Time to change the little brats diapers! or the day after 'Twas
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Upon thinking of my “problems” yesterday that I blogged about, the phrase spoiled brat came to mind, at best, get over yourself, or a taunting, “you poor thing”. I am indeed a “fortunate son” to have such horrible problems as my iPad2 was delivered too early, and I had to change my schedule around- that I can do without constraint of a boss over me, or obligations of children, etc.
The main reason I wrote my blog yesterday was as a way to try and calm down a rage that I knew at the time was way out of proportion, and totally unwarranted, but was there. I have been trying to find ways to comfort myself that don’t involve large amounts of food, so I thought a bit of word play, and a lot of being a smart ass and complaining might be the dessert I needed. As a tool for this it worked well- although I lost the first version when the website froze. I was p.o.- kind of fit the theme of the day- at the site and my not writing it in word first.Due to a very stubborn personality, and a gut feeling that it had helped, and knowing if I didn’t finish it / post it I’d be more aggravated, I re-wrote it and actually was late to pick up the package at the distribution center.
I go into this as way of apologizing for being so upset at such a nice problem- I could afford an iPad2, and it had arrived early. I had indeed been jerked around about actual time to deliver, shipping costs, and redone my schedule and my crews- had to sign for it, not to mention, I had been on the phone for three days to Apple support, only to find out the “fix” after the 7th call to “support” for my iphone had wiped out everything, and I had about 10 hours of re-building ahead of me, to get back to where I was. But with this said, as far as problems go in this world, they ain’t that bad, and I need to “get over it”. I think in large part my expectations weren't met, I didn't get my dessert, and I kicked and screamed- hey I am a guy!
The other reason to post today was to work through the real problem at hand which provided so much fuel for my little problem above to ignite. Any numbers of probs. could have set off such a response- most likely with less harm done to Longfellow- and the real problem is far from Fed Ex. or Apple. My always totally crazy Spring season schedule has been totally blown up with weather problems, and my health problems, and so any “schedule” problem, will touch off the powder keg. Besides the schedule nightmare that is my health, I am getting so worn down by the frequency of problems, that I am losing my drive and hope that I can regain it. This gut level worry is really causing a lot of anxiety / worry.
The last few weeks, after recovering from my surgery, I was a day away from being able to exercise again- no activity for 10 weeks after abdominal surgery, and my back went out. I was praying I'd get back to PT before my back went, and didn't and evenI thought I’d need surgery again and was very discouraged. I decided to try PT anyway instead of outpatient surgery and was working through it, and was just starting to feel less pain, when I got a sore throat, from a virus.
This went into an inner ear infection with very strong vertigo, then the first day I could work I got severe joint pain after a day on site, and now I have diverticulitis again due to the pain killers I took for the pain, which was more intense and lasted longer than in the past. As those who know me know, this has gone on for two and a half years. I now have hit 40 different health illnesses injuries in that time. Nothing terminal and I do have great medical care, it just feels like death by a thousand paper cuts and I weary of my own narrative and my resolve.
I am worried, because instead of picking an unrealistically optimisitc goal to re-schedule with PT or my water aerobics trainer, I didn’t even call PT back when I had to cancel my last apt. and I e-mailed my trainer, that I have no idea when I can train again, and I’ll contact her later.
So, I think my underlying powder keg has been slowly losing my inner hope and drive, which has pushed me to ruin in some ways physically, financially, but has also rallied me back time and again from problems, and is such a source of confidence that I can overcome anything. At this point with a lot of bad problems, it is the only thing that can get me out of this, along with a little help from my friends. I think this little blow up, has at least shown me the intensity of the problems within, and the need to caretake them.
In dealing with emotional eating, I am developing mindfulness tools, to diffuse, re-focus, trick my urge to eat until the urge passes, and my reason, and commitment to my health goals returns to my focus. I have been looking for and working with the underlying problems, and it does help. I am so glad I used the tool of writing yesterday when upset yesterday, and just wish I’d have kept it in a journal instead of posting it.
This event just has showed me, that I have to drop the pressure of my schedule, deal with my health worries in therapy, and use some tricks or tools when I feel the initial anger, rage triggered to buy time, so as to let my gut, mind, feelings not be fed in a negative way, to get engorged until I can calm down enough to let my reason, and understanding come back in to give perspective.
The delightfully ironic karmic ass kick, is that my iPhone fixes, didn’t work I find out, so I can’t sync the iPad2 until all the bugs are fixed, so I can’t even turn it on now that I have it.
So, I need to work on my mindfulness tools to head off the anger in the first place, and not only have the tricks and tools to head off the emotional eating once I am triggered. I also feel I need to call my dear teacher and go over a few points about Karma, to get my head and heart on straight again! And in the end, I need to think more on what a “fortunate son” I am and to rejoice in all the gifts and toyies this life can bring. take care, bob