Another hospital visit.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
This morning came and I had thoughts of visiting the garden shed, where there are lots of tools and equipment to trip over and meet with some sort of accident.
I tried to rationalise that this was a the right way to "try" again, as it could be seen as more of an "accident" than suicide. This way Clare may see the "accident" with less anguish perhaps?, thus leaving my conscience slightly more clear to carry on.
Clare immediately recognised my mood and contacted the hospital Crisis team and was whisked away for more analysis.
My attitude is still very confused but I am still fascinated by the potential relief of the finality of it all.
This is all like a game I'm playing and toying with, knowing that one day I will lose, but I don't fear losing, as this has been firmly a part of my life for so long now.
Pain doesn't frighten me either as I feel like a boxer who feels nothing during the fight as he is in the "zone" and doesn't shy away from it.
I have now come to realise that I have been depressed for so long, it's like being in a foreign country for such a long time, I have actually picked the accent up. I live it all the time.
Those of you who know me, know me as a clown, the life and soul of the party, with a sense of humour that starts laughing at myself first. This is the way I have gotten through life so far but, I can't do that anymore.
I do not mean to put on you good people.
I would rather it that NO ONE replies, and then I have just done this for myself as a log again.
I am so tired, I just want to sleep.
Sleep long, sleep hard.