On My Mind.... I don't get life
Sunday, May 01, 2011
My daughter called me last night and ask if I could do her a favor. My daughter moved away to go to college over 4 years ago and has decided she is not moving back home. She now lives 300 miles from here. Any way she ask if I could take flowers to her friend who is in the hospital here where I live. Even though my daughter lives 5 hours from here she has stayed in touch with a lot of her friends. I told her I would. I get to the hospital and there is no one there with her. She is 22 years old and has been through a lot in her life already. She was raised in a large poor family. I think that is why she spent so much time at my house when they were younger. That was OK with me, she is a nice kid. She had one of those mini physicals in school when they were in middle school and they found scoliosis. She was at the worst stage where she was starting to crush her own organs. She had surgery rather quickly once the process started. She was so bad that once they corrected her spine she literally came out of surgery 4 inches taller. She now has a metal rod running the length of her spine and always will. Never being able to participate in any contact sport or doing anything that can jolt her too bad such as carnival rides and roller coasters.....NEVER. It may be hard for her to carry a baby. She has always been very thin as well. On Thursday she said she woke up in really bad pain. She couldn't make it to the bathroom. She layed on the floor in the hall felling like she could not breathe and felt like she was going to pass out. Her boyfriend rushed her into the ER. They admitted her and started her on antibiotics. They told her she has a large mass on her ovary and her pelvic area is full of fluids. The mass can be cancerous. They told her if the pain is not gone by tomorrow they were going to do surgery because if the mass is cancer the infection would make it worse. As I sit there talking to her I look around and notice, she has been there 3 days and there is not a card or flower in sight. I sit and wonder to myself if she has been sitting there going through this all alone. It broke me heart. I did not have the heart to ask her. I sat there with her for about an hour and a half until the hospital threw me out. They have a quiet time from 2pm to 4pm. I gave her a big hug and told her everything would be OK. She looked so scared when I left. My heart goes out to her. She called me mom and said good bye. She has always called me mom. She says I have always been like a second mother to her. Leaving her there ripped my heart out like I was leaving one of my own kids there.
This brought up lots of thoughts of things I have experienced. The one that stands out the most happened 20 years ago. My own father was battling cancer. He was an alcoholic and we had a very abusive childhood. But as an adult I realized I was not put her by the good Lord to judge, that was his job. I forgave my parents and moved on, loving them both. My father was diagnosed in Jan and passed in May of the same year. Any way the bad thing for me was about a week before he passed I get a call that my cousin is trying to commit suicide. She was in her mid 20's at the time and had 4 young kids to raise. She was separated from her husband at the time and using drugs. So I go to see what is going on. I do not want to call the police because I do not want to see her kids taken. She is a good mom. Just having problems at the time. When she was not using drugs she was a really good person. So I stay with her the entire night trying to keep her from killing herself. She tried to get a hold of knives to cut her wrists, she then locked herself in the bathroom and tried to break the mirror and window to cut herself. Then she found some pills, I got them from her before she could take them. At dawn I was so exhausted that I couldn't do it anymore. I called her husband, who by the was the one who called me, and told him he had to come get her. He took her to the ER. They did not take the kids because he was there. So I get home and as soon as I walk through the door my brother called me and told me that my father had just had a full body stroke and they were taking him to the hospital. When I got to the hospital my heart broke for my father. The only thing he could move was his eyes. He looked at me and it looked like he was looking straight into my heart crying, telling me he was sorry for any and all of the bad things he had done. He never made it out of the hospital. He went into a coma the next day and passed within the week. All I could think about for that entire day sitting at the hospital and then for weeks later is how could my cousin, someone who was young and healthy with four kids depending on her try to take her own life and at the same time there was my father. A man who new he was dieing, fought with every breathe for just one more day. That tore me up for a long time. To sit with her while she tried to take her life straight to him who fought with everything he had for just one more breathe.