SHREKWARD
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What to do for the best.

Friday, April 15, 2011

I feel so pathetic, I feel helpless and useless. I feel of no worth anymore.
I was once an upstanding citizen. I felt I could offer advice and be respected. I once was able to council and offer help.
I am no longer anything. I know that you my friends, give me support, and it is truly appreciated. But, I cannot value myself of ay substance now.
I don't write these things to senseationalise them, I do it as though it is my last will and testament. I know nothing of a "normal" life anymore, and sink into a world of darkness and alchoool as I try and block my thoughts of the damp future ahead.
I recently in hospital met a blind Ukranian man who was 89 years old. He moaned of the bread that felt like window puty in his mouth.
Clare, who's father would have know this amn (being Ukrakina), I acted to find his addresss and take him sime Italian bread and visit him in hs ramshackled home. I was so sad and near to tears at his existance. I promised him that I would ervisit him and care for him also.
I also revisiteed hositpal to see a Muuslimn man and toook him cans of Fants and McDonalds as he was cravinfs for these things. I did this 4-5 times and it Made a bubble of private life for me. I however can no longert ciope with this and am drinking nbneer and longing for a quiert
wat to rid mysekfl of all this pain.
I am beginnig to lose the abiltyt to be ablwe to typwe as well so I must go nolwe
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  • OPHELIA105
    Oh Chris - you are such a lovely bloke with so much to offer.

    I wish I could help you more than I can.

    There are so many people who care about you.

    Please keep safe and well
    2764 days ago
  • WORKTHEGOAL
    Its all been said here, but listen and act NOW - I hope that someone somewhere has said something to make the difference to help you turn things around.

    M x
    2769 days ago
  • EILEEN828
    Chris,
    Everyone on this earth has value, and you are not an exception. The measure of a person’s worth is the influence we have on the community. Sometimes this is grand, spectacular, and acclaimed by many. Sometimes it is small, personal, and none may even know of it except for the good that comes of it. That good may on the surface go only as far as one person, but the reality is that you too make up the community. Therefore, when the good you put forth for yourself seems like it is benefiting no one, you should remember that in taking care of one’s self you are in fact taking care of a citizen of the community. You don’t have a problem taking care of one person when it’s someone else to take care of.
    You have an obligation to live your life out to it’s fullest. You can’t see the future so you can’t know the good that is yet to come from yourself. You have so much to offer. Also you should remember that your closest family will not benefit from you leaving now. That would be placing such a large emotional burden on them that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives. They can’t undue what you will have done, and they will feel the guilt, unfairly so, of not being able to stop you. They will also have to deal with your removal of help and trust and the promise of a life to live together. People who are your friends will feel the same. People you were destined to meet in the future will be deprived of the talents you would have had to offer them.
    Suicide is never a positive thing. There are no benefits coming from it. Only negatives. I haven’t heard from you, if you talked about your medications with your care team. Your depression and dark thoughts could easily be the result of bad combinations or simply a drug that doesn’t work for you. Why waste your life because of a changeable mistake, one that’s forcing you to think abnormally. You need to speak with people and allow them to help you. You have to trust that they are looking out for your best interests. You will swing out of this eventually. Do what you can to help them. Be strong now, you are worth having a life. Please take good care of yourself.
    Eileen

    2770 days ago
  • FUTUREHOPE49
    Chris! Drinking will just make matters worse! Please stop drinking! You are a good person, don't put yourself down so much! What is it that you fear that is so bad? I think you need the crisis team and another stay in hospital. The way you are feeling is because of your illness and the drink as well. Please contact someone in the crisis team now! I pray that you are soon feeling better and back to your old self! We all miss you!
    emoticon
    Ellen
    2770 days ago
  • PEPPERMINT125
    Chris,
    I have been watching for a new blog from you as we on Sparks are all worried about you and care about you. Because you have shown you are such a great person and so caring for others. You have so much to offer and I am so sad to see what is happening and how you are hurting yourself. Please have hope and please call for help now to the Crisis Center and to 2 or 3 people who care for you right away. You should not be alone.
    Wish I could do more from a distance but you are at the top of my prayer list right now.

    Patty emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2770 days ago
  • MAMABEARLICIOUS
    chris, you should go back and read all your blogs and friend feeds. they tell the story of a happy man who went out of his way to help others. your life has worth. you still have the desire to help others. you need to realize you can help the one person that needs your help the most......... you !! you need to get all the alcohol out of the house...... alcohol and your meds don't mix. the alcohol is making the depression worse. you need to work with the crisis team, they are trying to help you.

    your live has value.... choose life chris. suicide leaves behind despair and sorrow for everyone in your life.

    debra
    2770 days ago
  • LIZBUCK1
    Chris, I was thrilled when I saw you'd sent me a sparkgoodie and a note - thank you so much, not only for what it said but that you'd been in touch. Then I read your blog and I've started worrying all over again. As Daveyshadow says, you must stop the drinking and get help - now! Even if it means a prolonged stay in hospital you must get the treatment you so desperately need. You are certainly not worthless don't ever think that, I for one will never forget the help and support you gave me when I too needed it. I just wish I could be of more help to you now.
    Take care, Liz xx
    2770 days ago
  • DAVEYSHADOW
    emoticon emoticon Chris, stop the drinking now and get yourself in touch with the crisis team again. You must find a way to drag yourself away from this destructive behaviour. You are NOT worthless, look at what you said in this blog about helping others, you do still want to be of help to society.
    2770 days ago
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