It's Not About Me

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I've been trying to decide how to handle a family situation, and how much of the drama is my creation. Maybe the answer is none, and all. First off, the drama is what other people are saying and doing, so it isn't me. On the other hand, what hurts me is where I come in, my fears and insecurities.

One of my family members is prone to manipulation, and likes to do so by telling separate family members lies, and asking them to not tell anyone she "confided" in them. I've watched this from a distance for a while now, after being initially caught up in feeling sorry for her, and how poorly others were treating her. After catching her in multiple lies, some seemingly meaningless, and learning she was twisting my words of support, I've distanced myself, still holding her "confidences" to myself.

Now she's in a pickle, and it seems nobody trusts her much, so she's widening her circle, going to extended family members who don't know what's going on. I've been conflicted about how much to tell, and caught her planning family functions and "accidentally" excluding me.

For a few weeks I've been depressed, and low energy, but not connecting this to what's going on. But this morning, I decided to just let it go. It doesn't concern me, because I'm not doing it. I don't need to do anything, and the further away I am, the better. Almost immediately, I'm experiencing a surprising amount of energy, and think it has to be related. And every time I start to think about this family stuff, I just say to myself "keep your distance, this isn't about you," and it's working! I need a motto, like "Stand Back" or something I can post on the wall, put in my wallet.

I used to be totally confused about how to handle situations, and I think part of that was thinking I NEEDED to do something. I'm learning that the right answer will come to me if I give it time. As much as I wish the answer would be apparent immediately, I am happy to find the truths will present themselves at all, and that the process seems to work a little more quickly than in the past.
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    Or maybe you could make a point of spending time with those people, when it isn't a special event.

    More than likely, people will start to say, "Why didn't you invite her? Where is she?" So then the invitations will start coming.
    1180 days ago
    emoticon Sometimes things just need time to work themselves out.

    Your family member would be bothering me too, because I really don't believe in secrets. Secrets usually hurt people, unless you're planning a surprise birthday party or something like that. If she plans something that you really want to attend, and it's involving some senior members of your family, I think you should just show up. Because otherwise you're letting her keep you from sharing in the last years of their lives, and that's not fair to you or them. Of course if the event is at her house, that would make it harder to do. But what some people do is call up and say, "What shall I bring?" You know, saying, in other words, that you did find out, and she must have just forgot, because surely she couldn't be that rude and you would never think that of her.

    I hope things get better within your family circle!
    1180 days ago
    Loved your blog! you are so right it isn't about you! Let others problems be their own and yours, yours!

    You do get more energy when you let these things go! Forgiveness brings on even more.
    For those like us with PTSD everyday can be a chllenge. We never know when a trigger might set us off, or a flashback, or worse yet a body memory!

    Just remember we survived it, fear has no hold on us unless we give it permission.
    That's my MOTTO! and IT wasn't my fault. I'm 20 yrs in therapy and learning new joys everyday! emoticon
    2987 days ago
    Very insightful! I think you have made the right decision and come to the correct conclusion!
    3051 days ago
    I swear you must be a long lost cousin. This stuff is happening in my family too. I had to learn to love my family and let them go. It was a very difficult lesson to learn. I was so busy trying to "fix" it all that I was making myself nuts.

    How excited I was to read that you figured it out (much quicker than i) that it isn't about us. I wish I could have learned to let it go much faster. I'm so proud of you and am excited to hear that by taking care of yourself, your body is rewarding you with more energy.

    Here's a emoticon for you!

    Great job!
    3054 days ago
    How wonderfully revealing - and satisfying that you can recognize that it is not about you and you don't have to fix it.

    Great idea. STAND BACK.

    I like that. I know what you mean. I am just 'leveling off' from a similar type situation.

    Thanks Diana
    Love your blog. emoticon
    3054 days ago
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