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al!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Today marks my 12th continuous day committed to me. 12 WHOLE days. When you put it into words, it doesn't seem like much, but then I tell myself, self - you have to start somewhere!

For 12 days, I have weighed and measured (almost) all my food (I did eat 3 walnut halves out of the container today and I didn't weigh the mushrooms I put on my pasta...), I have tracked said food on this amazing website, and I have done Cardio EVERY SINGLE DAY. So, even though 12 days doesn't seem like much I feel accomplished. Today, on day 12, I weighed in at 183.8. When I stepped on the scale this morning I wasn't expecting a loss, at all, and then, there it was looking back up at me - smiling. So I smiled back, then I realized that it has been about 7 months since I have seen that number. Thinking longer, I realize that since March, I've lost just over 10lbs...ohmygod. It's actually happening! The weight is actually coming off!

And then there is this other little voice… calling out “you didn’t do enough!” and I start wondering if it’s true. I wish that I could punch that little voice in the face. I want to feel good about what I have done, the things that I have changed, and the choices that I have made in the last 12 days, but I can’t because of that stupid little voice.

I have been hearing that voice all my life. It has been telling me that I can’t do the things I want to because I’m not good enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, or patient enough, etc. etc. etc….But now here I am setting and keeping goals for myself that I have been dreaming about for years. I am losing weight – the RIGHT way, I am eating healthy, I sometimes remember that the world does NOT in fact revolve around me (princess complex here…), and I am taking active steps towards the professional life that I want to have. Why can’t the little voice just catch up and look at what is taking place? Why can’t he just shut the duck up? Can he not find a new tune to hum in my ear? Maybe one that is a little more upbeat, something that I can dance to maybe?

So where does this leave me on this glorious day 12; melancholy, that’s where. Joy has taken the day off, but I still wanted to share my success even if it did come with a spoonful of caster oil. I apologize for the bitter after taste – I blame the little voice.
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