Another bad day :(
Thursday, April 28, 2011
I feel "blah" today. The scale has become my enemy. Something I step on every day (I just can't help it) and glare at to give me a good result and when it doesn't I spend the rest of the day walking by it wondering why it hates me so much.
I haven't been getting much sleep lately and this is not because I've been staying up late. In fact I've been in bed between 10 and 11 every night and up anywhere between 7 and 8 but the hours between are tosses and turns. I think maybe I need a new bed because I don't sleep comfortably on that bed anymore. It's old.. almost 10 years old but we can't really afford a new one right now. Plus I'm being picky this time around and demanding a king size because there just isn't enough room in a queen size to sleep the way we both sleep which is on our sides with our knees wayyyyy out. And I swear Jason wakes up after I've gone to sleep and replaces his body with a freaking heater cuz no matter how cold the rest of the room is under the blankets it feels like I'm sleeping in a sauna.
Back to my enemy. So every morning I wake up and go weigh myself and nothing has changed. At least it hasn't gone up but it hasn't gone down either. I'm trying to not let this get to me but really I want to throw that scale out the window and watch it break.
I think I'm sabotaging myself at night and I'm not sure how to get out of this frame of mind but I look at my nutrition tracker and see that I'm not quite at the lower half of my range.. so I think about all the crap I can feed myself for a snack before bed. Last night it was a mini bag of popcorn. The night before a 100 calorie bag of doritos. Some nights I can shove the food craving away and not have anything but not very often does it happen. I guess the important thing is that since I started this tracking there has only been one day that I went over the top of my range. But I need to stop this late night snacking. I've tried everything I think. I tried putting the snack down and waiting 5-10 minutes to see if I still want it. I've tried reading blogs of people's success's to talk me out of that snack. I've tried water. I've tried to take my mind off it but nothing seems to be working. I don't really know what else to do. I can't exactly go for a walk to get out of the snack cuz it hits about 9 at night and the baby is asleep and even though I live in a tiny little town I just don't exactly feel safe walking at night. I've become obsessive with trying to do everything right. Working out every day, tracking every single meal, weighing myself at the exact time every day and even measuring myself more than once a week which is dumb cuz that measurement tracker says to do it once a month. But I can't help it. All day long my mind is on calories, exercising, weight, weight, WEIGHT and feeling guilty for that snack the night before. Every single meal I have I feel guilty for eating and feel like I just put 10 lbs back on myself. I feel like every time I'm trying to be positive for myself I'm being fake and I know it and I feel like I'm tired of being fake. I'm on a downward spiral and I'm not sure how to stop myself from crashing at the bottom and giving up. And on top of it all we're supposed to go to the east coast this summer and I have to meet all of Jason's friends and family that he left there when he moved here to live with me and I know exactly what they're going to think when they meet his big fat girlfriend. I've met some of his family before but this is everyone all together in one big freakin group. Yup this should be a fun vacation. There's no way of getting out of it either. He hasn't been home since he moved out here almost 4 years ago and because we live so far away not one person from his family has met any of my kids or the baby we had together.
I can see this is just going to be a really bad day.