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What Happens When Determination, Motivation & “Just Doin It” Isn’t Enough? Help, I've Fallen

Thursday, May 05, 2011

And I Can't Get Up!!!

I just celebrated my 4th anniversary with Spark. I joined initially I think because the site was free, but I really don’t think I had my heart into taking my weight off at that time, so for two years, I did little with my account.

When I hit my all time low (self-esteem low – not weight) a little over a year ago, I knew I just had to do something to try and get my weight off. I couldn’t take the way I felt any more. I thought, well I have that account on Spark, I might as well check it out and see if this will help. So in January of 2010 I logged on and gave it a half hearted effort. By March I had read articles and learned what I needed to do to get started, so from March until the end of December I was determined. I weighed and logged ALL my food. I weighed myself once a week, began exercising and logged that too. I was learning how to eat properly, how to plan, prepare and determine true hunger from boredom. I blogged regularly, read enough articles to fill a book, received multiple trophies and began making lots of sparkfriends. All the articles on Spark were so helpful and there were articles and blogs for almost anything I wanted an answer to. I very quickly began seeing results. My confidence began to soar. At first weight came off more quickly, but I was still losing anywhere from 5 to 8 lbs a month. By November of 2010 I had lost 45 lbs and was close to hitting the 50 lb mark. I was so excited. I could actually see my goal weight. I felt like it was only weeks away. I had 16 lbs to go. I had gone from a tight size 13/14 to a size 8 in 8 months. My husband even got interested in eating healthier and by January he was taking the same steps.

I thought I knew everything there was to taking (and keeping) this weight off for good. Maybe I got over confident. I know that life happens and you just have to make up your mind to do it even when you don’t feel like doing it. It’s a lifestyle change and mishaps will happen. You learn to work around them and roll with the punches. You just simply learn to never give up. That said – I am not to the point of giving up – but yes life is happening and I am allowing it to have a negative effect on me and I feel I am again failing.

Since November I have allowed life and all its disappointments, stressors, problems, hang-ups and urgency's take a toll on me mentally and physically. Each day as I reach for my **sugar** and my unhealthy snacks, I ask myself What Are You Doing? The 5 lb gain didn’t bother me much because I assumed I would get a grip on my cravings and get back on track. But when I hit the 8 lb mark, I began to get scared. I haven’t weighed myself in about two weeks because I don’t think I can bear to see what it says. I keep asking myself What Happened? Why the downhill slide? I know I am an emotional eater and I have allowed all of life’s little annoyances drive me to food. How was I able to stop in March of 2010, but am unable to stop it now?

Eating healthy makes me feel awesome. Losing weight makes me exude confidence. Wearing smaller sizes puts a huge spring in my step. So why do I now have the need to constantly stuff my face with bad, horrible things and ruin all that has made me feel like a winner? I feel like a little kid rebelling because of things I’m told I can’t do.

Hubby was out of work almost 2 years. That was very stressful and I found exercising was hard to fit in with him home all the time, as well as being able to afford to buy healthier foods. It does cost more to consistently eat healthy meals. From reading all the great Spark articles on how to stay motivated, keep on top of the binging, as well as receiving all the wonderful supportive emails and comments from all my spark friends, I thought I was able to handle all of life’s stressors, but today I sit here feeling like a complete failure.

I daily ask myself what it is going to take to get a handle on things and finish this journey I started with gusto. I know every day is a new chance to start over. I know it isn’t over as long as I have breath left in me. But, I am now focusing on the negative instead of the positive, as I had learned not to do months earlier. I am very much worth the effort and I know I can do it, because I had done it earlier. Hubby has even taken off 40 lbs and is looking and feeling better AND he started a new job on Monday. But so far, I haven’t been able to claw my way out of this mire. “Just doin it” doesn’t seem to be enough right now and I’m wondering what else I can do to help fill in the ditch and get back on top. Life is too short to go thru it feelin (& lookin) like a pile of crap. I know my size doesn’t determine who I am and I am a great person despite my looks. But I want my outside to look as good as my inside is. I just hope I can get back in the game before I ruin all that I have accomplished.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi Katie nice to see a blog from you.
    Stress really takes it toll on everyone and it is hard to get back on track. Writing the blog was your first step.
    Your spark friends are here to listen and help.
    I know emoticon !
    2565 days ago
    Hey, I just saw this blog by finding you off a page of a friend. I realized that I recognized you from an encouraging thought you once put on my page. I, like you, am lacking a bit of motivation right now. But I worked out twice this week anyway. (first time in a long time) Sometimes we just have to do it whether we feel like it or not. Hope you get back on track soon. It is so exciting to see results!
    2567 days ago
    It happens to all of us - pick yourself up and get back on track as quickly as possible.
    2576 days ago
    Life happens. Sometimes things come up in our lives that forces us to put our weight management goals or other goals in the background for awhile. Don't beat yourself up about it when it happens--just realized for "this" period of time, I cannot focus on exercise and healthy eating. Acknowledge it, and move on.

    The first part of this year, my mother's health declined and I spent a lot of time at the hospital. Exercise did not happen and food was whatever I could grab on the way. I tried to make good choices, but that did not always happen. My weight loss program totally stalled for 3 or so months.

    The process needs to be fun for you, not a stressor. I find it fun to put together balanced nutrition plans and my daily walks allow re-creation activities away from office grind. Now those things might not be fun for you, but maybe there is one or two elements of the program that you do enjoy even if they did not lead to a lower weight and a more healthy life-style--one or two activities that are de-stressors. Keep those up and enjoy your life.

    And as Cheryl-Lynn suggested --get the junk food out and replace with fresh fruit and vegetables which are coming into season and not that expensive now. Then when you absolutely, positively have to have something, it easier to get something healthy than something high in calories.

    But whether you do or not, do not be so hard on yourself and accept at this time other matters have your focus.
    2576 days ago
    This so sounds like my story! I took a class that helped a lot. The instructor says that your (my) need for sugary sweets is trying to tell me something. Our bodies are telling a story. It's up to us to figure out what that story is. My story? Well, I found out that every time I feel inadequate I reach for a food fix. I'm not sure what your story is but it's there for you to discover. You can do it. If you're interested in more info. spark mail me and I'll tell you how we discovered our stories. It was actually kind of fun.

    Hang in there. We're in the same boat. Keep paddling, we'll get there!

    I'm cheering for you! emoticon
    2577 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/5/2011 3:29:56 PM
    Congratulations on the "almost" 50 pounds lost and that your seeing you need to do something before you gained back EVERYTHING you lost.

    I started Sparks in February 2010. I lost 15 pounds.
    I stopped coming to the site and gained back my initial 15 pounds lost. Came back in October 2010, read the Spark Book. So far I've lost 36 pounds. My husband is a a carpenter and right now is building a lot of things at home which is mostly messing up my day because he's ALWAYS here interrupting everything. It was great for a while now its annoying.

    I'm so glad yours is starting work I hope it works our well.

    I've still got another 50 pounds to lose. I have done like you, read everything, participated log everything. It's hard to maintain that constant enthusiasm all day every day. I am totally looking as this as a life change so while I would LOVE to drop all this weight asap, I also have to do it slow because I do have days where I enjoy a bowl of ice cream, that might put me over my calories a little but since it's hardly an everyday occurrence it still slows things a bit. I'm just taking it day by day. When I start to get frustrated I reevaluate where I'm at and where I'm going. I took a week off from exercise one time.
    It sounds like your just totally stressed out and taking it out on yourself. I would defiantly stop brining any junk food into the house to avoid temptation. Do you think you can go back to your spark beginning like your starting over again? Fake it till you make it?

    If you've totally lost enjoyment in things that used to make you happy you might need to see a doctor about depression, you might need some help for a while.
    2577 days ago
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