In The End, You'll See The Light
Saturday, April 09, 2011
I really didn't want to go. The mere thought made me submerge myself deeper into the covers.
"Seriously. What's one day?"
"A lot and we both know it."
I growled and flipped onto my other side. The little angel on my shoulder was right. I was getting into one of those funks, where I think everything is working against me. Still single. Still no news from graduate schools. Still not down 40 lbs. Still feeling ugly. Still stressed. I know getting up and getting dressed will be the hard part. Leaving the house will be even harder. I kind of bullsh*t. Check my e-mail for a bit, consume my banana a bit too slowly, pinch my skin before the mirror, then sit at the table in the living room debating whether I actually want to step out of the house.
"It's just one day though."
"You're already dressed. Might as well."
Again, the angel is right. Might as well. Might as well to avoid sulking and thinking of the lack of food in the fridge and viciously putting myself down. It's a long walk. Longer than usual. There's no pep in my step, no humor in my face. It's not cold enough to bury my face in a hood, and I wish it was. I'm not at my best. I feel drained on the elliptical. 5 minutes in I think of quitting. I pedal on. Curse myself for not committing myself back in high school. Curse the gods for not making me thin. I don't hit my goal of 650 calories. Actually, without the cool down I wouldn't even surpass 600. Mental note: Work harder. Check into why you're so tired. By the time for legs and abs my bad mood is lifting.
I kind of strut home. Anticipate highlighting one more day in green on April's calendar. I count the green days for April. 6. One orange. I'm smiling.
"Told you one day was a lot."