I got back from my USA trip one week ago. Gained some weight, but in the end actually didn't do as bad as I thought. I have a lot of weight to lose, but I am not looking at the whole mountain. I choose to just look at the small steps in front of me. I already know what to do- don't we all???
I guess I feel a bit emotionally raw today. My friends here understand the emotional turmoil I was in towards the end of last year. Mostly due to childhood trauma. There are things I am doing to be gentle with myself, but it makes me mad that the people I initially turned to for help- before I even understood what was going on- those people have made me feel like a leper.
Last year was a hard year for me. There were some difficult counseling and medical situations that I faced that triggered old wounds that had been covered for years. I sought counseling from them when I was emotionally in the state of crisis. They over reacted and pulled me from being worship leader. They are the pastors of the church I go to here- not my mission directors. So I stepped down and sought counsel from someone else, since they didn't seem to know what to do. It is the story of my life. I would feel pain and finally open up, only to be hurt more. The second pastor I went to was the one who walked me down the aisle for our wedding. He didn't agree with the way the other pastor reacted.
We were in the States for nearly 3 months. I talked to our pastors and they felt that the best place for healing is in the midst of ministry. I always felt that to make someone who is already wounded to feel like they are disabled is a HUGE mistake. It is empowering to equip and release the very one that the enemy meant to destroy.
It is a bit confusing to me. That I am being treated somewhat like someone who has fallen into sin. I guess it proves that most people don't have a clue how to deal with victims of abuse. They want to distance themselves from those who are in pain. They really don't want to hear how I am- they just want me to put on the fake Christian face and make everything seem OK.
The truth is that I know I have issues- who doesn't???? My problem is that I am open like a book. I don't hide things the way other people do.
I have to stay positive. My emotional state has stabilized and I have gotten the direction from God and my pastors in the USA as to how to stay on the path of healing.
I am working through the tough issues that caused me to have the emotional crisis last year. I am asking for lots of prayer to give me the courage to heal in the areas of my emotions. Also for the peace to go on even when others are treating me like I am a certifiable mental case, instead of a wounded soldier.
Why is the Christian army the only army that shoots its wounded rather than helping???
The positive side, is that I did manage to lose 2.2 pounds this week. I am back on track and feel that I am going to get the momentum needed to finally climb this mountain.