CHANGE IT UP!!!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
So I had a pretty bad couple of days and to be honest it all started with my own self-esteem taking a plunge. I have been really struggling emotionally because even though I am working out 6 days a week, strength training and cardio, and eating under 2,000 calories a day WHILE training for a half-marathon the scale is telling me I am gaining weight. The only thing keeping me from eating an entire birthday cake alone is that my clothes fit and are even loose and looking at myself I see that I am toning up and getting smaller. But it is still bugging me that the scale says I am going up. I did some research and women can build about a pound of muscle a month, sometimes a little more. I had started taking some protein powder supplement so I was thinking it is possible I gained muscle from doing so much strength then pumping myself full of protein. But no matter what the culprit, whether it is water weight, whether it’s fat or not, I am getting to the point where I think I might have to stop weighing myself. My biggest fear is that because the looming scale won’t be there anymore that I will let myself go. Matt has said this to me before, that I don’t trust myself, because I don’t. I self-sabotage and it really concerns me.
So because I had seen the scale go up AGAIN, I was just so horribly upset and depressed. I got into the mindset of “Why bother?”. Why am I busting my butt every day if I am just going to end up enormous again? I really began to sink low. And it threw everything into a tailspin. The trip to AC that was supposed to be fun was okay but my depression crept in and ruined the last half of the trip. I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it, I felt like I would never like the way I looked. I just felt disgusting.
So as usual I got over it. Laying in bed that night in the hotel I realized I need to stop. Every time I hit a slump, every time I hit a plateau I would find something to change it. Usually it was a new Jillian Michael’s dvd. But this time I knew it had to be soemthign else. I’ve been over-exercising because the joy I used to get from working out and accomplishing it was gone. So I would push and push from 45 mintues to an hour, to an hour and 20 waiting to feel satisfied. I’ve been fatigued and exhausted and my joints hurt. So I said enough. Yesterday I decided I would do things different. First I went to the gym in the evening after dinner. Something I never do. I am always a morning gym person. And I still am. But we didn’t get home until 4 or 5 in the afternoon anyway. And you know what I did? I went on a stationary bike. I have never in my 9 months of belonging to that gym gotten on a bike there. And you know what? I liked it. It was different, it was harder, and I was sweating like James Gandolfini in a sauna. And I felt fantastic. It felt good to be challenged. My butt hurts today from the seat, but I can feel the soreness in my thighs and I really love it. And this morning I woke up and really had to FORCE myself out of bed. I said ugh, guess I’ll do the elliptical again. I was in the car on the way to the gym and I realized it is like 70 degrees and sunny. What am I doing!? I turned around and drove right to the reservoir which is a 5 miles path through some woods but mostly on the edge of a beautiful lake. I ran the 5 miles in 45 minutes and the whole time I was so happy I’d done it. I need a change, I need something to keep me loving feeling strong. And it worked. I plan on using my one month free to the pool that I was given and going on Thursday, my next day off. Tomorrow I will do weights and possibly the bike again. It’s a good break for my knee which has been bothering me since I started running longer distances.
I plan on doing this different routine, along with supplementing my strength for P90X when it arrives which is any day now, and give myself 2 weeks before weighing in again. Hopefully the change in my routine and change in my workouts will help me feel better and jump start my whole body again. I guess I really need to keep it fresh.