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The Cradle of Lovingkindness

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I am going through so many changes and am trying to be gentle with myself. I think this is a key factor in being able to achieve anything-----being “polite”, gentle and considerate towards one’s self. My boyfriend likes reading Pema Chodron’s books. She’s not my fave, but I did listen to one of her CDs and liked this one line she said: “Rock yourself in the cradle of loving-kindness.” Reading this line makes me smile, even laugh and then it makes me get down to the business of taking care of myself and loving myself. I once had a therapist tell me I should treat myself as well as I treat my pet rats.

Changes through which I have been traveling: quitting alcohol (since August, ----almost 9 months now) and becoming Vegan, (since around January,) both coinciding with having one of my rats not recover fully after surgery in August and his subsequent euthanasia at the end of December. Life has it's braided themes.

I realize I am struggling with being a perfectionist and a workaholic. I just spent some time reading some articles online about how to stop these self-destructive traits. One thing I’m going to do is to stop working each day by 5 or 6 pm.

Fairly recently I tried an experiment. I offered to do a presentation in front of a group of colleagues. Unlike usual, I did not spend hours polishing my presentation. Hoping for the outcome of finding out I didn’t have to work so hard when the result was that I gave a lousy presentation! Afterwards I felt like I’d been “had” (by my own self!). It felt so strange that I was trying to give myself a break by not be such a perfectionist and then it turned out to be a flop!

I have been told I am too hard on myself but, if this is the only life I’ve ever known, how can I tell if this is true?! Because enough people have told me this, (including those about whom I care deeply,) I will choose to believe it.

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  • no profile photo CD5815518
    I totally know what you mean. I think you have to keep experimenting with the whole "perfectionist" thing until you can find a right balance that works for you. If you have a presentation you should definitely prepare for it, but it's finding the balance between preparation and overdoing it (which only adds to stress) that you need to work with. You'll find a level that is comfortable for you soon enough, just remain as comfortable as you can be with it. :) Perfectionism is SO hard to beat, but it CAN be done! You'll do wonderfully!
    3430 days ago
    I can DEFINITELY relate. SO understand
    3430 days ago
    There are certain things that I can't "loosen" up with..like a presentation would be one of them.. if I am singing a special at church, I practice and practice for as long as I can. Sometimes I know a month in advance, so for that whole month all the way to work and all the way home, (30-45 minutes each way) I am practicing and trying to perfect the song. If I don't.. i am so afraid I will forget the words or get off key. So I totally understand that part of your blog.

    You can find balance, Jas, you are a very intelligent and insightful woman... it will take trial and error, but there is a balance and it will be yours!!!
    Small changes lead to big results..

    I think you are pretty darn awesome!!
    3431 days ago
    We are always hardest on ourselves and it is hard to try not to be a perfectionist. I think you are awesome. Thanks for sharing!!
    3431 days ago
    Finding that healthy balance between perfectionism and letting things flow naturally is not easy. Control only what you can and trust the process. You are doing great.
    3432 days ago
    hey girl! i am glad for an update on all things jazz! i love the idea of setting a 'quit' time - for a go-getter like yourself it is good you have fitness and crafting you can fall to when you are sitting at loose ends feeling like you should be 'working.'

    i am so proud of you for all the positive change in your life, you are tackling some major hurdles, even in the face of adversity - i hope you take time to realize what awesome accomplishments you are amidst!

    when you feel like someone is watching you - that's because you are! ;) i soooooo know what you mean about trying to lay off and then it bites you in the butt - that is such a me scenario *L*

    i am gonna rock myself to sleep tonite in the cradle of loving kindness - as you drift off think of something that makes you YOU and why you embrace and love that! xoxoxoxo!
    3432 days ago
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