So I'm not actually dead..
Friday, March 18, 2011
I have fallen into the time sucking, black whole of daily life with a pinch of stress that comes with all the comings and goings of regular and unstopping errands.
I'm still belly dancing but that is about all the exercise I'm accomplishing at the moment.
I have stopped tracking my food but I'm ready to get back on that horse.
One neat thing is I have bought a BodyMedia Fit and it's a really amazing little gadget. I love to be able to see how many calories I burn, even if I'm just sitting on the couch.
I've been sort of down about the whole belly dancing thing. Not to toot my own horn but I am one of the more experienced dancers in the troupe and I understand the techniques very well; However, I'm also the largest girl in the group by far.
Wednesday night we all went to dance at a local Moroccan restaurant for our monthly public get together. My dress was flawless yet I felt like a joke.
I've been insecure about my size lately, especially around these girls, with the amount of skin I'm showing.
People watch me, they clap, they take pictures and smile and all I can think about is, "Am I there American joke? Do they encourage me on for their own little laugh?" I can't understand half of what they say, they're never rude, but the horrible feeling is still there.
I will keep going to class and keep dancing at Casa Blanca. They are possibly dancing the 31st of this month on base and I'm fairly sure I won't have the balls to do that. Dancing around Americans, and ones I possibly see on a normal basis while my gut hangs well over my belt? No, this sounds like torture.
I made an appoint with my GP to talk to him about a few things, one of them asking to get referred to a nutritionist.
I have bad knees, and with that bad hips. I understand that exercise, especially working your quads, helps this and have been doing physical therapy for a year (at home) and it's gotten a lot better. Lately, though, my fingers and the outer part of my elbows have been hurting, sore or stiff and it has started to concern me since I have both osteo and rheumatoid arthritis in my family and no thirty year old should be having these issues on a whim.
His answer to my concern, "lose fifty pounds".
Once I brushed my shoulders off and lifted my chin I reminded that my weight has nothing to do with my fingers or elbows and that seemed to jar some iota of medical knowledge this doctor will less then a good bed side manner had so he ordered blood work.
I'm glad he's actually looking into it but the focus on my weight and how he put was like a slap to the face.
Sad Zwie is sad and fifty pounds is fifty pounds.