I don't want to be seen weak.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my blog yesterday, your words were really appreciated.
I have not been to the gym for 20 days now, and my fitness revolves around walking the dogs (although I I haven't done this a week now owing to my fear of being outdoors, and so Clare does this for the time being.) and also what Wii fit when I feel like doing it. I don't feel like it anytime, but I do do a small amount of time each day. I just feel my body is slipping, and that depresses me, as my eating, although not too bad, isn't the best I could be doing for myself.

I still have a long wait for the outcome of my problem to reveal itself, and I know that I can't continue to live my life this way. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be seen weak. But, at the moment, it's taking all my strength just to get out of bed and hold myself together.
I have many moments in tears, and many more moments wondering whatever happened to my life.
I am really in fear of what will happen and the consequences of what time will reveal.

I really don't want to make people tired by reading something so bleak and black, but as I said yesterday, this is purely a diary to myself really, so yet again, sorry to you as the reader.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are not weak, this is your blog and you can write in it whenever and whatever you like. Do whatever it is you need to do to help yourself. We will all help you too.
    2956 days ago
    Writing a diary is the best thing to do Chris! You will be able to look back at it and gradually see an improvement. You will have good days and bad days. Let it all out. I really feel for you! The crying is good to relieve stress! Believe me, I don't see you as weak! You are one of the strongest people I know. You have helped so many of us! You have come such a long way on your journey! Exercise when you can and don't beat yourself up about it when you can't! Hope you will soon be taking the boys out again! You will when you are ready! Are you still working? You have not mentioned that.
    Thinking of you!
    Ellen xx
    2957 days ago
  • LINEY223
    Do you think it is people "in the outside world" who are causing you to feel panicked Chris or being outside?

    If it is the thought of meeting people ( I had exactly this and would have panic attacks at the door for weeks), how about standing in your garden or just outside your front door - maybe even late in the evening where you are unlikely to see anyone?. Don't go far - just a step out the door/ or even inside with the door open and breathe until your panic feelings pass.

    If it is people who are causing you stress, can you feel that you could invite 1 close friend to come to you and sit and chat normally to you- bout the weather, their day, a book or film ANYTHING to get you comfortable in their presence.

    There is no way anyone will see you as weak! You have a heart like a lion and a spirit stronger than rock!

    2957 days ago
  • ANNC16
    Nobody sees you as weak, that I can assure you. Depression is an illness as real as your heart problems, I have been there several times, I have also experienced loved ones with it. As a sufferer you feel useless, also as an onlooker you feel useless to be able to help.

    Take whatever help is offered, from wherever it is offered from.

    You can get through this, it just may not seem like it at the moment. Keep taking one day at a time, just like with your weight reduction journey, one small step at a time.
    2957 days ago
  • JESS0107
    You are not weak! You are strong. Look were you have came from! That takes a lot of strength! Keep your head high and I will continue to pray for you!
    2957 days ago
  • TMW54812
    "This too, shall pass" my friend. Until it does, I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. You have been such an inspiration to so many, please continue to reach out and share this difficult time so you can draw strength and hope from the many people who have enjoyed your friendship.

    All the Best,

    2957 days ago
    As Erin says emoticon we're always here for you so rant away if it helps. (Oh and by the way its been more than 20 days since I went near a gym!!)
    2958 days ago
  • ERIN4771
    2958 days ago
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