Thursday, May 05, 2011
Hi guys. Well I had a video blog ready that I had filmed this past Monday were I vent about how hard things were being but that I was going to try to stay on track this week. Well it's Thursday and I have totally lost all will, so I didn't want to put up a false video.
Things are just not good. Not only have I gained back what little I had lost from the weight I had gained but I have gained even more. Hahaha sounds like a tongue twister. Basically I feel like I tripled my weight. I haven't weighed myself, I just can't get myself to do that. Than how do I know I've gained so much weight you ask!? Well get this, I can't fit into any of the "FAT" clothes my mom had given to me.
My mom had given me some clothes that didn't fit my sisters anymore that were a little bit bigger and I thought they would be nice temporary clothes while I lost the weight again. Well nope, they don't even fit me anymore! How disgusting!
And I have to be honest, as wrong as it is, I'm actually feeling jealous of my sisters. I mean I use to be the skinny one. 2 years ago they looked up to me! 2 years ago I was 140 lbs. (oddly enough still feeling fat) and they were the ones struggling to loose weight. I was the one giving advice and feeling in charge of my body. And now, look at me, how embarrasing! One of my sisters is almost down to 140 and wearing size 5 and the other one atleast maintaining at descent weight.
But not me, I'm spiraling out of control. Finding myself eating mindlessly until I almost feel sick. Why? Not sure. I think out of boredom, stress, and as weird as it sounds because I feel fat. But why, I was doing fine before. I had reached 150 with Sparks and even though I was struggling I was hanging in there. Now I find myself saying the same stupid things I use to say, " I can't do this.", "I have no control.", "You don't understand, this is too hard!", ECT!!!! I keep telling myself that when we finally move out into our own home things will get back to order but how much longer will that be, I don't know. And can I really be that pathetic that I can't succeed or endure even in hard, stressful situations. Why do I have to wait for things to get easier for me to achieve this? Why can't I have the "balls" to take control of this even if I'm not in my own home, even if things are a little hard righ now!!! What's wrong with me? How can I let food control me? I feel like a freaking addict! I feel like a pig who can't control herself from eating like one while everyone else seems to be able too.
I needed to get this out so bad. And I knew this was the only place I could cause if I say this to anyone else they'll just give me stupid simpathy or the stupid judgemental responses of "It's okay, it's up to you to do it!" "DOn't worry you just have to eat less....blah blah blah!" DUH! I already know that! I know all those things, but's it's not that easy for everyone! Atleast here, there's others who feel the same way and understand what I'm going through and are going through the same struggle! AND understand what I mean about not wanting to hear peoples' stupid remarks.
(sorry if i came off kind of rude, just being sincere about how i feel right now. i know some people don't mean harm with remarks like that, but this is honestly how those remarks make us feel when we're going through this, and some people do say them in a judgemental way.)