Shall I say F*** the abundance mentality?

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Lord knows how tempting it would be in the spot I'm in, from the perspective I get in this pothole I stucked myself in. Cuz I decided to believe it's "JUST" a pothole.

My old programming comes back in full force boasting thoughts such as "It always comes to the same thing" " Every time you are on the path to something all fall aparts" "I don't know what to do" "I feel exhausted (which is true)" and so on.


Oh, i am not saying it was easy at first to switch to something else. At first all I could do was try and convince myself that I did wanted to breath!

The pain in my chest was making me want to cringe and cower to my bed and every attempt to talk myself to open up was producing more adamant recoil. So I did go to bed and just focused on fighting a deep breath through each cringe and each thought that would bring me back in a prison of fear.

I breath through and eventually broke through when I remembered an exercise we had done at UIBC. Remembering and focusing on the memory of how effective and powerful the anchor I had created at the event had been, I started doing it.

My personal phrase is "I believe". Because I REALLY deeply profoundly believe in God. Its actually the only thing I never doubted in my life. I have doubted everything, feared everything but God. And every time in my life I have entrusted myself to Him(Her ;) ) I have been blessed with responses beyond anything I could have imagined.

Unfortunately, in the past, I seldom felt worthy enough or that I should bother him (like God could be bothered) with petty stuff or myself, reserving my plea for when I was at the bottom of the barrel. I have never had trouble showing gratitude and thanking. I'm a joyful heart. But I have never thought to let him walk along, through the petty as well as the horrid.

Its pretty sad, since that sort of warranted some life long struggle with ups and down... a little bit like a justification to meet with an old beloved friend!

But I'm deviating right now so back to the fight to stay afloat and nourishing positive thoughts.

Of course it was tempting to see the brain training system as a failure. After all, I had stopped logging my food on Spark, I was back to square one (but was I) and still with debts.

15 minutes ago, I wanted to scream with anger. I wanted to protest, I was wondering what to do now.

Feeling absolutely demotivated about looking for another "job". Pissed that I had not been able to keep that one long enough to have some financial breathing room.

Tempted again by old demons (going back to university to do my master but not knowing in what!) I guess to others it should be obvious when you are considering doing a master, to know in what you want to do it. Well its all a matter of energy and not trusting myself that I will have enough passion to follow through.

Thinking about some business project that my actual "freedom" would allow me to spend time on and feeling completely demotivated. Wondering where all that passion I was feeling for those had gone.

Feeling absolutely unconvinced while browsing through job offers. Debating AGAIN (frustrating that this is always back on the spotlight) what I should do with my life.

See... this is where it got interesting. I was about to crawl in bed again (It is splattered with sun at this time so I might go but to get a sunbath ;)
When it hit me....

Courage is when things are hard, and you think you've been good and enduring and that life should give you a break and that the break is not coming, courage is to continue then. I had gone through that experience 8 years ago for about 3 years.

Abundance mentality... is to see beyond the restraints of the angle or point of view we are in.

It looked to me that I was back to my failure state, beaten down by the "You are extremely competent, but it just don't work with the team here" so many times heard pink slip comment... It was difficult to know how to not feel ahamed for my big mouth lack of social skills (for a communication psychosociologist thats pretty shameful) bulldozer stupid attitude.

I was looking for a hand rail to hold on to... Not wanting to fall into the cheap shot comforting clich├ęs such as "they did not deserve you" and crap like that. It was not a good match, for one. Despite the great location, salary, field of work that had me absolutely raving about the position, the daily life reality of that job was not a good match. For either. So really, it was the right thing to happen.

That does not make being rejected any more pleasant. But, must not have been pleasant for them to deal with big mouth overbearing with ideas missy here either. Now I'm almost making myself laugh.

What helped me, was to remember a win win situation. My job at Katimavik, and that at CQDM. It helped because there at least I fit in, I was appreciated. At least one or two like that! I can go with this. Scarce but it happened; it still can happen. Thing is to try to identify what were the factors that made this situation work for both me and the company and than focus on that when looking for a position.

One thing is for sure. I need a window! And a closed office. And no Glade! That toxic stuff makes me nauseous! I am scared to ask for all these things I know deep down I want cuz I feel I'm being a prima dona and that so many people deal with situations worst than that and that I should be happy to just get a job in the first place.

Hear the big buzzer here: WROONG! Thank you for sharing.

The abundance mentality isn't a fake, its a skill to develop. 90 days is short time to reverse 40 years of "when you are born for little you ask for little" mentality.

At least I must give the abundance mentality a few credits: it actually got me to that job in the first place!
It helped me switch off and bounce (well lets say keep moving ) back on track.

What I will do. Today, I don't know.

But I have things to do, to find out. I have goals to set, an a wall full of ideas to organize.

What tomorrow holds in, I don't know. But today, I will do what I can to continue to move forward (out of the pothole first ;)

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PETILLE007
    Thank you :) emoticon
    2635 days ago
    Wow, you are really dealing with a lot. I totally understand that when you are dealing with people who "don't get it and don't want to get it" that it is very hard to be politic. It's hard to be part of a team when you are strong willed, opinionated, and intelligent and it seems that you have identified that as part of the challenge for you. Try to remember that no matter how smart you are, how well educated you are, and how right you are that people don't care about any of that if they don't like you and aren't invested in you.
    You'll get the goals set and pop out of the pothole soon. I send some prayers your way. God puts us in the same situation again and again until we learn what we need to know from it. You'll never bother God by sharing the little things in your life, either. He wants to hear from you - good, bad, or indifferent. I have a little sign on my bureau that says, " Before you go to bed, give all of your troubles to God. He'll be up all night anyway."
    Good luck.
    2635 days ago
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