This weekend I felt like an addict.....
Monday, May 02, 2011
It was Saturday. I got the cravings. I needed salt....BAD! I decided I would have a cheat evening. J and I actually went to the corner store to get some treats for our movie-at-home watching evening. She got a slurpee and picked up the bag of Doritoes we would have with cheese....a rare treat, believe me. So I picked up a bag of Tostitoes multigrain chips for myself and met her at the slurpee machine.
She confronted me....2 big bags of chips! If we get them both we're only going to eat them both you know. Just get the 1 and then a smaller bag of something else you want. It wasn't an order by any means, merely a suggested course of action.
I wanted those chips....BAD! My insides churned. I looked at the smaller bags and they looked so small, not nearly enough, and didn't have the flavors I wanted. 'Look there's kettle cooked ones....you'd like those'. My inside voice was furious then crying. It wanted that bag of multigrain.....it screamed at me to not put it back. Take it!! You'll regret it if you don't....you gave yourself an excuse today....take it! My 'outside' head was ashamed of her 2 big bags, knew the consequences, put it back quickly before she could change her mind.....amid the protests of inside voice.
I walked out of the store with the Doritoes and a small bag of kettle cooked jalapeno and cheddar chips. J later apologized and asked 'was that shaming? I'm sorry, I would never do that to you'. I didn't know what to reply....yes, in a way it was....meanwhile I wanted to go back for that bag so bad it consumed me thinking about it through half of the first movie....just waiting to eat those Doritoes, craving them..... I polished off the small bag right away, feeling weird and not really enjoying them at all...but somehow needing them.
I realized this must be how an addict feels....the craving that consumes your every thought. I ate the Doritoes, still not feeling very good about myself, feeling bad for wanting it so bad, feeling bad for eating them....but needing them at the same time. So while they satisfied one craving they made me feel like crap mentally and eventually physically.
I can't say that I don't want that bag of multigrains anymore. If they were here in front of me they'd be lunch....but I know I wouldn't be very happy about it. I've never felt this craving so hardcore before. I know this must be what an addict feels like......it's all consuming. Tense, shameful, craving, desperately needing a crappy filler.......I don't want to feel it again.