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strange day

Thursday, March 24, 2011

I have always made myself get more stressed than necessary. It is a family thing. We all imagine the worst case scenarios so we can be prepared. I find it so annoying. Work started early for me as usual. Such a busy week and tomorrow I have the big meeting and have to go on a site visit with a client so I will have very little time in the office. My bosses came in early, rare for her but not him, and had a meeting about me. I know this because he called and asked me to email him another copy of my self evaluation. I put a lot of careful thought into my answers and I stand behind all of it.
It was interesting because I was fully expecting to get fired but I don't think so anymore. When I came in this morning she boss had left my password to my computer on a post it on my desk and it had upset me. I know it is her computer and she can do as she pleases but I don't like that kind of general distrust. I did not mention it to her or any of my coworkers because it would not be professional but it did upset me. One of my sparkfriends pointed out that if she has to look that hard for things to criticize me about than I am doing ok and I think that is a good way to look at it.
No I do not think she reads my blogs and I am not worried about it. I know she does not know about sparkpeople or my blog. Certainly not my screenname. I am going to continue to be open about my life without fear. Fear kept me trapped for so long and I am done living that way.
Back to my point. Well she was her typical strange self all day but my guy boss was all over me about my clients and asking me about events he wants to book for the summer and wanting me to call them etc. Not fishing for info. More so just trying to get business. If I was being terminated he would have just ignored me and had someone call my clients on Monday.
The HR lady was off today and we are buddies. She texted me and told me if I was being fired she would already have been told so I needed to settle down and get a good nights sleep tonight. She did not feel this meeting was any different than any other standard review. I am going to try and take it all at face value and relax. Relaxing is hard for me. REALLY HARD.
KARVY09 wrote a good blog today, I am too lazy to post the link, about dreaming big and fearing success etc. It hit home for me. I have always wanted a bigger life. Never happy to be ordinary. Ordinary scares me honestly. I have always wanted adventure and to live a life by my rules. This whole thing has made me realize I am not a corporate type. I need to get out. This is not about my bosses, they are not all bad, just can be very difficult. This is about my general misery with being chained to a desk and feeling unfulfilled. It is time to branch out.
I don't know how to become a paid writer and this would be my dream job. It is so many people's dream job. How do I stand out? How do I get paid to do it? I know how to open a restaurant, I just need to raise the capital. Many people start very small. My bosses now started as a tiny café with 3 employees. I will make these things my reality. Baby steps.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You GO, Girlfriend!
    3219 days ago
  • BETHV10
    With the determination you have shown on losing weight, there is no doubt in my mind that you can become a writer as well. emoticon
    3220 days ago
    Thats right baby steps Ashley. You will do it. Sitting here going crazy what happened Friday. Seems weird she went into your computer. How stupid she was to leave that posted note. Some of it reads like they are building a case to fire you, sorry I'm a worrier also, and have you call your client's to get a feel for any upcoming business than it would be easier for someone else to call as you already broke the ice or then it makes me think in a more positive way. Maybe they check everyones computers and you just didn't know, maybe they are considering giving you some bigger accounts and want to know how busy you already are this summer. Maybe have you take on an intern or head a new team?
    3220 days ago
    Sounds like you need a trip to the bood store and do some research on how to relax and meditate. Your too young to take your body through ssoo much stress and learning how to relax and clear your mind is so important. Then the issues that your bosses blow up will roll off your back. You are a valuable employee. They may be dumb but they aren't stupid or they wouldn't be where they are today. To lose you would be like losing a huge assest to their company. Grow confident in your abilities because I can tell from your blogs that you are completely and totally emoticon !!!! And that's no B.S.!!!!
    3220 days ago
    Ordinary scares me too! You can do anything love. Glad you are letting the stress go.
    3220 days ago
    Baby steps indeed. Your weight loss happened thru incremental steps. But the thing is you stuck with it and kept your eyes on the overall prize. Now 90+ lbs later you're basking in the fruits of your hard labor. You have an idea and you can bring it to fruition. You're a dedicated person, as evidenced by losing 90 lbs, joining a gym and sticking with it. Go out there and claim your world!
    3220 days ago
    I'm so sorry work is so rough. I wish I had some great advice about how to handle it, but if I knew I would do it myself. In trying to handle my own work stress I had to decide that I won't judge my success by management. Their priorities are messed up and I have also achieved things that they cannot. I'm proud of how I have handled some horrible parts of my life and grown as a person. I also have a wonderful husband and daughter. This is worth more than anything management may think is important. Good Luck!
    3220 days ago
    Ashley: get online with your local Small Business Administration Office and start a small business plan... there are also special loans available for 'minority and women owned businesses' if your plan is solid you should qualify for a start up loan. Everything is possible... and I am sure you would make some healthful and creative meals... we would all have to come to try!

    Keep your chin up, I find I get down about my job/everything in the spring and fall, in the summer i tend to put-up and shut-up more!

    Everything will work out for you..... emoticon it just takes time!!
    3221 days ago
    I get very tense too. Whenever I have a doctor's appointment, or if someone's told me bad news, I'm up all night. I hope your bosses lose interest in harassing you, and move onto other things soon. Good luck with everything!
    3221 days ago
    Ashley, your comment at the very end of your blog caught want to open a restaurant but just need to raise the capital. You have done SO well with your weight loss...YOU CAN DO ANYTHING! I recently started using some of the tools in the Sparkpeople Financial Fitness Center...the budget form includes a line for SAVINGS! (I'm saving for a tummy tuck emoticon ). Interestingly enough, writing down everything you spend helps you be aware of what you spend and so you spend less, just like writing down everything you eat makes you aware of what you eat and so you eat less.
    3221 days ago
    Baby steps is something my hubby has always told me too! It may be hard right now not to take that leap, but in the end it pays off more. You are great and brave woman who I am inspired by everyday. Ash Thank you for being you! Have a great Friday and super awesome weekend!
    3221 days ago
    Just like with everything else in life - small steps lead to huge adventures. I am sure you can accomplish your DREAMS! I hope today goes well and you enjoy your weekend!
    3221 days ago
    If your guy boss is talking about stuff coming up in the summer, he is not thinking of firing you. Why discuss future plans if that's the case?

    I too am a worrier. I have been making a a concentrated effort to try and relax a bit.

    Good luck with branching out. Being a writer would be fabulous! You can make your own hours, work where you like, and have no boss!
    3221 days ago
    It's good to have friends in HR. Trust me.
    3221 days ago
    Interesting about the bosses. Even more interesting that you have desires to be a writer. For starters, You can write some articles and submit them to some different magazines, papers, etc. My sister-in-law got her break that way, and has done well.
    Go For It!
    3221 days ago
    I'm right there with you on the dream of being a paid writer! I'm not being paid (yet) but I'm getting the chance to try it out and it's being received very well so far. Stepping out on faith and chasing dreams is scary, but to me worth the risk.
    3221 days ago
    Ashley, I'm glad that your day was better than you expected it to be and I admire your determination to do better for yourself and keep pursuing your dream. Best of luck!
    3221 days ago
    Good Luck stay Positive
    3222 days ago
    emoticon Stress is always an interference in every day life. Greatness and joy is never the destination but the road along the way. This is not meant to belittle your stress but encourage you in the outcome. There are a lot of Spark people who are there for you to offer comfort no matter what. You are truly blessed. My prayers are there for you. Keep smiling sunshine. emoticon
    3222 days ago
    I admire you brave heart Ashley!
    3222 days ago
  • ROCKMAN6797
    Sounds like you did alot of deep thinking today, that is good. I love how you ended your blog, the baby steps ideas applied to all of life. Set a goal, have a plan, and work toward accomplishing that goal, no matter how long it takes. It will be there waiting for you. I hope you meeting tomorrow is a productive meeting. I will keep my fingers crossed!
    3222 days ago
    I learned that I believed one should keep a "good" job and because of this belief I would take little things and blow them out of proportion so that others around me (like my folks) would understand when I quit that "good" job. I finally realized that I don't need anyone's permission to change jobs.. there is no perfect reason.. if I don't like it? I can quit.. HA.. take that! It really freed me up... weird eh? The beliefs we hold that are just so silly in hindsight. (I am not saying that you're doing any of this but for some reason your blog just made me think about that period in my life.)

    I LOVE your dreams and totally think it's awesome to pursue them.. if you want something bad enough... and are willing to work hard for it.. you can achieve it.. YOU can achieve it!! A cafe owner.. a writer.. whatever.. you can do it!!
    3222 days ago
    Bravo! Keep your dreams alive and baby step your way to success.

    I know just how you feel about being chained to a desk. It is one of the major reasons I started getting fit. I'd tell co-workers. "this job is killing me!" when they asked why I decided to commit to losing weight.

    I can only imagine the same is possible with starting your own company. but it is a lot scarier to me. Fail at a diet and you just stay fat. Fail at your business and you might not have money to put food on the table. Ouch! Just gotta take that leap of faith I guess. And I should take my own advise and start working on my own side business. Professional Organization Services.

    Many hugs!
    3222 days ago
    What your HR friend says makes sense.

    I agree, focus on what you enjoy about your job, at least for now--you have a lot to offer so even in corporate America you aren't ordinary. You might even surprise yourself.
    3222 days ago
    I don't always comment on your blogs, but I read them often (if not all of them).

    I agree with what the HR lady said and with your observation. If you were getting let go she would have known and you would not be given more tasks to complete.

    Try to let go of other people's views and shine as you know you can. In your prior blog you were so excited about landing the big event. Focus on that and let your creativity shine.

    I am sure it will be spectacular.
    3222 days ago
    Good for you Ashley,

    Good for you for staying positive during these trying times. It just sounds like it's time to move and and you definitely know it.
    I hope you are able to write (which you are very good at) and start a restaurant business. It's time now to seize all of your dreams and make them come true.

    3222 days ago
  • KAZ814
    Being scared and worrying can be two of the most encumbering things, I think. I've spent a great deal of time being scared and worrying, too, and I know that I'm a much happier person when I don't allow my worry/fear to hold me back.

    If you want to be a paid writer, try googling about it. I googled a few years ago and there were some freelance jobs here and there available. You could try looking for something like that to start with. If you're more into fiction, write a story and submit it an online 'zine or a specific competition. And you're right - baby steps are the way to start out. That way you build on a good foundation! (Just like here at Spark!)


    3222 days ago
    Just as with your health journey, these other challenges in life take a lot of the same mindset. Set goals, establish a timeline, research, and then - as you said - take baby steps towards your goal! Sometimes you may need to pause and re-evaluate (plateau) or you may need to tweak your plan to fight boredom, or you might find that you like certain things, more than others and so you work to find ways to incorporate the good stuff more often. :-)

    You've done this all so far, so in my eyes - there's nothin' stopping you! Good luck tomorrow!!!!
    3222 days ago
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