MOBEANZ
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Addicted to food?

Sunday, April 10, 2011

The carbohydrate experiment has been going well. I added more whole grains to my diet and let up on my controlling grip on eating practically no carbs and I have to say I stayed fuller longer when there was some form of carbohydrate in whatever I ate. That being said, I still limit it but find myself letting it go a little bit on certain occasions.

Which brings me to the main point of this blog. I’ve been watching a lot of shows about obesity and eating disorders. I’m extremely interested in the mentality of compulsive over-eating, binge-eating, bulimia, and laxative bulimia. And this one show was talking about how every single person in that treatment center whether they be bulimic, anorexic, or compulsive over-eaters, they all are control freaks. Food is their drug and they control when and how they get it and how much. And lately I have been struggling with over-eating and compulsive bingeing. I don’t eat until I am sick, but I eat mindlessly. It’s not all day. Sometimes it can start with me treating myself to half a donut. I usually eat half, not even cuz I don’t even eat the bottom I eat half of the top and throw the rest away. Then I find myself wanting salt so I get a small bag of chips. Then I want sweet again so I will eat one of my snacks, maybe an orange or apple. Or it could be we eat out I have a big meal then want to just continue to eat the rest of the night like the one big meal triggered a switch that said EAT EAT EAT. And I still have the problem of eating everything I bring to work within two hours of being there. Not every day because I try really hard to follow my “wait an hour” rule where if I eat a snack I drink tons of water with it and try to wait an hour before letting myself have anything else and usually it stretches beyond an hour because I get busy so it works out. It’s hard to explain this problem because I think it’s more mental than anything. To anyone else, they’d say that I work out every day burning between 700-1000 calories a day and could eat cheeseburgers if I wanted to and not gain. According to my BMR I can eat up to 2400 calories a day to maintain my weight. Do I think I am eating 2400 calories a day? Some days yeah when I have bad nights but MOST days I don’t really go further than 1800-2000. So what’s the problem? Me. I have anxiety about food. And last night I really was thinking I wish I could go to a hypnotist. It’s not even that I worry about the calories, I just think about food constantly. When I am going to eat and what I am going to eat. And it’s NOT healthy. Last night I went to a birthday party but got there late so I missed the food. So all there was left was chips, cupcakes, and cookies. So yeah I ate too much. Way too much of that stuff and felt sick. So I took Annie for a 30 minute brisk walk while on the phone, just making sure I kept moving and stayed slightly out of breath. To me that was a healthy response to overeating. But there are days where I just get so upset like this morning. I don’t think I’ve gained but I feel like I can see it in my gut when I’ve been eating badly or too much. I feel bloated. And today I wanted to cry and I asked Matt if he thought I’d ever be happy with my body. I don’t know. I’m in fantastic shape. I have muscles, a six pack that is beginning to show through, and toned legs and arms. Why can’t I be proud? I had a freakin anxiety attack at work yesterday because I’d worn short sleeves for the first time since last summer and I felt like my arms were enormous and ugly. I think with the warmer weather coming the realization that soon I’ll have to reveal my body again, that anxiety is still there. I always hated spring and summer because it meant I couldn’t cover up my weight problem. Now I can’t wait for spring and summer because I can’t wait to be outside but that fear of people seeing my body is killing me.

To try to rationalize this and feel better, I think I am going to shop tomorrow. I need to find nice clothes that fit, and are flattering and I know I’ll feel better. I just have a limited wardrobe right now so if one thing doesn’t look right today I don’t have many choices and get flustered. I just feel like my mind still hasn’t caught up with my body and I wish I could see my body for what it is, in fantastic shape. But I still think “I look fat. I am fat I look gross” and I hate those thoughts. Then I think about food and just want to cry because WHY am I always thinking about food? Matt suggested I need to eat more. Maybe just eat more and watch the scale if you gain you know to cut back. He doesn’t understand the mentality of being terrified to gain weight. But I’m beginning to wonder if I need to just eat what I want in moderation, not worry that much, and just watch the scale. I will always work out 6 days a week like I do. Maybe I just need to let go. I don’t know. I just want to live and not constantly think about calories and stuff. I’m not counting anymore, but the food is getting to me. Working out I love doing, and enjoy the feeling it gives me so that isn’t my problem. I just want to go to a hypnotist who will convince me that I will NOT think about food and not be hungry all the time.

I have to go to work now but I just feel really lost and upset about this. Thanks for listening.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SPARKINGCASSIE
    Hi SP Friend!! Well you know I'm a big supporter of healthy carbs especially for ladies that work out as much as you. (personally I'm probably too big of a fan for my own good).

    When you where talking about obsessing about food. I could relate 100%!! I feel like I'm constantly thinking about it. I know its good to plan our meals, but I'm referring to the fact that it is always on my mind. I feel it is my addiction.

    I have read a few things about how people who loose weight can't see their new image in the mirror. I know you have some pics so be sure you look at them when your having those moments and pat yourself on the back for the success you have earned.

    When and I reiterate WHEN you figure this out please be sure to share the secret!

    Spark On!!!
    2773 days ago
  • VIXEN2188
    I have to disagree with fathomgreen. Sorry but I do not believe that obsession is part of the process. If I could go back and redo how I approached weight loss it would be very different. I would have taught myself how many calories I could have in a day that were reasonable and I would have shown myself to be more conscious of what I put in my mouth. I would have taught myself that sweets are a luxury and are not to be enjoyed everyday. Since I started back on the path of not counting calories I have become more aware of when I am really hungry. I still do on occasion find myself trying to add them up in my head but that's usually when I feel extra hungry one day. I have come to the realization that my body knows best. When you don't count calories and you overeat a little bit one day your body should be able to handle those extra calories. This is to say that it doesn't happen all the time though. For example, Friday and Saturday I wasn't very hungry and I feel that I was around 1400 to 1500 calories. The scale shows I lost weight and I felt good about it. Sunday I was a little hungrier then those two days. I feel that my body knows I lost a little weight and it wants me to compensate for it. So I ate a little more and I think I came to around 1700. I could be way off though but if I had to guess that's what I would say. The scale today showed a little rise but so what right? I tell myself I ate under two days plus working out and eating slightly more one day still keeps me at a loss or at maintenance. I have to come to accept that 112ish LBS is my lowest and my body will tell me when I am not eating enough or eating too much. Sorry to ramble! You can message me if you want to chat :)

    PS I believe you would be more close to the disorder of non-purging bulimia. I feel that is what I had as well. It is classified as over-eating and then compensating by under eating and/or excessive exercising.
    2776 days ago
  • FATHOMGREEN
    Honestly, your thoughts sound pretty normal to me. The food 'obsession' is part of the process of becoming a mindful eater. You've become a new person and it's going to take some time to adjust. I can't really help you at the point you are now, because you're transitioning from weight-loss mode, to weight-maintaining mode, and I'm not anywhere near that point. But, don't be hard on yourself. You'll figure this out.

    As for your self-image issues, they are something I can give you advice on. I'm 355 pounds. I used to be over 400 pounds. I love my body. I haven't always, but I do now. And the trick is to stop focusing on the things you hate and start focusing on the things you love. I started with my wrists, and over time began to love the whole thing because I discovered ways to look at parts of me and see the good in them instead of the bad.

    I highly recommend watching a show called How to Look Good Naked. See if you can find it, and it'll help put a lot of your self-image issues into perspective.
    2777 days ago
  • SILLYHP1953
    You wrote "I’m beginning to wonder if I need to just eat what I want in moderation, not worry that much, and just watch the scale". Well that would be wonderful! Can you do it? Have you tried to do it? Marianne Williamson has a cd out that goes with her A Course In Weight Loss and it is guided meditations. I've always thought those are pretty much the same thing as hypnotism. You will figure it, I'm sure. Meditation would help.
    emoticon
    2777 days ago
  • IBSHAUN
    Part of your journey is not just weight loss and your work outs - it's learning to live your life. You will find a place that is balanced but you need to be open to it. Accepting who you are now, the body you have now is a huge part of that. Moderation, what you want, watching what you eat - all of it has a place in life. As I read your blogs I feel angst and frustration from you and it does seem to be a constant battle with food. Somehow you have let food be a part of your life, give it its place and begin living. You have accomplished SO much but you can't go to the other extreme. I really hope you find what works for you. Keep believing in you but maybe take some of the pressure off of yourself, too.
    2777 days ago
  • FIT_FOR_LIFE85
    I was reading your blog and immediately felt sympathetic... Hon, I wish I had some advice for you and some way for you to feel better about yourself. I've said this before- you look great! You are not fat! You've made amazing changes in your life and you're really living a healthy lifestyle even when you indulge every once in a while. But I know that me saying this doesn't help. It doesn't really matter what other people believe until you see it in yourself. And I totally understand the fear of gaining weight. Heck, I always gain the weight back! So I really have no advice there. But I do sympathize with your constant occupation with food and body image. And again, I'm in the same boat so I can't really help you.... I would suggest trying to go to a therapist. I've been to a therapist before and unfortunately (because of my move) I had to stop, but it was REALLY helpful when I went. His specialty was emotional and mindless eating and I felt that I was really getting to the bottom of my problem. I think that if you find a therapist that you can relate to and that understands you, it could be very helpful. Also (and I've been recommending her books to pretty much everybody I know that has issues with food), I really like Geneen Roth's books. I'm now reading "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" and it really hits home for me.
    Sorry I couldn't offer more help, but I'm always here to listen and support you in whichever way possible. emoticon
    2777 days ago
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