I can't say I wouldn't do it again.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I have written this blog 10-12 times over the last 2 days to try and make myself come to terms with my actions at the end of last week, and each time deleted it.
It has been to painful to accept my actions.
I find it hard to believe I tried this.
I feel somewhat ashamed of my actions.
I find my actions somewhat fascinating.
I and I alone know why I did what I did but, can't justify it.
I can totally justify it.
As you can see, I am again somewhat confused.
The reason for this is that I took an alcohol and sleeping tablet overdose to end it all last week.
OK, I'm still here, and all the reasons above are floating in my head, and to be honest I'm lost.
I am now being analyzed by a NHS "Crisis" suicide team of doctors to find the long term causes.
I know that the present problem that is looming isn't just what this is about, it's many years of failure.
I know, I know, I've had success here but, in life's game of achievement, I've lost the lot.
Bankruptcy, health, children, house, jobs, respect and more importantly the will to live.
I have been thinking of this for the past month now and even "opened" the tap on a spare line of my drip feed in hospital and watched fascinated, as my blood flowed freely onto the floor into a large puddle before someone stopped it.
Yes, I am scared of what I have become, and on reflection scared of my actions and the consequences but, I couldn't rule it out in the future. I feel so desperate.
I am sorry for being so Frank and what I think is honest about the situation but as I've said all along, I am trying to log this as a record for me to hopefully read and reread to help myself make sense of it all.
I am selfish for my actions, I know that much. I am selfish perhaps for writing this, but I need this, I know I really need this to be logged.