Addicted to food?
Sunday, April 10, 2011
The carbohydrate experiment has been going well. I added more whole grains to my diet and let up on my controlling grip on eating practically no carbs and I have to say I stayed fuller longer when there was some form of carbohydrate in whatever I ate. That being said, I still limit it but find myself letting it go a little bit on certain occasions.
Which brings me to the main point of this blog. I’ve been watching a lot of shows about obesity and eating disorders. I’m extremely interested in the mentality of compulsive over-eating, binge-eating, bulimia, and laxative bulimia. And this one show was talking about how every single person in that treatment center whether they be bulimic, anorexic, or compulsive over-eaters, they all are control freaks. Food is their drug and they control when and how they get it and how much. And lately I have been struggling with over-eating and compulsive bingeing. I don’t eat until I am sick, but I eat mindlessly. It’s not all day. Sometimes it can start with me treating myself to half a donut. I usually eat half, not even cuz I don’t even eat the bottom I eat half of the top and throw the rest away. Then I find myself wanting salt so I get a small bag of chips. Then I want sweet again so I will eat one of my snacks, maybe an orange or apple. Or it could be we eat out I have a big meal then want to just continue to eat the rest of the night like the one big meal triggered a switch that said EAT EAT EAT. And I still have the problem of eating everything I bring to work within two hours of being there. Not every day because I try really hard to follow my “wait an hour” rule where if I eat a snack I drink tons of water with it and try to wait an hour before letting myself have anything else and usually it stretches beyond an hour because I get busy so it works out. It’s hard to explain this problem because I think it’s more mental than anything. To anyone else, they’d say that I work out every day burning between 700-1000 calories a day and could eat cheeseburgers if I wanted to and not gain. According to my BMR I can eat up to 2400 calories a day to maintain my weight. Do I think I am eating 2400 calories a day? Some days yeah when I have bad nights but MOST days I don’t really go further than 1800-2000. So what’s the problem? Me. I have anxiety about food. And last night I really was thinking I wish I could go to a hypnotist. It’s not even that I worry about the calories, I just think about food constantly. When I am going to eat and what I am going to eat. And it’s NOT healthy. Last night I went to a birthday party but got there late so I missed the food. So all there was left was chips, cupcakes, and cookies. So yeah I ate too much. Way too much of that stuff and felt sick. So I took Annie for a 30 minute brisk walk while on the phone, just making sure I kept moving and stayed slightly out of breath. To me that was a healthy response to overeating. But there are days where I just get so upset like this morning. I don’t think I’ve gained but I feel like I can see it in my gut when I’ve been eating badly or too much. I feel bloated. And today I wanted to cry and I asked Matt if he thought I’d ever be happy with my body. I don’t know. I’m in fantastic shape. I have muscles, a six pack that is beginning to show through, and toned legs and arms. Why can’t I be proud? I had a freakin anxiety attack at work yesterday because I’d worn short sleeves for the first time since last summer and I felt like my arms were enormous and ugly. I think with the warmer weather coming the realization that soon I’ll have to reveal my body again, that anxiety is still there. I always hated spring and summer because it meant I couldn’t cover up my weight problem. Now I can’t wait for spring and summer because I can’t wait to be outside but that fear of people seeing my body is killing me.
To try to rationalize this and feel better, I think I am going to shop tomorrow. I need to find nice clothes that fit, and are flattering and I know I’ll feel better. I just have a limited wardrobe right now so if one thing doesn’t look right today I don’t have many choices and get flustered. I just feel like my mind still hasn’t caught up with my body and I wish I could see my body for what it is, in fantastic shape. But I still think “I look fat. I am fat I look gross” and I hate those thoughts. Then I think about food and just want to cry because WHY am I always thinking about food? Matt suggested I need to eat more. Maybe just eat more and watch the scale if you gain you know to cut back. He doesn’t understand the mentality of being terrified to gain weight. But I’m beginning to wonder if I need to just eat what I want in moderation, not worry that much, and just watch the scale. I will always work out 6 days a week like I do. Maybe I just need to let go. I don’t know. I just want to live and not constantly think about calories and stuff. I’m not counting anymore, but the food is getting to me. Working out I love doing, and enjoy the feeling it gives me so that isn’t my problem. I just want to go to a hypnotist who will convince me that I will NOT think about food and not be hungry all the time.
I have to go to work now but I just feel really lost and upset about this. Thanks for listening.