After reading Fitwhit's blog, I realized something about myself....I often dwell on what is not going right instead of all the stuff that is going well. Being an anxious perfectionist, I often focus on the things that seem to be beyond my reach, things I cannot "fix" or make better right away. I'm also very "clingy" and resistant to change. As everyone says, part of this journey is changing your outlook on things. Maybe this is the thing I still have not done yet....and need to work on to not only help me achieve my fitness goals, but to also improve my entire life.
I'm sure my negative focus tends to eat away at my relationships. I have felt like this for awhile (probably close to 8 years now), and I can think of numerous times when my attitude has more than hindered my progress at work, with friends, or with my boyfriend. What started all of this? Why do I do this? It makes no sense!
This surely could stem from the roller coaster relationship I had with my ex-boyfriend along with the weight gain and decreased self-esteem. But, I can either dwell on what caused this, or I can do something to change it. And honestly, its time for an attitude make-over.
So how do I do this? Well maybe I should think about the things I have...and instead of complaining about the negative parts of these things, I should think about the positive things. So.....here I go...
Even though my family (mom, dad, brothers, grandma) sometimes drives me nuts, they are always supportive of what I do. I still live at home, which my parents do not have to let me do. Any time I need something, they are always there for me. I live here for free, eat for free, and basically do whatever I want. I guess it is not so bad after all.
I am always on Brendan about being more thoughtful and about getting married. I want him to be more like me, always thinking about others before myself. He thinks about himself before he thinks of others. But maybe I need to realize that we do things differently. He is always there for me and does stuff for me all the time. I know he genuinely loves me. And honestly, we'll get married when the time is right. We have talked about it, so I just need to be patient. Neither one of us is going anywhere.
I think this is a hard thing because I lost a lot of my friends because of my ex-boyfriend. I am also horrible at maintaining friendships. I become consumed with everything else in my life that I don't even mean to hurt this part of my life. My best friend lives in Toledo, making it months between seeing each other. We talk all the time, but it's not like it would be if he lived here. I can't just call him up to be like "hey, let's hang out!" Instead, it is something that we have to plan and make sure our schedules work...etc, etc....
My other best friend just got married and has sort of changed...or maybe its just me...I don't know. I really should start being a better friend to her. I was her maid-of-honor and we have hardly talked or hung out since the wedding.
I have started talking to some girls from high school again, but I need to be more vigorous about spending time with them. I miss hanging out with those girls, especially since one of them was my best friend in high school.
There are a few girls I work with that are pretty awesome too. We are all going out on Friday night to this cool jazz bar in Detroit called Cliff Bells. I'm actually really excited.
Maybe I should start dedicating Friday or Saturday nights to spending time with my friends. I can go out without spending a lot of money. I can also separate myself from work for a little bit too....
I really cannot complain about this at all. I started tutoring as a way to make some extra money. Then I met my boyfriend and his parents happened to be doing the same thing. I tutored through grad school to make decent money while working flexible hours. Brendan's mom has led me to certain clients who then provided me with a ton of referrals. I sometimes get bent out of shape when his mom gives certain clients to certain people. Well guess what? They need to make money too. And if she favors me, then that makes her look bad too. I should just focus on making the business thrive for everyone. Then we all benefit. And seriously, I'm always hustling for clients and I work a lot of hours, but I work for myself! I never have to request time off. I don't get paid sick days, but if I'm sick, I only have to notify my clients. And now that I have really been working to establish myself as an academic tutor, the clients have been coming. No worries.
Do I want to tutor forever? No. Do I still want to be a lawyer? Yes. Should I start studying for my LSATs? Maybe. Law school when I am 28 or 29? Yes. So I should probably start studying at least :-)
Have I been meeting my calorie goals? No. Have I been steadily increasing my time at the gym? Yes. Patience. I am molding myself into a whole new person...this does not happen overnight. And honestly, I really do not look that bad. ;-)
And I'm sure there is more...but thinking positively has to start somewhere...
old me!!!!!!! Hello new me!!!!