I'm grateful for my Spark Family. For real.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

I don't know where to begin. I'm truly at a loss for words, so this may come out as a bunch of jumbled thoughts randomly typed into cyberspace.

I tend to operate in black and white. All or nothing. (Most of the time, or at least Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and the weekends.) I can go from being completely ecstatic at my success and than at the drop of a hat feel so completely inadequate. This my friends is my biggest obstacle. (Myself.) As some of you may already know, I've been successful in the past at losing 40, 50 even 60 pounds. I've done it. FOUR TIMES. And this is why I'm scared poopless right now! I think I'm trying to "head-tap" myself to figure out, "Why?"

I'm sure a psychologist would ask, "Do you think you're not deserving of success?" I would immediately answer, "Of course I deserve it!" But if I TRULY wanted it, worked so hard for it, lost sleep over it --how come it's also fleeting? It never last. It's never sustainable. I think I may have figured out some of the reasons why.

Hear me out.

I've been getting ( I love it. Not gonna lie. Thank you for stroking a girls ego.) many compliments from family and friends, co-workers and acquaintances that they are seeing a change in my physical appearance. (So far, so good.) I get all huffy because nothing in my closet fits. (Still good. A nice problem to have when your clothes are too big. Then you KNOW changes are happening) Still with me? THEN here it comes. I go shopping. (This is where I tend to loose touch with reality). Not one or two outfits. But obscene amounts of clothing. I wear my new clothes, feeling all fancy and brand new for a month or two and... BAM! I get complacent. I lose focus. All because I could squeeze my ass into smaller clothes and in the interim got a bigger head from all the compliments.

I start missing my gym dates. I lose track of what I'm eating. Then the evil cycle repeats itself. Before I've even realized what's happened, I'm back up 15 maybe 20 pounds. My new clothes start getting tight. That's okay, I've got the old ones that can fit.

See what I mean? Shopping is what gets ME. I need to stay far, far, FAR away from malls and clothing stores! SO, I reached out to my Spark Family for help and support. Man did I sure get it! This is something that I HAVEN'T had before. The loving support of dozens of other people who know what I'm going through. I knew y'all would understand. I knew y'all had something that would be encouraging or inspiring to me. I tell you one thing. I think I may have just found my "aha moment". Wanna know why? I had an epiphany. I CAN do this. I AM worth it. I'm NOT a quitter and I plan on finishing what I started. Dammit. Why? Because I said so.

So, if I start gettin' all fancy, could someone PUH-LEEZE give me a reality check? I promise to take everything in the vein for which it's intended. (Out of love.) On a serious note. I truly am grateful. I'm connected to each of you in some weird way and I don't mind it. I'm just glad you took the time to listen to me and I know you have my back. So, thank you.

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