SHREKWARD
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Another hospital visit.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

This morning came and I had thoughts of visiting the garden shed, where there are lots of tools and equipment to trip over and meet with some sort of accident.
I tried to rationalise that this was a the right way to "try" again, as it could be seen as more of an "accident" than suicide. This way Clare may see the "accident" with less anguish perhaps?, thus leaving my conscience slightly more clear to carry on.

Clare immediately recognised my mood and contacted the hospital Crisis team and was whisked away for more analysis.

My attitude is still very confused but I am still fascinated by the potential relief of the finality of it all.
This is all like a game I'm playing and toying with, knowing that one day I will lose, but I don't fear losing, as this has been firmly a part of my life for so long now.
Pain doesn't frighten me either as I feel like a boxer who feels nothing during the fight as he is in the "zone" and doesn't shy away from it.

I have now come to realise that I have been depressed for so long, it's like being in a foreign country for such a long time, I have actually picked the accent up. I live it all the time.
Those of you who know me, know me as a clown, the life and soul of the party, with a sense of humour that starts laughing at myself first. This is the way I have gotten through life so far but, I can't do that anymore.

I do not mean to put on you good people.
I would rather it that NO ONE replies, and then I have just done this for myself as a log again.
I am so tired, I just want to sleep.
Sleep long, sleep hard.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LIZBUCK1
    Hi Chris, Haven't been on here much myself the last few days as I have been invaded by family and don't have a moment's peace lately!! Have been quickly checking on your page daily though as was worried you weren't blogging and I had a horrible feeling something like this may have happened to you. So glad you're still with us as we all love and need you - and that's not counting Clare and the Boys. Can't say any more than the others have said, just that we're all routing for you and yes take all the help you need to get through this. Keep blogging as we all need to know how you are and if we do keep replying when you don't want us to, then sorry but we need to show you that we care. xx
    2792 days ago
  • EILEEN828
    Chris, I am so concerned for your situation. I haven't been checking in this group lately and so I'm only finding out about this today. I went back through all your blogs for the last two months to get a sense of it. You remind me very much by your words and actions of a dear friend I had that actually did succeed at ending his life. It was a great tragedy. He had similar problems. He was bipolar, had great highs and lows, lived his life like a roller coaster. While he took prescriptions, in the end what pushed him over the edge, was the fact that he allowed himself to get involved with the wrong crowd and became addicted to meth. I'm going to put this out there that very probably you are dealing with some very bad for you prescriptions or prescription combinations that is influencing to think and feel the way you do right now. This is definitely be reviewed by your doctors. I read that you were taking 13 prescriptions and I'm having a hard time understanding why you really need that many. I'm not a doctor so I can't give that kind of advice, but I've also had to deal with prescriptions for my son and when he was being prescribed too many. Also my husband takes a number as do I but no where near that many. It just plain sounds wrong to me. So many drugs are known to induce suicidal thoughts. Please review everything you take, including any supplements and vitamins with your care team and see if some of them are unnecessary or if you are reacting badly to one. Have Clare insist to the doctors as well to review this. You are a very smart man and really do have a handle on how to get through life's ups and downs. Life is worth living and I already know how much good you get out of it and how much more you have to offer yourself and the world. Your family loves and needs you and should not be forced to cope with the aftermath of a bad, not well thought through decision. That's all it really is, just an impulse. You can get around it. Ask for help to get it sorted out. Please hang in there. emoticon
    2792 days ago
  • WORKTHEGOAL
    I'm not fooled - I remember our first contacts with each other on sp - you were having tough times then - and we all know that the clown hides a deep sadness.

    I truly hope you don't give up on yourself Chris - what would your wonderful dogs do without you?

    Keep fighting - there's help out there and there is a light at the end of that tunnel too............

    M x
    2792 days ago
  • WESTIEGAL1
    Chris, I am keeping you in my prayers and lifting you up daily for peace and comfort. I can only imagine how frightening this must be for you and Clare. Please listen to the doctors and take your medications, we're all here pulling for you. Open your heart to the Lord Chris. He'll surround you with his love and guide you through this. You have a great future ahead of you-just think of the possibilities, nothing is impossible. We have a young girl over here who lost her arm due to a shark bite and she was a surfer. She is still surfing today-with only one arm! Her name is Bethany Hamilton, look her up. She is very inspiring and maybe will help you to see how you can overcome. We're here for you-never forget that!
    2792 days ago
  • FUTUREHOPE49
    I am listeneing Chris! But I won't give up on you! Please keep sharing with us how you feel! Its good to get it off your chest! Hope and pray you are feeling better soon! Have a good rest my friend!
    emoticon
    Ellen
    2792 days ago
  • MAMABEARLICIOUS
    chris,
    you're so lucky clare is there to help you. she obviously loves you very much and is trying to help you. you have just been on meds and therapy for a few days.... you have got to give it a chance to work.
    you must realize that your suicide attempts haven't happened because you are meant to be here..... you still have work to do here. don't give up on yourself..... you will get better !!!
    emoticon
    2792 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/30/2011 3:50:43 PM
  • ANNC16
    I echo the thoughts of everyone else here.

    I also understand what you say about people seeing you as the life and soul etc. When I was going through my divorce I was on anti depressants. I told my aunt and she said why ever for you're always happy. It's a front that we put on tomask the hurat and pain inside. I have been depressed on and off for years. Each time I feel low I fear that I'm heading in that direction again. I have been lucky recently.

    I only took an overdose of painkillers the once and I was violently sick, which put me off that. I have thought about it a few times, but there has always been something that has stopped me. Mainly thinking of all the people that I'd be leaving behind that I love dearly.

    Accept whatever help you are offered, and I sincerely hope that you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.
    2792 days ago
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