Do you ever feel like a fake?
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
I had forgotten about a business dinner I have tomorrow night with a vendor we use. I personally don't use them but the rest of the company does so it will be awkward none the less for me. They had not told us the restaurant until this afternoon and it is this shishi French place on Beacon Hill. I like that kind of food but rarely will spend the money on it personally so it will be a nice experience but I am feeling insecure about the whole night. Yes, I will go over calories and no this is not the kind of establishment that posts nutritional information lol. I am at peace with that. Life can not be lived in a bubble and sometimes we will go over calories.
What makes me insecure is sometimes I feel like I am playing grown up. Do you ever look around you and feel like "whose life is this?". I have friends who tell me they look at their own kids and feel that way sometimes. Like who are these little people? There are times I sit in a business meeting and want to laugh because this is the life I always wanted and you know what? I kinda hate it. I wanted to wake up and wear a suit and go off to my big important job. I thought that made me somebody. That made me important.
I had a job tomorrow for 450 people and it was all my responsibility. Do you know how scary that is and I am good at this. You can make a mistake and screw up something for 450 people. It is intimidating. Luckily I have a good team and we all play to our own strengths and watch each others backs. The client called today and CANCELLED THE PARTY. Yup, you know how you just said "Are you f-ing kidding me?" That was the reaction every single person at work had. They actually postponed it to next week but when you get the adrenaline going that gets you through an event like this it is hard to come down before you planned for it to happen. I have felt really off all day.
There are times on SP I feel like a fake too. I am who I say I am but when people email me and tell me I inspire them I just don't feel inspirational. I don't feel like I have done anything special and I will admit I am angry with myself for needing to lose this kind of weight. How could I get so huge? I have lost almost 95 lbs and I am still fat???? How does that HAPPEN?! People look at me and I am still considered huge and I am on the verge of losing 100 lbs. I guess when I hit the hundred lost mark I will feel like I have accomplished something because that has been a big goal of mine since day one. I will have 60 more to lose.
Please don't see this as a cry for attention or that I want to have my ego stroked. It isn't about that at all. It is about getting out what I am feeling and it isn't always positive. Acknowledging all feelings, good and bad, it a big part of this. It is how we work through them that matters. I have improved my self esteem tremendously since I started and that is not in any way fake. I do like myself now. I do believe I can do anything now. When I started I was faking it but now, it is a habit and it feels good.
Wish me luck tomorrow night because I have to get all dolled up and use my big girl manners. I actually am rather refined but I get a kick out of not being that way all the time. It bores me. Truthfully Kate Middleton can be queen. Her life seems rather stuffy and pretentious compared to all the things that are possible for my future.