Sunday, April 03, 2011
This weekend was one of the strangest I have had in quite some time. It was spent in constant thought. Friday night my fiancé took me to one of our favorite places in Chinatown and I just kept staring off into space blankly and I felt bad. He said he understood and it was ok and we did a lot of talking about what we want for the future and on what time line. I broke down on the ride home and sobbed uncontrollably and told him he could leave me because I am a mess and it is my fault we have financial problems and if he blamed me it was ok and I love him enough to want him to be happy even if that means it would be without me. He got upset and told me I need to stop thinking that way and that he loves me and is in this for the long haul.
Saturday we went out and ran errands and decided to just spend the day at home as we are trying to spend as little money as possible. I made a delicious dinner of homemade saag paneer that I lightened the recipe, IT WAS SO GOOD, steak for him and lamb for me. It was nice to sit by candle light and just talk. We really enjoy each others company and we have so little time together that I always savor each moment. Earlier in the day we had a big talk about my work situation and he told me he supports whatever I choose and also saw the good and bad of each decision. That didn't help me so much. However the thing he did tell me was that he sees me be afraid to stand up for myself and be tough with people and that is something I need to do. That he knows I am capable and can do anything I set my mind to and I have to stop being afraid and he is 100% correct. Fear kept me fat. Fear keeps me from working on my business plan. Fear keeps me from writing. Fear keeps me at jobs I hate because I am comfortable.
My new personal mission is stop living in fear. I will not be able to live the life I want if I keep on this path. So here it goes. I am going to write a time line for finishing my business plan this week including meeting with individuals who can help me fund said business ie groups who help small business get off the ground or offer funding to women owned startups. I am going to rewrite my resume tonight and start sending it out to new jobs and see what is out there. I am going to go to work tomorrow and tear the place up and prove them wrong. NOBODY tells me I am a failure. NO ONE. Even if I am going to leave in 2 months I am going out on a bang. I am going to do it on my terms if they don't like how I am doing it, they can fire me. I let them control this whole review process and they showed me little to no respect and that is what this is about. Respect. So, they get me on my terms from now on. Enough is enough. I really could care less if they like me. This is about doing what I want to do and what is healthy for me and my family. I am going to work as much as I want. Period. None negotiable and if they don't like it, oh well. They have no right insinuate I owe them more of myself when I get nothing in return. Not going to happen. I am done living on someone else's terms.
I lost 95 lbs, I can do anything. When I open my café, I better see sparklers coming in and showing me the love! Thank you all of you for the support over the last 2 weeks. I love you guys so much. You will never know how much your support meant to me during this, you kept me holding my head up high and that is what true friends do for each other. It is pretty amazing.