Saturday, May 21, 2011
Okay, so here I am torn between excitement and fear. I am excited because tomorrow I will be going camping for five days lake side. This trip has been planned since last years in May (which was a VERY VERY wet and windy camping trip...) and up until 2 weeks ago (when I started sparking again) I was not jazzed. I did not want to go. I would sit and try and come up with a good excuse as to why I had to stay home or could only go for a day or two. But then I started moving my body and watching my food intake and I started feeling amazing! I have all this energy all of a sudden. So now I am excited about the trip. Excited about being on the boat, and fishing, and campfires and everything else.
That is where the fear comes in. In the last 2 weeks I have watched everything that I have put in my mouth. So much that I have to force myself to eat to make sure that I am getting 1200 calories (when two weeks ago, I had that down before noon...). I have tracked everything and it gives me a sense of accomplishment to do so. I don't know how I am going to do out on the lake with this. I feel like I am not yet ready to leave the nest if you will. Spark is my safe place. Spark is my daily reminder. Spark holds my hand. This feels like the first day of Kindergarten all over again! What if I eat too much and don't get enough exercise? This has been my stress all week.
I know that in the end, what will be will be and I can't go through life afraid to eat outside the four walls of my house. - I have the urge to stick a "but" right there, but I'm not going to. If I have to read that 100 times, then I will. I will either eat smart or I wont. I have to make the decision. I have to be there for me. I have to hold my own hand.
Wish me luck!!!