is always asking us for money when cars break. She booked a cruise for her and my dad one year. She was going to pay it off a little each pay. When the due date came she calls me saying they don't have the money to pay the rest. I was in Korea at the time. I lent her the money and she said I would get it back in a month. Well I finally got it back a year and a half later, and that was only because I needed it for a trip my brother and I were going on. I was going to stay in Korea for another year so I would have the money saved for school but my mom re-mortgaged the house and promised to pay for it. I told her to give me the money to hold onto it. She said it would be fine. When it came time to pay my father and I were scrambling to get loans. I worked my butt off to get a bunch of bursaries. One went directly to her because the truck broke. It's not just me, it's my brothers too. Why is it that when she needs us we are there for her but when we need her she's not. Yes, she buys my groceries, and now that I'm back home I live rent free. By I've been working either two jobs and at least one of them full-time since I was fourteen! Can she not just help herself for once!?! And her she is planning a cruise with my cousin for October. There is no way in hell I'm paying for it!
I'm struggling with staying or leaving. In high school, my guidance counselor told me I needed out. I needed to get away. I thought she was crazy, but I left anyway. I worked a lot to pay for it but it was better than working to see it go to my mom. I left for Korea to pay off debts. If I stay, I don't know if I will ever get a job that I want, but I will get to stay in the area I love with my family that I love. I don't know at what other cost though. If I leave, I can make a lot of money, in a job that I love, but I will be away from my family.
I asked my older brother for money. He said no because he is trying to save money for a business he wants to start. I'm going to ask my younger brother. I know he will give it to me because he is just awesome. But I don't know if I want to take it because my mom owes him so much. He worked so hard to earn the money and he will never see what she took ever again. Why the hell does everything revolve around money?!?! All I want is a job doing what I love! I hate that in Ontario I spend a zillion years and a billion dollars on school just to be put on a waiting list for the waiting list. And to get on the waiting list I have to take more courses. I should just leave. Pay off my debt, even if it's hard to be away at least I will love my job! If only I could afford the plane ticket. I should go back to Korea. They paid my plane ticket. Hell, they paid everything. It's not as high paying but at least I can get there. I've applied for a zillion cashier, telemarketing, bull jobs. Hopefully I can get one, save money for a plane ticket and just leave. I just don't want to leave my family. Even my mom. If it wasn't for money she would be the perfect mom. She is awesome, just bad with money.