Thursday, May 05, 2011
Since my mother's passing a month ago, my life has gone topsy-turvy and come back again. I've been down to the bottom and come back up, and felt like I was on a rollercoaster from hell. But now, surprisingly, I feel stronger than I've ever felt before.
Why? How can this be? I was out walking and it hit me like a ton of bricks: I never thought I could survive without her. I asked her advice about everything; I called her almost every day. I miss her with a strength that shocks me, and yet, now I know without a doubt that I can survive anything and come out stronger. Despite missing her terribly, I am OK. I know that I can be strong and confident within myself, and that is an amazingly empowering feeling. I have done so much hard work on myself this past year--body work in front of the mirror, journaling, reading about compulsive eating and doing exercises, affirmations, the works. And apparently it has all paid off, since I feel better about myself and more capable than ever.
Having that feeling is what's keeping me going. Sometimes I feel a little guilty, but I know that's normal too. I know it will get easier with time. I love you, Mama. I'll always miss you, but I know that you are finally taking a much-deserved break. Rest easy; I'm going to be OK.