1-99 SparkPoints 8

Rising from the ashes

Monday, April 11, 2011

Lately, I've been having this vision of a pheonix. Thru my short time on this earth, I've endured two transformations; rising from the ashes of what life has thrown at me. I feel like it's time for me to do it again. I am not happy with myself. Depression and anxiety are something that I struggle with daily, some days better than others. My weight is something that I have struggled with for the past 11 years. I have always been "thick" but not obese, and very active. One mentally and physically abusive marriage leading to divorce later, depression almost takes my life a couple of times and I blow up like a blowfish. By the time I finally get this man out of my house, I have a broken jaw, belly full of sleeping pills and am off on leave for 4 months. I lost weight then because I couldn't eat. Back in the swing of things, divorce not quite final, I find out thru my ex-mother-in-law thru an email that she sends me that the soon to be exhusband has a baby with the new gf. Serious blow to my self esteem and confidence.

I find myself lately with very low self esteem and confidence. I hate how I look. I hate how round my belly is...and I'm not even at my biggest! (thank goodness!) I'm ashamed to admit I was bigger. :( But now, I feel like I want a change...not that I need a change but I want it. And because I want it so badly I feel confident that I will be able to attain my weight loss goal. I want to be healthier. I want to be healtier mentally too. I don't want to keep putting myself down in my head. When I look in the mirror I see an ugly woman and I wonder why people bother with me when I don't feel like I'm anything at all.

I'm glad that I found this site. It's something or someone else to be accountable to, to help me stay on track and give me support when I need it. I hope that I can give support to people that I meet on here too.

I am like a pheonix...I will rise from the ashes. Watch me rise.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    2860 days ago
    You are rising out of the ashes and into the light. emoticon on all the successes. Starting over is not easy and you are off to a great start. We are proud of you! emoticon
    2866 days ago
    You've made some wonderful successes already starting with getting the ex out of your space. Then you made the decision that you wanted to change. Then you came to our team. Wow, girl, you have got a lot going for you already. Baby steps lead to bigger steps in time.

    I've been there with the ex and physical/mental abuse. It's difficult to get out of it, but just doing so shows that you are an intelligent, self loving person; you know there is more to life than constant abuse. I'm sure as we get to know you we will love you too. I already feel a kinship toward you after reading your blog.

    Many hugs and best wishes as you start this new journey to loving yourself more. It will happen. You are a lot stronger than you feel right now.

    2867 days ago
  • MOMX2G1B
    Way to find the good in the bad. Keep your head up, be happy and thankful and believe in yourself. You can accomplish whatever your goal is.
    2867 days ago
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