1-99 SparkPoints 9

Time to change the little brats diapers! or the day after 'Twas

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Upon thinking of my “problems” yesterday that I blogged about, the phrase spoiled brat came to mind, at best, get over yourself, or a taunting, “you poor thing”. I am indeed a “fortunate son” to have such horrible problems as my iPad2 was delivered too early, and I had to change my schedule around- that I can do without constraint of a boss over me, or obligations of children, etc.

The main reason I wrote my blog yesterday was as a way to try and calm down a rage that I knew at the time was way out of proportion, and totally unwarranted, but was there. I have been trying to find ways to comfort myself that don’t involve large amounts of food, so I thought a bit of word play, and a lot of being a smart ass and complaining might be the dessert I needed. As a tool for this it worked well- although I lost the first version when the website froze. I was p.o.- kind of fit the theme of the day- at the site and my not writing it in word first.Due to a very stubborn personality, and a gut feeling that it had helped, and knowing if I didn’t finish it / post it I’d be more aggravated, I re-wrote it and actually was late to pick up the package at the distribution center.

I go into this as way of apologizing for being so upset at such a nice problem- I could afford an iPad2, and it had arrived early. I had indeed been jerked around about actual time to deliver, shipping costs, and redone my schedule and my crews- had to sign for it, not to mention, I had been on the phone for three days to Apple support, only to find out the “fix” after the 7th call to “support” for my iphone had wiped out everything, and I had about 10 hours of re-building ahead of me, to get back to where I was. But with this said, as far as problems go in this world, they ain’t that bad, and I need to “get over it”. I think in large part my expectations weren't met, I didn't get my dessert, and I kicked and screamed- hey I am a guy!

The other reason to post today was to work through the real problem at hand which provided so much fuel for my little problem above to ignite. Any numbers of probs. could have set off such a response- most likely with less harm done to Longfellow- and the real problem is far from Fed Ex. or Apple. My always totally crazy Spring season schedule has been totally blown up with weather problems, and my health problems, and so any “schedule” problem, will touch off the powder keg. Besides the schedule nightmare that is my health, I am getting so worn down by the frequency of problems, that I am losing my drive and hope that I can regain it. This gut level worry is really causing a lot of anxiety / worry.

The last few weeks, after recovering from my surgery, I was a day away from being able to exercise again- no activity for 10 weeks after abdominal surgery, and my back went out. I was praying I'd get back to PT before my back went, and didn't and evenI thought I’d need surgery again and was very discouraged. I decided to try PT anyway instead of outpatient surgery and was working through it, and was just starting to feel less pain, when I got a sore throat, from a virus.

This went into an inner ear infection with very strong vertigo, then the first day I could work I got severe joint pain after a day on site, and now I have diverticulitis again due to the pain killers I took for the pain, which was more intense and lasted longer than in the past. As those who know me know, this has gone on for two and a half years. I now have hit 40 different health illnesses injuries in that time. Nothing terminal and I do have great medical care, it just feels like death by a thousand paper cuts and I weary of my own narrative and my resolve.

I am worried, because instead of picking an unrealistically optimisitc goal to re-schedule with PT or my water aerobics trainer, I didn’t even call PT back when I had to cancel my last apt. and I e-mailed my trainer, that I have no idea when I can train again, and I’ll contact her later.

So, I think my underlying powder keg has been slowly losing my inner hope and drive, which has pushed me to ruin in some ways physically, financially, but has also rallied me back time and again from problems, and is such a source of confidence that I can overcome anything. At this point with a lot of bad problems, it is the only thing that can get me out of this, along with a little help from my friends. I think this little blow up, has at least shown me the intensity of the problems within, and the need to caretake them.

In dealing with emotional eating, I am developing mindfulness tools, to diffuse, re-focus, trick my urge to eat until the urge passes, and my reason, and commitment to my health goals returns to my focus. I have been looking for and working with the underlying problems, and it does help. I am so glad I used the tool of writing yesterday when upset yesterday, and just wish I’d have kept it in a journal instead of posting it.

This event just has showed me, that I have to drop the pressure of my schedule, deal with my health worries in therapy, and use some tricks or tools when I feel the initial anger, rage triggered to buy time, so as to let my gut, mind, feelings not be fed in a negative way, to get engorged until I can calm down enough to let my reason, and understanding come back in to give perspective.

The delightfully ironic karmic ass kick, is that my iPhone fixes, didn’t work I find out, so I can’t sync the iPad2 until all the bugs are fixed, so I can’t even turn it on now that I have it.

So, I need to work on my mindfulness tools to head off the anger in the first place, and not only have the tricks and tools to head off the emotional eating once I am triggered. I also feel I need to call my dear teacher and go over a few points about Karma, to get my head and heart on straight again! And in the end, I need to think more on what a “fortunate son” I am and to rejoice in all the gifts and toyies this life can bring. take care, bob
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hello Bob, have you read the tibetan book of living and dying, your post makes me want to revisist this wonderful book and re read chapters from it,
    to me I think that we are all dying from the moment of birth, the challenge is to work towards greater awareness of the role that illness and health plays as an integral part of our lives.

    I really like the story about the woman who lost a child and the wise buddha sent her out to find any family in the village who had not been touched by sadness. she never returned to the buddha because she realised that everyone in the village had

    I am new to buddhist mediation and am working with two types, one involves thinking of a person who is a friend and a person who is an enemy and then alternating betweeen them. perhaps you could use a similar mediatation on yoru issues as those that are personal health issues and those that others in braoder society experience, eg suffer earth quakes etc
    3520 days ago
  • no profile photo ATMITCHELL2009
    Good luck

    3534 days ago
  • CEB2007
    Sounds like you have it all figured out and that is the first step to solving a problem. Good Luck.
    3670 days ago
    Definitely need to take care of your health (says the man who needs to get to the eye doctor to check his prescription and call the doctor about a hip that is acting up). Just take each day for the clean slate that it is, fill it up, and celebrate the successes of the day.
    3694 days ago
    Bob, Good strategies and insight. Cognitive dissonance was a term thrown around a lot in the 70s. It happens when actions do not match expectations, morals, ethics. I struggle with it too. Learning to adapt and simplify expectations is a lot of work.

    Refined sugar amps up my agitation and anxiety. I do get angry once in awhile too, but tend more to anxiety. Have you tried a three day diet of all natural foods yet to see if you can feel an immediate difference? It is very motivating and easy to diet for only three days. (Of course you have to remember I am also on Prozac too.)

    So when you get your iPad and other electronics in sync you can help me get my Kindle to work with my computer or wifi so I can actually download books at home.
    3716 days ago
    You've taken the first step - here's to the mindful next one!
    3717 days ago
    talking about 'bugs' you don't work for the cia and one or the other is bugged??? or if you are really talking bugs i could also send 1/2 a million cicadas now roaring in full chorous for mating (not that i can hear them because i'm deaf but you know the whole house vibrates with the singing) and you can't leave the house without them landing all over you eeewww....
    so my friend did any of the weather pick you up and set you down in oz yet??? i understand there is a real wizard at work there and the fields are nifty places to snooze..off to the emerald city for sure
    the lady mary emoticon emoticon
    3717 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/24/2011 10:31:58 PM
    I'm very sorry about all of your health problems. I can relate in a sense. Those things do wear people down bit by bit, but you are right that attitude is VERY important. I hope you will think of all of the things that motivate you and keep on fighting. As for the anger, it sounds like you've got that figured out. Sometimes we all need to vent and mindfulness is wonderful. I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of positive energy. Take good care of yourself! emoticon
    3718 days ago
    Bob - I should hook you and Beth up. She feels much the same way with her MANY ailments (let's see - MS, hypertension, arthritis, vasculitis, bipolar, deafness/hearing aids that don't help that much, and the list goes on).

    So you see I have direct experience with the many impacts this type of stuff has on a person. In one regard, she's fortunate that she doesn't have a job to have to deal with in the midst of it all (like you do), but that also feeds her "lack of structure" in life that contributes to her constant "foggy" feelings that she just "loses" days.

    As with Beth, wish I could make it all go away and be better, but alas, I cannot. What I CAN do is let you know that I'm thinking of you and I care!!!

    Hang in there and let that indomitable and beautiful spirit of yours continue to win!!!

    3718 days ago
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