7,000-8,499 SparkPoints 7,953


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

So I had a pretty bad couple of days and to be honest it all started with my own self-esteem taking a plunge. I have been really struggling emotionally because even though I am working out 6 days a week, strength training and cardio, and eating under 2,000 calories a day WHILE training for a half-marathon the scale is telling me I am gaining weight. The only thing keeping me from eating an entire birthday cake alone is that my clothes fit and are even loose and looking at myself I see that I am toning up and getting smaller. But it is still bugging me that the scale says I am going up. I did some research and women can build about a pound of muscle a month, sometimes a little more. I had started taking some protein powder supplement so I was thinking it is possible I gained muscle from doing so much strength then pumping myself full of protein. But no matter what the culprit, whether it is water weight, whether it’s fat or not, I am getting to the point where I think I might have to stop weighing myself. My biggest fear is that because the looming scale won’t be there anymore that I will let myself go. Matt has said this to me before, that I don’t trust myself, because I don’t. I self-sabotage and it really concerns me.

So because I had seen the scale go up AGAIN, I was just so horribly upset and depressed. I got into the mindset of “Why bother?”. Why am I busting my butt every day if I am just going to end up enormous again? I really began to sink low. And it threw everything into a tailspin. The trip to AC that was supposed to be fun was okay but my depression crept in and ruined the last half of the trip. I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it, I felt like I would never like the way I looked. I just felt disgusting.

So as usual I got over it. Laying in bed that night in the hotel I realized I need to stop. Every time I hit a slump, every time I hit a plateau I would find something to change it. Usually it was a new Jillian Michael’s dvd. But this time I knew it had to be soemthign else. I’ve been over-exercising because the joy I used to get from working out and accomplishing it was gone. So I would push and push from 45 mintues to an hour, to an hour and 20 waiting to feel satisfied. I’ve been fatigued and exhausted and my joints hurt. So I said enough. Yesterday I decided I would do things different. First I went to the gym in the evening after dinner. Something I never do. I am always a morning gym person. And I still am. But we didn’t get home until 4 or 5 in the afternoon anyway. And you know what I did? I went on a stationary bike. I have never in my 9 months of belonging to that gym gotten on a bike there. And you know what? I liked it. It was different, it was harder, and I was sweating like James Gandolfini in a sauna. And I felt fantastic. It felt good to be challenged. My butt hurts today from the seat, but I can feel the soreness in my thighs and I really love it. And this morning I woke up and really had to FORCE myself out of bed. I said ugh, guess I’ll do the elliptical again. I was in the car on the way to the gym and I realized it is like 70 degrees and sunny. What am I doing!? I turned around and drove right to the reservoir which is a 5 miles path through some woods but mostly on the edge of a beautiful lake. I ran the 5 miles in 45 minutes and the whole time I was so happy I’d done it. I need a change, I need something to keep me loving feeling strong. And it worked. I plan on using my one month free to the pool that I was given and going on Thursday, my next day off. Tomorrow I will do weights and possibly the bike again. It’s a good break for my knee which has been bothering me since I started running longer distances.

I plan on doing this different routine, along with supplementing my strength for P90X when it arrives which is any day now, and give myself 2 weeks before weighing in again. Hopefully the change in my routine and change in my workouts will help me feel better and jump start my whole body again. I guess I really need to keep it fresh.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Stop weighing yourself! You're in a safe and healthy weight range, so the number doesn't matter anymore. If seeing fluctuations is making you so depressed that you're tempted to eat an entire cake then weighing yourself is doing way more harm than good.

    If you need a number, why not get something that measures body fat %? Since you're building muscle, it would be a much more reliable number than just the scale.
    2873 days ago
  • SILLYHP1953
    It sounds like changing your routine was a good thing. Maybe you can just use the tape measure as your tool instead of the scales. I was impressed that you brought yourself out of the depression...we can do a lot with our emotions with good positive self-talk. You have a healthy strong body, enjoy what it can do, and concentrate on feeling gratitude. You have come so far so fast.
    emoticon Phyllis
    2874 days ago
  • LADYJ6942
    Sounds great. I am not one usually for morning workouts but am thinking I need be as I keep waking up at 537 w/no alarm. Time to get the but in gear. I too have a park near my home w/trails I like to run so back in we go, lol..
    2874 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by MOBEANZ