How about "LSEA"? (long)
Friday, May 06, 2011
If you are wondering about the title don't worry, I will get to it.
I was sitting in the tub this afternoon and was about to pick up a book to read when I decided I needed to think instead. I read a lot of blogs women post where they beat themselves up for doing "bad" things - eating wrong, not working out, how the scale didn't go down this week, etc, etc. I actively seek out blogs with titles that sound like self destruction so that I can maybe (hopefully) say something to this woman/man to make their day seem not so bad. Except after I read the blog I don't know what to say except for the same old " don't let it bother you, today's a new day.. you can do it" It sounds almost.. empty to me. I even go so far as thinking "I'm not going to leave a comment cuz why would she care what I have to say"
How did I get to this point? I was in a verbally abusive relationship where my self worth was put into question every single day. It was so bad that I gained about 100+lbs in the span of a year to a year and a half and then just.. plateaued I guess. I've never gone over 300 lbs but I've barely went under it either in the last 10 years. I had two children within a year of each other when I was very young and after my second child my ex went on a tangent of insults. He would leave for 10 days leaving me by myself with a 12 month old and a newborn and then be home for 3 days and we'd do nothing but fight. I was exhausted and he was no help when he was home. I started gaining weight from eating things when I had a chance which was not often and always something quick. So you know what happened. I started to gain weight. Which pissed the ex off. Then came the drunken screaming. "You're fat! Why don't you do something about it! I work 13 hours a day don't talk to me about being tired! You're fucking disgusting!" Yup heard them all. So then it became - eat very little tiny amounts when he was home and nonstop eat while he was away. Seriously. I'd get a bucket of chicken with 9 pieces and eat 5 of them, along with wedges along with probably 3-4 litres of pepsi in a DAY. And the chicken and wedges was just one meal! Nevermind the chips and chocolate and other stuff I'd eat before that big bucket of chicken. No wonder I gained 100+ lbs so fast. it makes me sick to think about it now.
It never should have gotten that bad. The first time he called me disgusting it never should have gotten to "omg I AM disgusting! He's right!". It should have been "That's what YOU think and I don't deserve to be with such a cold hearted prick!" and I should have left.
I still suffer horribly from low self esteem and I've been questioning it a lot lately. I've been looking at low self esteem as a disease almost as bad as alcoholism and drug addiction. If you think it's not, lemme finish. Alcoholism and drug addiction can force you out of a job. How many of us have turned down job offerings or promotions etc because they feel they are not good enough. My problem is being scared to death of having to be in front of people while I learn a new job. I haven't worked since I was pregnant with my first son.. 10 years ago! I am scared to be in front of people. I was once at a hockey meeting discussing what we should do for our season round up and before I could think, spoke up. Well all the heads turned towards me while I was talking and it was all I could do to not duck behind my new baby to hide from the stares and had to force myself to keep talking. My face did turn a wonderful color of red though. I haven't spoken up since.
Second point - alcohol and drug addiction alienate you from family members wanting to help. In my case so does low self esteem. I hate going home. I LOVE my family but I'm the only obese one. I feel like I'm being judged for everything I do, especially at meal time. I used to go home every 2-3 months and now I do about once, maybe twice a year.
Third point -alcohol and drug addiction alienate you from friends. I have NO friends. I don't try to make them. Who would want to be friends with me? I'm disgusting to look at! I don't even try. I did but I use excuses like if someone turns me down if I invite them out it's not cuz they truely had other plans that weekend, it's cuz I am not good enough and therefore stop trying to be friends with that person. My 30th birthday was just over a month ago. I got drunk with my boyfriend and one "friend" who I'm pretty sure I badgered into coming over here. the weekend before (my bday was on a monday) I spent my actual birthday crying about how much of a loser I am to be 30 and have NO close friends. I joined spark people that night hell bent on changing my attitude and lifestyle.
It's a work in very very slow progress. I think there should be meetings for people like me. I'd call them " Low Self Esteem-ics Anonymous" The name is also a work in progress lol.
My name is Tammy and I have low self esteem.