Getting a break.

Friday, March 18, 2011

It's Friday, and as yet as I write this blog, there seems to be no post today.
I have promised myself since 3 weeks back when I first learnt of my impending problem that any "official" mail delivered on Saturday will not be opened until the following Monday.
The reason for this is that if I don't know what the mail contains then I can't worry about it and with the offices shut until then, can't do anything about it either, which will lead to more anxiety.
I at the moment have an unhealthy outlook on the postman, but when he has been and no "bad" news is delivered, then I can relax a little again.

My head won't stop spinning, every moment is consumed with the problem, and am forever feeling sick to the bottom of my stomach which has lead to vomiting at times.

Many unhealthy ideas have been thought through in my head also during this time, which I toyed with back in the late '90's. Coupled with what Clare has told me about my character over the last 7 years, my personality has been somewhat Manic.
I have researched on here as well as other sites, and we have mentioned to my GP that I "may" have Bipolar disorder.

When I used to be around people, I would be the "life and soul" of any party.
I would through myself into any project, including work, gym, DIY, anything.
I would go without sleep with a enpassioned drive for success, which usually was mediocre at best as the final result.

Then, I have vast mood swings, which sometimes I have no memory of. NO VIOLENCE. But argumentative and loud. It would seem threatening and abusive. Very child like even.
I know that I go into low moods on a regular basis that can lasts for weeks, and sometimes Clare during these times has stayed away at her Daughters. She has never left me, she would just leave me to shout at the walls.

I will end this today by saying that I have just got to see what the postman brings tomorrow (if anything, hopefully). If there is nothing, then I will be getting a 48 hour break where I can relax. 48 hours to feel safe where no one can contact me or make me feel threatened.
I really need this time.

I could go on, but am getting quite emotional now as I write this blog, and so will stop at that.
I am trying to be truthful and honest to myself by doing this.
I am eternally grateful and thankful for all of your kind comments and advice. You are such wonderful people.

Thank you.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You have taken the first step by revealing your problem. I hope you soon get the help you need from the Dr. Hope the time alone helps! There is nothing to be ashamed of. You WILL get better with the right medication. Hope you get some good news soon!
    2925 days ago
    Hi Chris,
    I haven't been on Sparks much this week, so had not seen all your recent blogs. Just want to join with others to let you know we are supporting you as you try to overcome the physical and emotional things you are dealing with. I wish you a relaxing weekend, and that next week will bring better news.

    2926 days ago
    Not sure if you have this where you live, Chris but have you heard of the IAPT service - free help for those with depression and\or anxiety - you can self-refer and it's free. Inbox me if you want more info. You can beat this, stay strong.
    2926 days ago
  • ANNC16
    I agree with everyone else Chris.You need to get a professional opinion on theis,and not just a GP, they are not specialised enough.

    Hoping that the weekend brings some relief.
    2926 days ago
  • ERIN4771
    i would have to agree with the others, time to get a second opinion. also, the internet has soooo much information on it, it's too overwhelming, and coupled with self diagnosing, it can be disastrous....the manic part i can understand, i had a friend that was bipolar, and took lithium, and when he was taking it, he was full of life, and when he didn't, it was tough to see....i hope your letter brings you good news my friend, i hate to hear of you bring this way.....
    2926 days ago
    I think that maybe you need to get another opinion. You can't stay in this emotional limbo. I agree with Brandi1809. You and Clare need support. There is so much information out there in the world wide web. I have problems trying to absorb it all.
    Hang in there! Will be thinking of you over the weekend.
    2926 days ago
  • BRANDI1809
    Has your GP been able to help you at all Chris, if not, is it worth seeking another Professionals advice?
    I often think that there is too much information available for us to read these days and not necessarily understand or get in the right context. We can often 'read' a lot more into this sort of information than perhaps we should.
    You and Clare need to get the support and help of people who can begin to make sense of it all for you.
    It is possible that the prescriptions you are taking at the moment are also making you feel the way you do.
    I hope that you are able to relax a bit over the weekend and that whatever it is that you are dreading, turns out to be not as bad as you think.
    2927 days ago
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