ZWIELICHT

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So I'm not actually dead..

Friday, March 18, 2011

I have fallen into the time sucking, black whole of daily life with a pinch of stress that comes with all the comings and goings of regular and unstopping errands.

I'm still belly dancing but that is about all the exercise I'm accomplishing at the moment.
I have stopped tracking my food but I'm ready to get back on that horse.

One neat thing is I have bought a BodyMedia Fit and it's a really amazing little gadget. I love to be able to see how many calories I burn, even if I'm just sitting on the couch.

I've been sort of down about the whole belly dancing thing. Not to toot my own horn but I am one of the more experienced dancers in the troupe and I understand the techniques very well; However, I'm also the largest girl in the group by far.
Wednesday night we all went to dance at a local Moroccan restaurant for our monthly public get together. My dress was flawless yet I felt like a joke.
I've been insecure about my size lately, especially around these girls, with the amount of skin I'm showing.
People watch me, they clap, they take pictures and smile and all I can think about is, "Am I there American joke? Do they encourage me on for their own little laugh?" I can't understand half of what they say, they're never rude, but the horrible feeling is still there.

I will keep going to class and keep dancing at Casa Blanca. They are possibly dancing the 31st of this month on base and I'm fairly sure I won't have the balls to do that. Dancing around Americans, and ones I possibly see on a normal basis while my gut hangs well over my belt? No, this sounds like torture.

I made an appoint with my GP to talk to him about a few things, one of them asking to get referred to a nutritionist.
I have bad knees, and with that bad hips. I understand that exercise, especially working your quads, helps this and have been doing physical therapy for a year (at home) and it's gotten a lot better. Lately, though, my fingers and the outer part of my elbows have been hurting, sore or stiff and it has started to concern me since I have both osteo and rheumatoid arthritis in my family and no thirty year old should be having these issues on a whim.
His answer to my concern, "lose fifty pounds".
Once I brushed my shoulders off and lifted my chin I reminded that my weight has nothing to do with my fingers or elbows and that seemed to jar some iota of medical knowledge this doctor will less then a good bed side manner had so he ordered blood work.

I'm glad he's actually looking into it but the focus on my weight and how he put was like a slap to the face.

Sad Zwie is sad and fifty pounds is fifty pounds.

Sigh.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • GTANYA
    Hang in there. Continue belly dancing. Go on the American Dietitic Association if you want to see a dietician to help you out. DON'T GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!! You have made progress and you are IMPORTANT. Keep tracking and keep moving. if you physician tells you lose 50 lbs ask back, what do you mean by that? Let him explain his comments. If you do have arthritis in your family, get it checked out and make sure you control for that.

    Hang in there!!!!!!!!!! Come back and tell us how you are doing!!!!
    Tanya

    3654 days ago
  • AGARRETT
    Keep on doing what you love and don't let anyone take that away from you! Keep you head up and shake what your momma gave you! emoticon
    3663 days ago
  • MISSYMOOSE71
    Don't let the voices in your head ruin what you've got going. Keep it up if you love it. I saw a nutritionist a few years ago & she was a great help. I highly recommend it.
    3677 days ago
  • TBID227
    You are awesome! Go on, reapeat that to yourself! I guess I don't really think too much on what other people think when I am doing something, especially when it is something they probably cannot! I also think that maybe you should find that doctor that will work with you. We all know we need to lose weight, but for those of us with chronic conditions, the weight coming off will not miraculously heal us. Most of us will still have that chronic condition. And we need to not only learn to live with it, but to manage it. Find a doc that will help you do that, with or without the weight. I hope you find a great nutritionist. A friend of mine has lost lots of weight using one!
    Get out there and belly dance! It is what you love and it should make you feel like the special and talented person you are!
    3679 days ago
  • PINKBEANBOO
    Awe, chin up, brush off your shoulders. Do some things that make you feel good (so don't stop belly dancing!) & have fun. You seem sad & I don't like that.
    emoticon
    3679 days ago
  • ARTEMIS0421
    Aww hun, I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I know it's hard when life gives you slap after slap in the face. It sucks!

    One thing I do want to say is: what happened to that girl who was encouraging me to go on and start belly dancing despite my huge ugly belly? Remember what you said to me that time? how about applying it now for yourself? I still admire you very much for what you do and I haven't been able to start taking belly dancing classes (but it's about money right now) but thanks to you I'm not so afraid to try it even though I'm far from being skinny! I even bought myself a hip scarf so I can start practicing at home before I can take classes! =)

    I know you're going through a lot of things right now but try to dig a little deeper and find that girl who doesn't care about weight and does what she loves to do, belly dancing! If dancing is what makes you happy then don't let anything get in the way of you being the best dancer you can be and enjoy every minute of it as if it was the last time you were dancing.

    Take it slowly and take care of all your problems one at a time and in due time. For now, don't put yourself down. You're an amazing person and no matter how many mistakes or problems come your way, you're still as strong and amazing as before.

    And don't forget we're all here to cheer you on and to "hear" you vent whenever you feel like it. Support and encouragement are easy to find around here! hehe

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Take care,

    Erika.
    3679 days ago
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