Discouraged, but trying to start again
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Ok, time to come clean. I have gained back half of what I took over 2 years to lose in the last 6 months. Yes, this is partly due to a medication change that made my thyroid medicine less effective and also affected my appetite (so I'm always hungry). I'd love to blame all 15 lbs on those facts, but I can't. I have to try to take some responsibility. I have not exercised as much as I should have, I have stopped tracking calories, and I know I've been eating too much. On the bright side, many of my positive habits have stuck. I still drink mostly water, and no soda, and I eat more whole fruit and less chips. I would never sit down and eat half a bag of regular potato chips and dip (anymore). So yes, some things are still with me. I'm so frustrated at myself for giving up and giving in to the negative thoughts I first had when the medicine change started to slow then halt my progress. If I would have kept up with my routines, it's very possible I would not have gained so much back. Would I have gained something? Probably, but it wouldn't be 15 lbs, and I wouldn't be looking at at least a years worth of work just thrown away. I'm really trying to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back to Sparkin'. It feels a lot like starting from the beginning. All the familiar feelings are there, the shame of failure, the guilt over how poorly I've treated my body, and the fear that even if I start again that I will fail yet again. I'm so tired of failing. I'm tired of trying so hard only to easily gain back what I had to work so hard to lose. I'm tired of my crappy self-esteem.
I don't want to wait until my surgery date to get back on track. Part of me says "What's the point, as long as you are on the meds, you'll never lose a thing", but I think really that's not the point. I need to get back to the "So what if I lose weight?" mentality. Yes I felt better when I lost weight, but right now what I need is to work on my health and my fitness. If I lose weight, great, but I really don't want that to rule how I feel about myself. I started out that way last time and didn't worry about the scale, only how I felt and if I was meeting my goals. I really want to do that again, but I know it's going to take a lot of work on my mind, not just my body, to get me there. So today I need to make a goal and I will do that again tomorrow and the next day. One little goal to start and I can go from there. I want to get back to tracking my food intake, but right now I just feel that I can't do that without feeling deprived and frustrated. So today my goal is, no mindless snacking, drink at least 3 bottles of water and eat nothing fried. I think that's doable. I will deal with tomorrow when it comes.