Recognizing What's Not Working
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
What a fast-paced couple of weeks!
I knew something was going to give eventually, and it happened yesterday: meltdown. Early in the morning, I couldn't get myself out of bed (not enough sleep). When I did finally get out of bed, I had a rushed workout, wound up late to work (which is a problem since I teach a college class and was underprepared), had several errands to do after work, and then chores at home before any sign of rest. Whew.
It's not simply the fast pace and lack of any real significant rest that caused the meltdown. When I'm booked down to the hour, when I'm bouncing from one obligation to the next, then I 1) seem to be perpetually late. It doesn't matter how punctual I am or set out to be, I'm late everywhere I go. And 2) I feel like I'm not giving my best to anything I'm doing. This sucks any way you slice it, but as a perfectionist, it's got an extra layer of oomf behind it! I started the day feeling so sad yesterday, mostly because I knew I was getting a late start and would consequently struggle all day.
I'm eternally grateful for a good partnership. Sensing I was well over the edge, Dan stepped up and took the reigns, taking charge on the chores, starting dinner up for me, encouraging me to do whatever I needed to do to take care of myself--and I did. My self-care amounted to some pretty simple things, but having the time and space to do them restored a little balance to my life. Thank goodness for a good partner!
There are a few aspects of my life that just aren't working for me right now. Two years ago, even just 18 months ago, this statement was true about almost all facets of my life. It is because I made the committment to change this that my tolerance is so low for the things not working for me presently. I'm simply not willing to live a life that keeps me feeling frantic, failing, flailing, and rushed. There are some changes around the corner: for instance, I've made the decision to opt out of my doctorate program and leave the college with a second masters instead; I've decided, at least for now, not to return to teaching in the traditional sense. But for the next 6 weeks, I need to finish what I've started and keep my head above water as I see this through.
I'd love to be present here on sparkpeople more--present to my friends and myself in a much fuller way--but for right now, sparkpeople is one of those things that is taking a back seat while I'm in this particular phase. Know that I'm thinking of you all, sparkfriends, and look forward to catching up on all that I'm missing in your lives as soon as this current phase of things comes to a close and the next, exciting phase of things begins. Big plans coming down the pike, and I'm very excited about them!
P.S.--One place I have NOT given less than 100% is in my training--which is going great. I train about 2 hours a day, and I'm starting to feel genuinely prepared and excited for the physical part of these upcoming triathlons. It's really exciting! I can't wait to share more about it!