Getting a break.
Friday, March 18, 2011
It's Friday, and as yet as I write this blog, there seems to be no post today.
I have promised myself since 3 weeks back when I first learnt of my impending problem that any "official" mail delivered on Saturday will not be opened until the following Monday.
The reason for this is that if I don't know what the mail contains then I can't worry about it and with the offices shut until then, can't do anything about it either, which will lead to more anxiety.
I at the moment have an unhealthy outlook on the postman, but when he has been and no "bad" news is delivered, then I can relax a little again.
My head won't stop spinning, every moment is consumed with the problem, and am forever feeling sick to the bottom of my stomach which has lead to vomiting at times.
Many unhealthy ideas have been thought through in my head also during this time, which I toyed with back in the late '90's. Coupled with what Clare has told me about my character over the last 7 years, my personality has been somewhat Manic.
I have researched on here as well as other sites, and we have mentioned to my GP that I "may" have Bipolar disorder.
When I used to be around people, I would be the "life and soul" of any party.
I would through myself into any project, including work, gym, DIY, anything.
I would go without sleep with a enpassioned drive for success, which usually was mediocre at best as the final result.
Then, I have vast mood swings, which sometimes I have no memory of. NO VIOLENCE. But argumentative and loud. It would seem threatening and abusive. Very child like even.
I know that I go into low moods on a regular basis that can lasts for weeks, and sometimes Clare during these times has stayed away at her Daughters. She has never left me, she would just leave me to shout at the walls.
I will end this today by saying that I have just got to see what the postman brings tomorrow (if anything, hopefully). If there is nothing, then I will be getting a 48 hour break where I can relax. 48 hours to feel safe where no one can contact me or make me feel threatened.
I really need this time.
I could go on, but am getting quite emotional now as I write this blog, and so will stop at that.
I am trying to be truthful and honest to myself by doing this.
I am eternally grateful and thankful for all of your kind comments and advice. You are such wonderful people.