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Week 3 - Not doing very well emotionally

Monday, May 16, 2011

I've been so obsessed lately with my weight. I lost 7 lbs over the last 2 weeks but I've barely even stopped to acknowledge it. I feel like I'm on some kind of weird deadline so when I should be proud of things like that 7 lbs (4lbs this week and 3 last week) I shove it away fast and focus on seeing what I can get off the coming week. I need to slooooooooooow down. I haven't gone over my calorie range since mothers day and haven't come even very close the last part of the range. I haven't had pop in 2 weeks now and the only snacks I've had are 100 calorie bags once every 3 or 4 days or something like that and only if I can incorporate it and not be too close to the top of my range. I feel like if I over indulge even one day that all the weight is going to come back from that one extra snack. Every day has felt like a struggle instead of like an accomplishment which it should be. I'm eating half if not more than half of the calories I used to eat and I'm working out almost every day which is 100% more than I did 3 months ago.

So I started thinking. And I realized that I don't think I'm doing this for myself. I mean, in some ways I am but in other ways I know I'm doing it for totally wrong reasons. We have a vacation coming up the beginning of July where I have to meet all of Jason's friends and family. I'm doing this in hopes of losing 100 lbs before I meet them (which is impossible). We're also going back to my hometown before we go see his family. I'm doing this so that my dad won't nag me again about being overweight and will notice I've lost a lot of weight. I'm doing this so that next year when Riley's hockey season starts maybe people will want to be friends with me and make an effort to talk to me then cuz I'm not a big fat whale anymore.

I honestly don't know how to not think like this. I feel defeated even before I get out of bed every day knowing that i will work my ass off.. I will eat properly... but when i step on the scale again on sunday it's not going to miraculously show that I lost 40 lbs but will maybe show me a measly 1, 2,3 or 4 lb difference. I have a measuring tape that I should only use once a month but instead every couple of days I'm checking. I'm always checking. Weight, measurements, all of it. I know every day almost what my weight is and what my measurements are. UGH! HOW DO I STOP THIS!?

This needs to stop being a big race. This needs to stop feeling like if I make one mistake I'm completely screwed. This needs to stop being basically the only focus in my life. On thursday i walked 5k in an hour and felt pretty good afterwards and planned to do it three times a week. Well this week I can't because Jason is on afternoon's which means he leaves at 2 and comes home at 1am. By the time he wakes up the next day I have a few errands to run and lunch to worry about and just other things to do so I can't really go for my walk then. But knowing I probably wasn't going to be able to go for a walk set me in such a panic. I did get to work out today but that's not enough in my stupid head. I feel like I'm on the edge of a complete breakdown. Maybe it's what I need.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • AMANDAT0913
    Oh I am SO right where you are. I'm the least patient person in the world, and it seems like if the loss isn't fast enough, I give up and throw in the towel.

    As of yet, I don't know how to get beyond that way of thinking, though the self-awareness that I *do* it in the first place helps, some.

    What's interesting is that I usually start to feel this way about 3 weeks in, too......I wonder if the timing is coincidental or not.....

    Baby steps (easier said than done, I know).....
    2899 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/17/2011 12:12:16 PM
  • OBLACK1994
    Take it easy on yourself girlfriend! I know how you feel, but we have to remember that it didn't take a couple of weeks to gain the weight, so give it time. It's gonna come off!! I myself have a hard time looking at my small weight lost and getting excited over it! I think WE are too hard on ourselves! Take it one day at a time, and when you see this behavior try keeping a journal of it, and make small changes the following day. Hugs to you, and most importantly REACH out for help, like you did! Sometimes we just need a good old WACK just to wake the hell up! LOL God bless u, and hang in there. emoticon emoticon
    2899 days ago
    Try to put some fun back into things. Make some creative recipes, identify some foods you are missing and find a healthy alternative to them, try a new exercise routine? Being strict is not a bad thing, but when you are hating isn't likely to last and become a new way of life. You are doing GREAT, you need to give yourself permission to appreciate that and celebrate your achievements. Focus on feeling better and getting healthier. Find some motivational quotes that focus on this and write them down and post them. Do something so that your rational moments are there in your face for your irrational moments. We all have them, believe me! You are so not alone. You can do this. emoticon
    2899 days ago
    You recognize that you need to give yourself a break - and you recognize your irrational goal - you're going to be ok.

    Have a mini breakdown - cry, scream, RELEASE - then focus on one day at a time, one thing at a time - and focus on just being good enough for YOU.
    2900 days ago
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