Okay, I need to keep this short and sweet, but it's high time for an update, if for no other reason than to have this as a record for me to look back on later.
After getting all gung-ho again at the first of the year, then getting knocked down by illness, then losing steam over and over, I was feeling really frustrated. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't pull it together, why making the decision to go all out to lose weight wound up leaving me feeling like I was in a never-ending opposite day, finding myself bailing on workouts, stuffing my face, and doing exactly the wrong things to lose weight.
I think a big issue for me is that I'm a perfectionist. I get really down on myself when I'm not perfect, and while I've really gotten much better about it recently, in part due to my weight loss journey itself, I still really let it get to me at times. I had sort of an epiphany over the past few weeks because of the tests I've taken for my class and to get into the nursing program. Every time I take a test, if I don't know every single answer, I feel like I failed. I walk out knowing that I wasn't perfect, and then feel just horrible, certain that I'm going to fail completely. It's totally irrational. In reality, I haven't gotten a 100% on any of my class tests, but I still have an A so high it would be really hard to even slip down close to getting a B. On the standardized placement test I took at the beginning of February, I scored in the 99th percentile for verbal and science, 95th for math, and it took a few days after getting my results for me to finally realize that the only thing I was focused on was the fact that I hadn't gotten all of the questions right. In fact, I was annoyed that it was even possible to get into the 99th percentile without a perfect score. Never mind that to get into the program, it doesn't matter what I score, as long as it was over 50th in science and math and 90th in verbal.
So, thinking about those tests led me to realize that I have been treating weight loss the same way. I have been trying so hard to be perfect that I was starting to feel like a complete failure when I didn't do everything right. And so, for the past couple of weeks, I just decided to let go a little bit. It's been a crazy time, with school and kiddo stuff and hubby out of town and a side project going on, and I have just decided to go with the flow. I've tried to fit in some fitness every day, I've concentrated on eating balanced, portion-controlled meals, and I've felt good. I'm not trying to be perfect, I'm just doing what I can. I've lost two pounds, so I'm back to 170 again. I feel good both physically and mentally for the first time in a while.
I also realized this weekend that even though the scale has been stubborn, I've clearly lost inches. I can't for the life of me find my tape measure, and I'm dying to know the grand total, but, after giving my body a real and honest look this weekend, I know I have made progress. Screw the scale, my body DOES look different. And so I tried on my favorite two-piece swimsuit, the same one I tried on in November before starting P90X. At that time, I had put it on, and things were smushing out of seams so badly, I took it right off. Yesterday, I put it on and decided that, while my body isn't perfect, and I'm going to feel a bit self-conscious, especially about my belly, I am going to wear two-pieces on my vacation in three weeks. I'm nervous, but I don't think I'm going to totally embarrass myself. My back, chest, arms, and butt look great. My thighs are firm, and although I'm not totally happy with them, they do look muscular. My belly is... okay. Not great, but not the bowl of jelly I had a few months ago. I have some muscle definition in my abs, and I'm generally slimmer. As SEEHOLZ said, I think I am ready to wear a two-piece, rather than calling attention to myself by wearing a one-piece.
I really wish I could find my tape measure, but the point is that I have been so focused on the scale, so frustrated by my perceived lack of success, that I really was shocked to realize that I have actually been making progress all this time. I even went shopping yesterday, and I totally wear a size 10 now, with room to spare! I probably should have tried on 8's in a couple of things, but I didn't want to push it.
In other news, I started swimming lessons and TRX last week. Both were embarrassing and humbling. I even had to leave TRX because I felt like I was going to pass out, although I did come back in later. But they were both really, really great. I will have to do a lot of work to improve in both of them, but I'm excited to continue. I'm so happy to have the chance to learn new things, and I am really happy that fitness has become such an adventure!
Anyway, that's what's going on with me. I'm sorry I haven't been around much. I hope you are all doing well!