Just an Update: The Good & The Bad
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Today is the first day I woke up and didn't have a reason to rush out the door since... well, I lost track. A long time ago.
And it was LOVELY. I managed to get a few things done around the house and enjoy the luxury of time during the week for laundry, for straightening up, even for completing a small project. What a gift!
The pace that things have been moving at lately simply doesn't suit me. I don't work full time. I work about 20 hours a week max. I also, however, train about 20 hours a week right now. In addition to that, I've not really given up all those other things I took on when I decided to work part time--cleaning the house, doing the laundry and shopping, having a miniature social life. Lately I've had a lot of anxiety, especially at night. I think a few things are contributing.
1) I'm never on top of things. I'm literally ALWAYS rushing, and I'm never quite prepared enough--whether this means I forgot to pack a mid-workout snack (which is ESSENTIAL these days), whether it means I'm not feeling 100% ready to teach, whether it means I've only gotten 1 of 10 things on my to-do list done. As a consequence, I have this lingering feeling of really not giving my best to any one thing I'm doing right now.
2) My meals are inconsistent. They're partly inconsistent because of the amount I workout. I find I NEED to eat at odd times, and the amount I'm hungry for varies depending on the time of day I'm working out. Also, the weekends have included some out-to-eat meals that haven't been sitting well or feeling good, even if the calories aren't above and beyond what I can have and burn.
3) I'm out of touch with healthy relationships. I have a lot of people left in my life from a less healthy time, and since those are my oldest relationships, those are the people that keep consistently surfacing. However, I'm not in as frequent communication with a more current base of lovely, good-for-me friends because I'm not finding the space in my schedule to be in touch. I feel like I'm giving a lot and not getting a lot of recharge. I need to shift this.
4) Where the eff is spring? I live in NJ, and it's been cold, bitter, and wet here since mid-March. I looked at the ten-day forecast today, and with the exception of Thursday (partly sunny), there is rain predicted for EACH of those ten days. I'm not able to get outside and get things done, workout outside, or even just enjoy the sunlight streaming through the windows. This is really starting to take a toll! I held out for a long time and didn't complain about this weather, but it's really getting old now!
5) There is a lot of uncertainty here right now. I've decided not to finish up my doctorate. After this semester, I'm officially done. This means I have to figure out what's next, job-wise! My training program ends in 5 weeks, and then these people who I've been spending each day with since January fall away with it. There are a lot of people--including my training partner, Michelle--who I'm going to really, seriously miss! I have that sense of being on the brink of some shifts I feel really uncertain about.
So I'm trying to just be with all of that right now. In two weeks, I'm going to have significantly more free time. Two weeks after that, I'm going to have A LOT of free time I didn't have before. I alternate between feeling really excited and grateful for that, and REALLY nervous about it too!
Of course, there is also a lot of great stuff coming out of all of this right now too. I'm now down more than 135 pounds, and I'm just a few pounds shy of being able to claim I'm half my starting weight (I weigh 142 right now--139 would be that number!). I have no intentions of trying to weigh 139 (didn't have intentions to weigh 142 even), but it feels pretty neat to be able to say.
I'm also seeing MUSCLES all over my body! I can see the definition between different qud muscles, can see ab definition and obliques, have back and shoulder muscles that are defined from swimming, and can even see biceps and triceps, just a little bit! I never expected to get to that point, but I really love feeling strong--it's a new feeling for me.
I'm excited to say that I made the right, though difficult, decision for myself regarding what's next with my schooling and work. I've got some things turning over in my head, some directions I'd like to go professionally from here, and I'm excited about them.
I managed a super fast 5k in my training about ten days ago--26:45! I have no idea how I did it, and I don't believe I could duplicate it, but I feel proud of it! That was also immediately after having completed a 15-mile bike ride in 52 minutes!
Anyway, that's where I am right now. Loving training, loving that I'm almost through with this semester (one more huge batch of papers to grade for the next two weeks!), and loving living in good health, taking good care of myself. But... feeling the anxieties of odd meals, a shifting schedule, not enough time to BREATHE, and being out of touch with what and who helps me maintain good mental health. That's just how it is sometimes.
Looking forward to being able to do more regular check-ins with my spark life--hope all is well and good for you all, sparkfriends!