Week 3 - Not doing very well emotionally
Monday, May 16, 2011
I've been so obsessed lately with my weight. I lost 7 lbs over the last 2 weeks but I've barely even stopped to acknowledge it. I feel like I'm on some kind of weird deadline so when I should be proud of things like that 7 lbs (4lbs this week and 3 last week) I shove it away fast and focus on seeing what I can get off the coming week. I need to slooooooooooow down. I haven't gone over my calorie range since mothers day and haven't come even very close the last part of the range. I haven't had pop in 2 weeks now and the only snacks I've had are 100 calorie bags once every 3 or 4 days or something like that and only if I can incorporate it and not be too close to the top of my range. I feel like if I over indulge even one day that all the weight is going to come back from that one extra snack. Every day has felt like a struggle instead of like an accomplishment which it should be. I'm eating half if not more than half of the calories I used to eat and I'm working out almost every day which is 100% more than I did 3 months ago.
So I started thinking. And I realized that I don't think I'm doing this for myself. I mean, in some ways I am but in other ways I know I'm doing it for totally wrong reasons. We have a vacation coming up the beginning of July where I have to meet all of Jason's friends and family. I'm doing this in hopes of losing 100 lbs before I meet them (which is impossible). We're also going back to my hometown before we go see his family. I'm doing this so that my dad won't nag me again about being overweight and will notice I've lost a lot of weight. I'm doing this so that next year when Riley's hockey season starts maybe people will want to be friends with me and make an effort to talk to me then cuz I'm not a big fat whale anymore.
I honestly don't know how to not think like this. I feel defeated even before I get out of bed every day knowing that i will work my ass off.. I will eat properly... but when i step on the scale again on sunday it's not going to miraculously show that I lost 40 lbs but will maybe show me a measly 1, 2,3 or 4 lb difference. I have a measuring tape that I should only use once a month but instead every couple of days I'm checking. I'm always checking. Weight, measurements, all of it. I know every day almost what my weight is and what my measurements are. UGH! HOW DO I STOP THIS!?
This needs to stop being a big race. This needs to stop feeling like if I make one mistake I'm completely screwed. This needs to stop being basically the only focus in my life. On thursday i walked 5k in an hour and felt pretty good afterwards and planned to do it three times a week. Well this week I can't because Jason is on afternoon's which means he leaves at 2 and comes home at 1am. By the time he wakes up the next day I have a few errands to run and lunch to worry about and just other things to do so I can't really go for my walk then. But knowing I probably wasn't going to be able to go for a walk set me in such a panic. I did get to work out today but that's not enough in my stupid head. I feel like I'm on the edge of a complete breakdown. Maybe it's what I need.