When will I be ready to change?

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

I'm depressed. Like hardcore, can't stand myself, want to scream, pissed off, wishing I could swear on my Spark Blog depressed. Tomorrow marks 8 months since we moved to Ciudad Juarez, Mexico. Yeah, yeah, I know, murder capital of the world, blah, blah, blah. I don't eat because I am fearing a stray bullet for God's sake.

I have no excuse. I don't understand why I can't pull myself together. What's wrong with me. My eating is out of control. My drinking is out of control. I am buried so deep and I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I weigh 20 lbs more that I was at my worst. I've been a member of SP for like 4 flipping years now and here I am. Worse than when I started. I've battled drug addictions, I've battled immigration, I've gotten out of an abusive relationship, lost a child, been raped. I've gotten over it all. Why in the eff can't I tackle this food addiction? Why can't I just eat right and exercise? Why? WHHHHY?!?! I don't get it.

Work is amazing. My husband is amazing. My friends are amazing. I love myself. Me. My personality, my intelligence, my witt. Why can't I overcome these physical ailments? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change. I am such an addict it's disgusting. Food is worse than low-life men, worse than red wine, worse than methamphetamines. What do I do?

I know, I know. I develop a plan. I blog. I log my food. Yadda yadda yadda. I've been there. I've done that. I've lost weight. I always, always, always, gain it and more back. I don't know what to do. I don't know anything.

:steps off pathetic, woe-is-me soapbox:
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know you wrote this a long time ago and IDK what your current situation is but I just wanted to say I soooo feel you. I could have written most of this blog. The important thing is to never ever give up. Try to take baby steps-- if you caved to a binge try to get back in the game asap. I have found that I can eat astounding amounts of food and barely even remember what/how much etc. For me {and possibly yourself} Food is a HUGE comfort and almost my friend. Whenever I'm bored or sad or lonely a binge feels amazing and taking that away seems so lonely and sad. SAD but true. I hope you are doing better and can find the strength to work through this! It IS possible!!
    2323 days ago
    I wish I could be right there with you and we could do this together. Pero I'm there with you in spirit and always via internet! (that was my lame attempt at cracking a joke, sorry).

    You know I'm here for you if you need anything. You have me on Skype girl, use me. Whenever you wanna vent or just talk or you need a good scolding to put down the food just Skype me and I'll be there. =)
    2606 days ago
    No words emoticon

    Because of your faults and your reality I still look up to you. You are human and you will fail BUT you will get up and try once again.
    2606 days ago
    i'm sorry that you are feeling so low at the moment. i think maybe the weight has been important for you - a security blanket of sorts, or maybe something on which to focus your frustration and depression. why do you want to lose the weight? is it health, vanity, to spite someone? there are so many reasons to want to lose weight, and so many (subconscious) reasons to keep it on.

    also, be aware that moving and living in another country makes all of this more difficult. i live in johannesburg (the rape capital of the world) and i gained about 5 kgs. just living here. they are SLOWLY coming off, but it has been a complete lifestyle change.

    take some time for yourself. figure out the reasons you might have for wanting to lose the weight, and the reasons why being heavy has helped you in some way. push through this rough time, your mood will improve again.
    2607 days ago
    I think that yoga might help. I talk about it all the time, definitely investigate the book "Yoga for Depression." Also, I listen to two podcasts that help me tremendously with my eating habits/problems: 1. IOWL or Inside Out Weight Loss, especially episodes 1-18. You can get that as a free download. Renee Stephens directly takes on the weight loss struggle with motivational techniques that are gentle with yourself rather than abusive. 2. The Reasonable Diet: Sandra Ahten has free podcasts on iTunes that are directly for people who know what to do but don't do it.

    I hope that helps. The core truth is, at some level, the eating or being heavy is working for you. It offers comfort when you need it or it covers something up. For me, it was a shield to keep away unwanted advances.
    2607 days ago
    I feel for you - I have felt the same way. I am new to the ED thing, so I do not know how to tell you to make it better. I am in search of the same answer. I found journaling the food I eat along with writing my feelings at the same time to be the most helpful thing I have learned so far. At first I thought "what good is writing my feelings every time I eat going to do?" but it actually helped me see that I was eating due to boredom & frustration. Today I had an attack, where I felt I wanted to eat, but I knew it could not have been hunger...I immediately got out my journal and started writing. I took deep breaths and wrote what was on my mind and I made it through it! Hang in there!!!
    2607 days ago
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