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Just an Update: The Good & The Bad

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Today is the first day I woke up and didn't have a reason to rush out the door since... well, I lost track. A long time ago.

And it was LOVELY. I managed to get a few things done around the house and enjoy the luxury of time during the week for laundry, for straightening up, even for completing a small project. What a gift!

The pace that things have been moving at lately simply doesn't suit me. I don't work full time. I work about 20 hours a week max. I also, however, train about 20 hours a week right now. In addition to that, I've not really given up all those other things I took on when I decided to work part time--cleaning the house, doing the laundry and shopping, having a miniature social life. Lately I've had a lot of anxiety, especially at night. I think a few things are contributing.

1) I'm never on top of things. I'm literally ALWAYS rushing, and I'm never quite prepared enough--whether this means I forgot to pack a mid-workout snack (which is ESSENTIAL these days), whether it means I'm not feeling 100% ready to teach, whether it means I've only gotten 1 of 10 things on my to-do list done. As a consequence, I have this lingering feeling of really not giving my best to any one thing I'm doing right now.

2) My meals are inconsistent. They're partly inconsistent because of the amount I workout. I find I NEED to eat at odd times, and the amount I'm hungry for varies depending on the time of day I'm working out. Also, the weekends have included some out-to-eat meals that haven't been sitting well or feeling good, even if the calories aren't above and beyond what I can have and burn.

3) I'm out of touch with healthy relationships. I have a lot of people left in my life from a less healthy time, and since those are my oldest relationships, those are the people that keep consistently surfacing. However, I'm not in as frequent communication with a more current base of lovely, good-for-me friends because I'm not finding the space in my schedule to be in touch. I feel like I'm giving a lot and not getting a lot of recharge. I need to shift this.

4) Where the eff is spring? I live in NJ, and it's been cold, bitter, and wet here since mid-March. I looked at the ten-day forecast today, and with the exception of Thursday (partly sunny), there is rain predicted for EACH of those ten days. I'm not able to get outside and get things done, workout outside, or even just enjoy the sunlight streaming through the windows. This is really starting to take a toll! I held out for a long time and didn't complain about this weather, but it's really getting old now!

5) There is a lot of uncertainty here right now. I've decided not to finish up my doctorate. After this semester, I'm officially done. This means I have to figure out what's next, job-wise! My training program ends in 5 weeks, and then these people who I've been spending each day with since January fall away with it. There are a lot of people--including my training partner, Michelle--who I'm going to really, seriously miss! I have that sense of being on the brink of some shifts I feel really uncertain about.

So I'm trying to just be with all of that right now. In two weeks, I'm going to have significantly more free time. Two weeks after that, I'm going to have A LOT of free time I didn't have before. I alternate between feeling really excited and grateful for that, and REALLY nervous about it too!

Of course, there is also a lot of great stuff coming out of all of this right now too. I'm now down more than 135 pounds, and I'm just a few pounds shy of being able to claim I'm half my starting weight (I weigh 142 right now--139 would be that number!). I have no intentions of trying to weigh 139 (didn't have intentions to weigh 142 even), but it feels pretty neat to be able to say.

I'm also seeing MUSCLES all over my body! I can see the definition between different qud muscles, can see ab definition and obliques, have back and shoulder muscles that are defined from swimming, and can even see biceps and triceps, just a little bit! I never expected to get to that point, but I really love feeling strong--it's a new feeling for me.

I'm excited to say that I made the right, though difficult, decision for myself regarding what's next with my schooling and work. I've got some things turning over in my head, some directions I'd like to go professionally from here, and I'm excited about them.

I managed a super fast 5k in my training about ten days ago--26:45! I have no idea how I did it, and I don't believe I could duplicate it, but I feel proud of it! That was also immediately after having completed a 15-mile bike ride in 52 minutes!

Anyway, that's where I am right now. Loving training, loving that I'm almost through with this semester (one more huge batch of papers to grade for the next two weeks!), and loving living in good health, taking good care of myself. But... feeling the anxieties of odd meals, a shifting schedule, not enough time to BREATHE, and being out of touch with what and who helps me maintain good mental health. That's just how it is sometimes.

Looking forward to being able to do more regular check-ins with my spark life--hope all is well and good for you all, sparkfriends!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • NICKB1978
    I luv this blog!! you are a AMAZING writer!! You are doing so good for your self. And those people that your training with you can still keep in touch! I mean especially with your trainer. She could like be your workout buddy(by phone or text messages) or just be your friend or workout sponsor. I really think your trainer has really helped you physically and mentally. I mean you have grown so much since the first blog I read from you. I mean it's just amazing how far you have come and I want to congratulate you for that. YOU are definitely my inspiration! I mean even though we have never met I can just tell that you are a very well rounded, caring, unselfish, motivating and giving person and I luv that about you. Your family and friends are very, very luck to have you in their lives and I hope they know that(I'm very jealous of Oh I also to like to write, I'm not very good with the punctuation but I can write some Well keep shinning on lady, your doing great and thank you for being you and for always making me smile. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2909 days ago
    I soo know what you mean about the unhealthy relationships..and other point in your blog...I don't trust myself completely yet..(will I ever??) so it's still a difficult time for me too..

    You look AWESOME!! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2913 days ago

    Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours. ~Swedish Proverb

    You've got it all under control but one.....BREATHE MORE girl!
    2918 days ago
    I'm so glad I've stumbeld across your page! Your results and accomplishments are AMAZING! I have LOTS to lose but reading your story and seeing your before and after pictures are very encouraging! emoticon on your 5K time! I'm using the SP 5K Your Way - Walking program.

    2920 days ago
    i am excited for your upcoming changes, i hope the shift is a positive one, allowing you to pursue relationships that are healthy, have more time for yourself, the house, your training, your LIFE. you write the story, and sometimes there's a cliffhanger, but the story always goes on ;)

    i read this the other day and thought of you:

    When you don't know what you want, it's probably time to begin enjoying what you have.

    You've done so well for yourself,
    The Universe
    2923 days ago
    Thanks for the update!! I think you are an amazing person and that those who know you in 'real life' and claim you as a friend should feel forever grateful. I can't wait to see what sort of new adventure comes your way!!
    2924 days ago
  • FREES1
    yeah really about the sun!!! I am in NY and it's time for the greyness to fade and the sun to find its way back!

    is there a way to continue training with Michelle? or to continue in some sort of program as this one ends?

    it is funky to know that your identity is about to change - after 15 years of continuously being in school it was weird a few years ago to no longer be a student... you'll find something will take its place but its weird nonetheless to know its coming!

    keep the faith - you rock even though you are half of what you used to be! ;-)
    2924 days ago
    Ummm, did you ask for any exercise or life tips on how to manage your time or were you just giving an update? SMH. I'm just saying...

    Anyway, enough of me being a byotch. Having some free time on your hands to enjoy the sunshine sounds absolutely wonderful. And I know what you mean about these dreary days. There hasn't been much sunshine in Harrisburg either this month or last month. I too, am in desperate need of some nicer days ahead. Congrats on pushing yourself to the limit with your training and with taking new steps into new and uncharted territory professionally. Whatever direction you take I'm positive that you'll shine bright. Good for you, friend. emoticon
    2924 days ago
    WOW awesome 5K time in training! That is fantastic! What were you working on your doctorate in?
    2925 days ago
    Somewhere, a long time ago, most likely before you were even born I read an article were the author said that all of us, no matter where we were in our journeys were in "recovery from life." It's taken me years to understand that it is a very positive thing. Aches and pains and dissatisfaction are a sure sign of growth.

    As I was preparing some training for a group of people on being successful you entered my mind and I dedicated a point to you:

    "The “very best” is where a journey should begin, not end!"

    You have certainly accomplished that and as you grow I am sure you will even accomplish even more.

    Much Love

    2925 days ago
  • BANAN2
    We had snow the last two days in Illinois, too. Sheesh! My sandals are calling to me!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2925 days ago
    Other than being super busy, you sound happy. How nice to have a relaxing morning.

    (we had SNOW in Iowa this morning. Spring better hurry up!)
    2925 days ago
    It's nice to hear from you!!! emoticon

    2925 days ago
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