Pretty desperate.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I am not looking for sympathy, nor trying to seek attention, but I feel I must write this as a diary to possibly help me look back maybe to help answer some of my own problems.
Please don't think that by not being accepted for "The Biggest Loser" that this is the reason.
In some ways, it was a relief not to be accepted as at the moment I don't want to be seen in public too much and fear that I'm becoming Agoraphobic.
I can't sleep at night and am now on 20mg of Temazepam. I am also on anti depressants now, and my problems just seem to be getting larger and larger all of the time.
I still don't know of the outcome of what I spoke about here 10 days or so back and it looks like this will continue for a few months more.
I was taken into Hospital on Monday afternoon by Ambulance during a visit to the Doctor after complaining of repeated chest pain and the tests proved that nothing was untoward regarding my 2 heart conditions and therefore was put down to stress and anxiety.
I was told that if I have any pain what so ever, I am to call the ambulance service, but the problem is that I suffer these pains quite frequently of late and will be seen as wasting the hospitals time.
I am so scared and afraid at the moment and don't know how to cope, and also fear that I am grinding Clare down with all of what's happening, as she is the only one who knows my whole story.
Please don't be alarmed, I haven't committed murder or anything of that order, but it is something that has arisen from my illness and a possible mental issue that has caused questions to be asked and it's making me feel ill.
I'm sorry to have put this down as to how I feel, but I am at the moment feeling pretty desperate, and I just needed to log my feelings as I've mentioned for future self analysis.
As I have said, I am not looking for sympathy, I just needed to write how I feel.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hey Chris, I just read this - I am so sorry you are suffering. I suffer with Anxiety too and had some CBT to help fight it, if you want any help or just someone to talk to, please please inbox me. You are not alone.
    2894 days ago
  • OPHELIA105

    Chris - There is nothing else I can add that hasn't already been said by these fabulous, caring and wonderful people.

    Hang in there


    2895 days ago
  • BRANDI1809
    All that needs to be said has already been said by all your friends here Chris. All that I can do is to agree with them all. Thankfully I've never suffered with heart or depression problems so I can only go from what some very close friends have gone through. Yes they, like several of the people who have commented here, have gone through what you are experiencing and have come out the other side. It will take a long time but with Clare's help and devotion, the Doctors care and with councilling, YOU WILL also eventually get through this.
    Don't shut Clare out, she has been with you throughout the good & bad times and she loves you, because you are who you are.
    I hope you take up all the help that is offered to you, you cannot do this alone.
    AND, do as the Doctor says, if you get pains, call the Ambulance!
    2895 days ago
  • LINEY223
    Chris you will not be wasting the hospital's time - Your doctor has told you to go so he is an expert and knows best this time.

    Far better to go in early and see someone early rather than wait and have more complications or dangerous outcomes because you waited hours or days. DON'T DO THAT.

    I totally agree about trying to get someone independant that you can talk to - maybe you and claire could go to someone to talk things through.

    I suffered severe depression for many years including being suicidal and self harming ( I know realise my binge eating was a form of self harm but didn't get that at the time).
    If I hadn't gone to years of counselling/ therapy I'd be dead by now.
    It gave me space to tell all the things I was afraid of and didn't dare tell anyone else.
    It allowed ( sometimes) my mum and dad to tell me things they were scared to say in case I blew up on them.

    The tablets are a safety net to stop you being overwhelmed by the feelings depression brings. They just re-alter the wrong chemicals in your brain to balance them out with the right ones.

    I think blogging or writing things down is a great idea to release pent up emotions or concerns.
    Blog on here if you feel like it or just write on a sheet of paper to keep or to shred if you don't want anyone to see it - it still helps to get it out of your mind.

    You know that if there is anything we can do from here, your friends on here will help.
    You are respected, admired, cared for and supported. All we give though is nothing to the love and care and devotion Claire will have for you. Don't shut her out - share your fears and feelings and hear what she has to say. It won't be anywhere near as bad as you dread I guarantee it.

    XX and hugs.

    2896 days ago
    You should not feel sorry to write this blog Chris! It's good to get it off your chest and share with friends! We are all here for you! A listening ear! I have had depression when Adrian was working in London and had nobody to turn to. I could not share it with my daughter as she was too busy. You are lucky to have Claire! Put your trust in her and she will come through for you! When Adrian eventually realised what was going on with me, I got the help I needed. The medication helped, but be prepared, it may take a long time. The pains in your chest sound like panic attacks! But it is best to get it checked out. I too, did not want to go out or be seen by anybody and I was unable even to answer the phone. I found it difficult to talk to people too. It will get better! Thinking of you! emoticon
    Ellen xx
    2896 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/16/2011 5:21:30 PM
    Allowing your feelings to have a voice can only be a good thing, it will help to give you the inner strength you need to regain control.

    Lots of good advice and support. Wishing you well and keep on adding to your Diary.

    M x
    2896 days ago
  • ANNC16
    It's difficult to make the call as to whether or not to go to the hospital sometimes, but I'm quite sure that, with your health history, they won't think that you are wasting their time in the slightest. It is far better to get it checked out than to ignore it and then the worst happens.

    I'm quite sure that Claire would rather you share these things with her than bottle it up and then she thinks that there is something wrong between the 2 of you, I know that I most certainly would.

    Has anyone suggested you see a counsellor or someone specialising in cognitive behavioural therapy. It helped me with anxiety related problems a few years ago.

    Writing it all down certainly helps, it feels somehow as if sharing make it less of a threat, if that makes sense?

    Well, you know where I am if you need anything CHris. We are all here for you, whatever, and whenever you need us.
    2896 days ago
  • JESS0107
    Don't be sorry for writing anything down. I will help pray that the doctors can find what is wrong so you can find peace!
    2896 days ago
    I think writing is sometimes the best "therapy".

    My Mom died last February and I created a blog where I could "talk" to her.

    No one but my husband even knows about the blog but it helps to get it out there.

    So, I would say, "continue writing" and whatever helps you!

    I will be praying for you!

    God Bless!
    2896 days ago
    Wish I could come and give you a big hug. Sending happy thoughts to both you and Clare. emoticon emoticon
    2896 days ago
    Thinking of you and clare emoticon
    2896 days ago
  • ERIN4771
    chris never apologize for being human. all you need to do right now is focus on getting your health back, and i would encourage you to continue to write out what you're feeling, if it is helping you, don't question it. as for clare....she loves you, please don't stress out about "grinding her down" with what is going on with you, through thick and thin my friend, that's what a marriage is all about....hang in there, keep writing, and reaching out...we are here when you need us.....
    erin emoticon
    2896 days ago
    I take it the Clare is your better half. And you're right to be aware of her feelings, it's no fun living with someone that has depression. Not easy to used too. Clare needs to see the doctor and get into a support group. While you're having it tough now, can you imagine what it'd be like without her? Chris you have to give this issue some serious attention, NOW. Two people together are four times stronger than two individuals.
    2896 days ago
    I know how you feel about going to the emergency room often. I had two or three (I can't remember which) in the last 6 months and sometimes when I get sharp pains in my chest I think, "Oh, God, here we go again." I have always been sent away with the feeling that there is nothing wrong but also have been told not to ignore those. Lately I have been having sharp pains in my ribs in my back and so I don't worry about those.

    I do worry when I read the reports from the ER as I feel they are not "up front" with me and actually saw an EKG report that said I had "silent MI" of "undetermined age" but none of my doctors (including the ER) have ever mentioned this to me. I insisted on having an echocardiogram to be sure everything is okay about a month ago and there were some concerning things on that but my internist just said "everything is okay." I am now thinking I should see a cardiologist to have this report explained to me as I am worried about the result and my internist just sort of has a "wait and see" attitude that has me not feeling "taken care of"

    Anyhow, as far as symptoms of stroke or heart attack, even though so far nothing has been found (for you or me) it is best to get checked out just in case it's a real problem.

    Hope your medications help you feel better. (I am on about 10 prescriptions at present due to various conditions.) emoticon
    2896 days ago
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