I can't say I wouldn't do it again.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I have written this blog 10-12 times over the last 2 days to try and make myself come to terms with my actions at the end of last week, and each time deleted it.
The reasons?
It has been to painful to accept my actions.
I find it hard to believe I tried this.
I feel somewhat ashamed of my actions.
I find my actions somewhat fascinating.
I and I alone know why I did what I did but, can't justify it.
I can totally justify it.

As you can see, I am again somewhat confused.

The reason for this is that I took an alcohol and sleeping tablet overdose to end it all last week.

OK, I'm still here, and all the reasons above are floating in my head, and to be honest I'm lost.
I am now being analyzed by a NHS "Crisis" suicide team of doctors to find the long term causes.
I know that the present problem that is looming isn't just what this is about, it's many years of failure.
I know, I know, I've had success here but, in life's game of achievement, I've lost the lot.
Bankruptcy, health, children, house, jobs, respect and more importantly the will to live.

I have been thinking of this for the past month now and even "opened" the tap on a spare line of my drip feed in hospital and watched fascinated, as my blood flowed freely onto the floor into a large puddle before someone stopped it.

Yes, I am scared of what I have become, and on reflection scared of my actions and the consequences but, I couldn't rule it out in the future. I feel so desperate.

I am sorry for being so Frank and what I think is honest about the situation but as I've said all along, I am trying to log this as a record for me to hopefully read and reread to help myself make sense of it all.

I am selfish for my actions, I know that much. I am selfish perhaps for writing this, but I need this, I know I really need this to be logged.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CATHRINE2010
    Wow! That's a lot. You need to put your trust in GOD. He and He alone is the only one who can save you. Accept the Lord and Savior and put Him in charge of your life. It is a gift from Him. Use it wisely. And I love you emoticon
    2916 days ago
    Its good to be selfish when you need to heal yourself - don't stop trying Chris.

    We've all failed with many important things in our lives but at the same time we've succeeded too.

    You've listed the things that went wrong - have you done the same with the things that went right?

    Take care

    M x
    2916 days ago
    Chris it's great to see that you're now getting the help you need. You must relax and accept that help. Things can get better amazingly quickly if you let them, the darkest hour always comes just before the dawn. Put your trust in the doc's and Clare, you're in good hands. Live for tomorrow, not yesterday. And read all the comments you've had sent to you, they're all positive. I think there are more people rooting for you than you realise.

    2917 days ago
    Open up to your loved ones and let the professionals help you. Everyone is worthy of life. Glad you are getting the help you need.
    2917 days ago
    Chris, really really glad you're still here to log all this and I'm even more glad that you are now receiving professional help.
    You are so important to so many people!
    Anita x
    2917 days ago
    Chris - I am so glad you are still here and are getting the help you desperately need. As the others have said - you really need to be honest and open with the health professionals and begin your recovery with Clare by your side. Thinking of you both and hoping you will work through the issues going through your mind - also that you will gain true peace of mind. emoticon emoticon
    2917 days ago
    Even though we have not met as yet, I am too am glad you are here, and share so many of your feelings myself.

    I am obese, have a number of serious medical problems ( sleep apnea, pressure, diabetes, insomnia ) have no health insurance, and want to be married and living in England yet I am still single and in NY, carrying on for years in this long distance love affair. I also do not have a job.

    So many days I wish I would just sleep and not wake up, but I suppose my job here on earth is not done and there is still hope for better days.

    Wishing you better days as well.

    Vickie xxx
    2917 days ago
    Best wishes with your treatment Chris -- we are rooting for you! Please don't ever believe you've "lost the lot" -- who knows what positive things could be in your future if you overcome this situation.


    2917 days ago
    chris, i was so happy to recieve your e-mail that you are still here. i was so afraid after reading your blog that that was what you were planning. i'm so glad someone was there for you and got you help.
    chris please open up to the team of doctors and share all your thought and feelings. they can help you to get better.

    you are such a kind wonderful person who has been such an inspiration and motivator to so many. you can look inside and see how we see you and know you are so worthy of a long life with claire and your furbabies. you can see out of the darkness and find the light with everyone's help.

    there are articles on sparks dealing with depression that may help you to read. i know there is always somone on here at all times you can write to when you are feeling down and need someone to talk to. you have lots of friends who care about you and are there for you.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2917 days ago
    Dear Chris, I am so glad you are still here! I can't bear the thought of losing you! You must be feeling really desperate to have done such a terrible thing! I have had times of feeling suicidal when I was going through divorce, but the children were around and that stopped me in my tracks! Think of Claire, she would be devastated! We all would!
    I hope the treatment works for you soon and that you get the help you need. All those things you mentioned are the lessons of life, they do not make you a failure! Think of how you built your life up again, that was success!! You have a wonderful partner in Claire and the boys to look after. I pray that you will be feeling better soon. You are in my thoughts a lot! Thank you for sharing!
    Love and hugs from Ellen xx
    2918 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/29/2011 5:17:19 PM
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