I seriously need some help
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
What the heck am I doing?! I have been slipping majorly on the exercise front since February and I just feel like I'm never going to get my motivation back.
I started going to the gym when I moved home in May of 2010. I figured if I wasn't working, I'd be working out. I got truly invested when I switched to a new personal trainer in July. I struggled so much with not moving the scale and wasn't seeing the changes to my body...I was getting into smaller sizes in tops and slightly smaller sizes in bottoms (at least in workout clothes).
The first real sense of accomplishment for all my hard work was when I saw photos from July compared to photos taken in December. I was so completely taken aback and was upset with myself (not for long though) for complaining so much about my lack of progress. I feel like if I had "seen" results a lot sooner, I really would have been more invested.
Until January of this year, I was working out all the time because I had nothing better to do. In February, I realized that it's my own fault for not "having things to do". So I joined a dating website and I also joined a few groups on Meetup. I started having a social life and my exercise devotion has slowly been slipping away.
I am proud of the fact that I have been tracking my food intake every day and there have only been a handful of days that I didn't track accurately because I consumed so much food that I didn't know how to track it all. These days were far and few between. I have managed to stay between 224-226 for the last 3 months, just by "dieting" alone since exercise has been reduced to 3x a week and sometimes not at all.
I just feel like my reasons for working out have changed. I was doing it to get healthy but more to just have something to do. I feel like I have a more active social life now and that I don't "need" to go to the gym for that social escape any more.
I have been looking for a job since September but have really focused on it more this year. I've been taking courses through the unemployment office to boost my resume, interview skills and other essentials to getting a job and living an unemployed life. I had an interview yesterday for a job I knew I wasn't going to get. I did end up signing up to be a volunteer in the office however. I'll be mostly doing this on Thursdays and some Fridays. It's office work (putting together packets, filing, phone work) but it's my foot in the door to a job with this agency. I don't know how long I'll be able to volunteer because my goal is not to work for free. I want to work for them, but will be applying to any job anywhere in the state that I feel I'm qualified for.
I have anxiety over this because I know I won't be volunteering for long and will have to "drop" them once I get a full time job somewhere. I will have to make sure that when I do start volunteering, that they are aware of this. I will give them 2 weeks notice when I do find a job and hopefully that will allow me to leave on good terms.
I'm feeling dejected and totally feeling like I just can't do this any more. I love to strength train but I can't even bring myself to the gym to do even that. I find when I am going to the gym, I am doing just cardio (which I HATE) and not doing what I love because I feel like the cardio is better for me than the ST. It's like I'm punishing myself. The last few weeks I've managed to get to the gym on the first 2 days of the week and then I don't go at all the rest of the week.
I need my Sparkies to help me figure out how I can find a new passion for the gym. I feel burned out from it in the last 8 months and I just want to give it up completely.