On to week 4!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Last week was hell. I put myself through so much that I was exhausted by the end of the week. Not from working out, from trying to battle demons that have been screwing with me since I started this whole journey.
I didn't work out very much last week and I also didn't eat the greatest either. I didn't go over my range at all but I did snack more than normal and I didn't drink as much water as I should have or eat as many veggies or fruit as normal either and didn't take any vitamins.
This week WILL be different. I'm going to be working my ass off this week with exercise and also back to tracking everything I eat. I think my demons have vanished - for now - and I can focus back on making progress. I'm realizing that I also can't keep my thoughts just to myself anymore - about not doing good enough, about not looking better than I did 15lbs ago, about just not being good enough in general.. if that makes sense- I know writing them down here helps a little.. but trying to act like everything is okay all the time is wearing me out and making me feel even more worthless. I just wish I knew why I don't feel like I should be allowed to be proud of myself. My whole attitude in general is crappy. It's like I'm still beating myself up for getting to this point in my life that the small victories don't matter because I'm still fat. And also that i don't honestly believe I can do it. It's so dumb.. when I talk to people about it.. like my mom or dad or my brother or Jason or whoever I get excited about what I am doing but left to my own thoughts inside my dumb head I keep telling myself not to get excited cuz I'm gonna fail and it's all gonna come back. Bah! Amazing what you figure out when just randomly writing stuff down. That's my problem right there. I feel like I'm still going to fail. This is why I am not happy with my little victories! Because I don't believe they are permanent. I've tried to lose in the past and failed every time after three weeks. I've been on this journey since the very beginning of april but made changes halfway through and started fresh. So it says week 4.. but it's really like week 8. And I'm still focused on doing this. which means I've gotten past my 3 week "hump". But still feel like I'm going to fail.
Okay so now what. How do I chase that monster demon out for good? I HAVE to be able to support MYSELF through this journey otherwise what is the point?
Sorry for this weird blog.