HEALTHYASHLEY
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Making positives from negative experiences

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Today was my first willful binge since I started SP. I went out, hunted down, acquired and devoured my prey. I thought about it a lot and I could have stopped it. I didn't and I willfully chose not too. This is a big step. Now sure, some can read this in judgement and if you choose to that is your path but I would appreciate if you take your judgement elsewhere. I find people who judge generally have a lot to hide and can't face their own issues so they project them on others and feel better by belittling and feeling superior. I don't have time for it and I don't respect it. That being said I also am not looking for you to tell me it is ok and tomorrow is another day filled with a bunch of hug emoticons. It is not ok in any way, shape or form.

What I did learn today was that I will always be addicted to food. It isn't going to magically go away because I want it to and my trigger is being unhappy. My big aha moment. This is my pattern. Get happy in a new relationship, job, house etc and lose weight, then when the going gets tough, the job starts to be stressful, the relationship has problems etc I start to gain weight back. I gained the last 40 lbs at a job I hated so much that I literally used to fantasize about falling down and hurting myself so I could take time off. When I left that job I lost 35 lbs with little effort. The pattern stops here and now.
From this minute forward I am no longer allowing the excuses and lies creep back into my life and I am going to keep going down the healthy path.

Yes, that 1 piece of cake will hurt me.
Yes, I do need to pack my lunch even if it is more work.
No, skipping the gym just this once isn't acceptable.
No, calories on the weekends aren't free.
No, I don't enjoy running at this weight, it is painful, and it is ok to admit that and find other forms of cardio until it is less physically stressing on my joints.
Yes, it is ok to come on SP and talk about this instead of hiding because I don't want to make other people listen to my negativity. Negativity is a normal and healthy part of this process.
Yes, I do enjoy eating clean and have better self esteem when I stick to it.

Before SP I would have sat and cried feeling hopeless for days. I would have beaten myself up and told myself I would never be thin. Now, it is different. I know I can do this and I know I have solutions. There is a way out of the misery. I can do this. I have already lost more weight than some people could even imagine. How could anyone, including myself, see that as failure? It isn't possible.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • TISHA80
    Thanks again for being so honest!
    3196 days ago
  • CHICKENCHASER78
    I love the honestly in your blog. We live and learn and hope to progress from it, its the best thing anyone can do in a situation. emoticon
    3196 days ago
  • TRIP2HAPPINESS
    Sounds like you gave yourself the talk you needed. We know what we need to do in order to lose weight and change our lifestyles and when we make poor choices we have to ACKNOWLEDGE them and learn from them. Great blog Ash, honesty with ourselves and others is really important in this journey and that is something you always portray! :)
    3196 days ago
  • SUMMERGIRLTASHA
    Love your honesty and impressed with your taking responsibility for your behavior. It is a strange thing... there are always people around that will help you make excuses and when you take responsibility it makes them feel uncomfortable. Bravo for standing strong. You are rare. and you inspire me by your weight loss. And you are beautiful and smart. You Go Girl!
    emoticon Tasha
    3197 days ago
  • NEENSTER1
    Amen for saying it is not ok!! You worked too hard to go backwards. emoticon
    3197 days ago
  • JENSUMILLER
    I love this post! It felt just like me saying all of this. No amount of hugs or love are going to stop the fact that I have a huge problem with food. Telling me I am ok for skipping workouts or eating all that food isn't going to help me get to my goals. It is wonderful to have the support and motivation offered here, but only I can do this for me! Thanks for showing me I am not alone in this lonely world of addictions.
    3197 days ago
  • F1AMEDIVA
    Exactly.Humans make mistakes. You have to live and learn and know yourself. As you learn your triggers and typical responses you can work on changing your responses. Also understanding you are human and forgiving yourself for mistakes.
    3197 days ago
  • WILLIAMV3
    Go girl! Learn and move on is all we can do.
    3197 days ago
  • POLSKARENIA
    Great blog! Super upturn of attitude! Woo hoo you!!!
    3197 days ago
  • PHEFEY
    awesome attitude
    that's the attitude that loses weight
    3197 days ago
  • NUTS4NUTELLA
    The attitude change from post SP to now is the most important thing. Great job on that girl!
    3197 days ago
  • OJIBWEEQUAY
    I hear you, in my case ham emoticon emoticon

    we got this!!!
    3198 days ago
  • RUNWITHMICHELE
    People make mistakes, it happens.

    You HAVE lost so much weight and should be proud of it.

    The only thing you can do is learn from your mistakes and keep going.

    So go go go!

    emoticon
    3198 days ago
  • JBMT08
    As always, truthful and to the point. Love that you share your thoughts about this process!
    3198 days ago
  • RONOSOF
    Here for you... emoticon emoticon Mary
    3198 days ago
  • KRISKECK
    What a great takeaway and how great that you are able to look at yourself so honestly and use it to make positive changes. Way to go, chica!
    3198 days ago
  • COOKWITHME65
    Just love your blogs Ashley. So honest!
    3198 days ago
  • LUVDOGZ
    It sounds like you really learned something about yourself! Way to go! Food is my comfort, and being unhappy is my trigger as well. You have helped me with this blog. I can't wait to be happy to lose weight, or expect I will be happy when I DO lose weight, it is a vicious circle, and I expect why I haven't been successful. This blog has been very timely, thank you!

    Michelle

    3198 days ago
  • KATHLOW
    I needed to hear this, and your way of telling it like it is makes me sit up and notice. Thanks for that!
    3198 days ago
  • KAMAPERRY
    Thank you, I binged over Easter, and have been having trouble since. But this is only temporary, and I will get on with it.
    3198 days ago
  • IBSHAUN
    Okay, no hug emoticons but I'm not sure if there is a kick in the pants emoticon. Just kidding. You are right though. If we keep forgiving the slips over and over and over again, we really are slipping back into bad habits. I had that this weekend and it was quite frightening how quickly 4 days snowballed into one blur and I hid from my accountability. Keep sharing with us, lay it all out and work through it. You can and will do it.
    3198 days ago
  • CRAZYDOGLADYBO
    I agree with you about being able to come to SP and just lay it all out. Glad that you also found your big aha moment! That is such a wonderful feeling!

    Hope you have a wonderful night.
    3198 days ago
  • LEAHLEGS
    It's funny that you mentioned "the hunt". That's such a huge part of our connection with food, that 30 or so minutes between the decision to overeat, and the act of going out and doing it. At least with me, the binges are always planned and plotted, never spur of the moment. I'm addicted to food too.

    Good luck with all you do, and I hope things start looking up :)
    3198 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    Okay, I am standing back, with my huggy arms planted firmly behind my back. I JUST today blogged about my Easter binge. You should read it - you may or may not relate. I could relate to so much of what you said and I LOVED the way you described the hunting of the prey. In my case, the caveman I live with drug the big-arse thing home and well, you know the rest. I have had two binges in 6 weeks - I could see my binges as failures and predictors of more failure but I see them as amazing progress - only two in six weeks instead of 42 in six weeks! We strive for progress, not perfection - some very smart people taught me that a very long time ago and it remains true. Goodbye for now. I have to end this because my emoticon finger is getting real itchy.
    3198 days ago
  • MRS.CARLY
    Tell it like it is girlie!
    3198 days ago
  • MAMADWARF
    was it at least GOOD CAKE? I mean, at least if it tasted good, I can understand. I hate when I do that over something that wasnt even good! Good for you for changing patterns...
    3198 days ago
  • ECONLADY
    You said beautifully how I am feeling.
    3198 days ago
  • MARTELLA3
    Success is getting up, brushing yourself off and moving forward from where you are.
    Sounds like you are a success to me!

    Marty
    3198 days ago
  • BETHV10
    I had a binge over Easter for no apparent reason that I could think of except that I wanted more of the goodies that I had available than I should have. I am back on my healthy plan but I know that one bad day doesn't define me.
    I am not giving up. It is merely a bump in the road of life.
    3198 days ago
  • BETHV10
    I had a binge over Easter for no apparent reason that I could think of except that I wanted more of the goodies that I had available than I should have. I am back on my healthy plan but I know that one bad day doesn't define me.
    I am not giving up. It is merely a bump in the road of life.
    3198 days ago
  • HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE
    You are totally in my head right now. Check out my food log from yesterday. I got in the car, went directly to the pizza place and bought it. Completely pre-meditated. It sucks today because I'm miserable. I did it and now I have to work my ass off to undo it. Life goes on and so do my choices. Moving on...
    3198 days ago
  • THISYEARSMODEL
    Congrats on your awareness, and for knowing what you need to do! That's a victory in itself. emoticon
    3198 days ago
  • RIGBY31
    Nothing worse than having an Aha! moment stuffed and bloated. Been there (less than 72 hours ago). You're a smart cookie (oops!), get back in the groove because any other lifestyle will kill us. (no hugs for you!)
    3198 days ago
  • REBEKAHJOHNSON
    Psh, I like emoticons! emoticon

    You're human; I'm glad you finally got over that and you're ready to press on. Welcome to my world.

    emoticon

    woot woot!
    3198 days ago
  • ROCKMAN6797
    It is not a race but a way of life filled with peaks and valleys. Good for you for recognizing this fact.
    3198 days ago
  • IMIN2GENES
    I really do love your blogs. Thank you for being so open and honest!

    Growing, learning, venting. It's all part of the process. Good for you! It sounds like you're figuring it out.
    Chris
    3198 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/26/2011 7:27:31 PM
  • RUNNER12COM
    You've identified trouble points, accepted your weaknesses, and planned out a way to maximize your strengths.

    Pfft, what's to judge? Good on ya!
    3198 days ago
  • SEESTARS
    Thanks for sharing this.
    3198 days ago
  • CHRISTINA791
    I think you've done a great job here. You're using the experience to learn more about why it happened rather than beating yourself up or pretending it didn't happen. I know you don't want meaningless hug icons, but I think it takes a lot of strength and personal accountability to use something like this. Sometimes, I think the best thing we can do is study ourselves from the outside to figure out what makes us tick. Looking at both the bad and the good objectively is the best way to do that. Human beings are always a work in progress.
    3198 days ago
  • MIZCATHI
    I like your honest blogs. No, it's not ok, but you accept that you are human, and that is ok. No, it's not ok to purposely seek out a binge, but beating yourself up over it and abusing yourself is not productive. There is a balance, and there is no sense talking about a problem if you don't have a solution. You're consciously figuring that out, and that is a level of maturity that will find you the balance you seek.

    "Forgiving" yourself is walking a fine line. There IS always "tomorrow", or the next meal, but that can become it's own trap. Working out your negative feelings equips you with a healthy emotional tool box. Good for you!


    3198 days ago
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