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Discouraged, but trying to start again

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Ok, time to come clean. I have gained back half of what I took over 2 years to lose in the last 6 months. Yes, this is partly due to a medication change that made my thyroid medicine less effective and also affected my appetite (so I'm always hungry). I'd love to blame all 15 lbs on those facts, but I can't. I have to try to take some responsibility. I have not exercised as much as I should have, I have stopped tracking calories, and I know I've been eating too much. On the bright side, many of my positive habits have stuck. I still drink mostly water, and no soda, and I eat more whole fruit and less chips. I would never sit down and eat half a bag of regular potato chips and dip (anymore). So yes, some things are still with me. I'm so frustrated at myself for giving up and giving in to the negative thoughts I first had when the medicine change started to slow then halt my progress. If I would have kept up with my routines, it's very possible I would not have gained so much back. Would I have gained something? Probably, but it wouldn't be 15 lbs, and I wouldn't be looking at at least a years worth of work just thrown away. I'm really trying to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back to Sparkin'. It feels a lot like starting from the beginning. All the familiar feelings are there, the shame of failure, the guilt over how poorly I've treated my body, and the fear that even if I start again that I will fail yet again. I'm so tired of failing. I'm tired of trying so hard only to easily gain back what I had to work so hard to lose. I'm tired of my crappy self-esteem.

I don't want to wait until my surgery date to get back on track. Part of me says "What's the point, as long as you are on the meds, you'll never lose a thing", but I think really that's not the point. I need to get back to the "So what if I lose weight?" mentality. Yes I felt better when I lost weight, but right now what I need is to work on my health and my fitness. If I lose weight, great, but I really don't want that to rule how I feel about myself. I started out that way last time and didn't worry about the scale, only how I felt and if I was meeting my goals. I really want to do that again, but I know it's going to take a lot of work on my mind, not just my body, to get me there. So today I need to make a goal and I will do that again tomorrow and the next day. One little goal to start and I can go from there. I want to get back to tracking my food intake, but right now I just feel that I can't do that without feeling deprived and frustrated. So today my goal is, no mindless snacking, drink at least 3 bottles of water and eat nothing fried. I think that's doable. I will deal with tomorrow when it comes.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Good for you! It can be so hard sometimes to not throw your hands up in defeat when everything seems to be piling up against you. You'll help me to remember that every little positive bit helps. emoticon
    2608 days ago
    I am so glad that you have decided to move forward and not accept a setback as failure. One day at a time and setting doable goals.....you are awesome! I am SO proud of you!
    2609 days ago
    Glad you are willing to begin again. I am also glad you don't intend to wait until after surgery. Eating well will clearly help you through the surgery and the healing. Tale care, and yes tomorrow will take care of itself!!!
    2609 days ago
    Ok let's first focus on the things you did right...you are still drinking mostly water and you aren't drinking soda and you are eating fruits and veggies instead of chips. Those are huge accomplishments. emoticon emoticon All you have to do is start right now making more right choices....one day at a time...one step at a time. maybe start logging all your food to start. You are in the best place with all the necessary tools to make life changes. emoticon
    2609 days ago
    Hi - just stopping by to give support and encouragement. I too gained 20 lbs. back after I quit smoking in Aug. 2010 - I have been tracking my food and exercise for the last 3 wks on SP - but the scale has not moved....I refuse to let that deter me and my determination. The lifestyle changes I am making will prevail - and never, never quit and never, never put off what you can do today until tomorrow. Lets go hand-in-hand on our journey to a Healthier and Happier Lifestyle.
    God Bless.
    emoticon emoticon Terry
    2609 days ago
    emoticon I try to focus on the fact that I just generally feel good when I am working out and eating right. The scale has stopped moving for me right now but I hope that won't last, but the lifestyle change is really probably more important.
    2609 days ago
    emoticon One step at a time is all it takes. Don't give up on yourself! You know you can achieve anything you set your mind to...trust in yourself. It's good that you are setting achievable, reachable, doable goals. And you've stuck with some really good habits, which is impressive.

    Best of luck to you!
    2609 days ago
    Hang in there. Sometimes life throws us for a wild ride, and we just have to face those challenges head-on. You'll come out of this a better person. Just take tiny positive steps as much as you can, and you'll be able to lose it again. In the meantime, is it possible to take a different med? Good luck!!
    2609 days ago
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