Snow on the grass
Monday, February 21, 2011
It was 70 degrees Friday and I woke up to snow on the grass. WTF? Anyway....
It's been a while since I've written mostly because I am still going through a hard time emotionally. And strangely enough it hasn't really effected my working out or eating right other than the occasionally spur of the moment decision to get ice cream lol. But I have been really wanting to write for a while so I have 20 mins before I have to leave for work and wanted to update all of you.
I made the call last week to my insurance carrier to see a therapist. Unfortunately I can't just make a call and go. I have to have the place I am going call my insurance and everything has to be approved. To be honest, I can't pinpoint what is upsetting/bothering/depressing me right now. I can't blame it all on my relationship because while there are stresses there right now, it's not 100% the problem. Work is extra stressful and school is becoming harder and harder as time goes on. And I have never been one to deal well with stress. I usually get myself all worked up then just cry. And that's what I have been doing lately which is kind of why I decided I needed to talk to someone. I randomly was breaking down in public places, just getting so upset I couldn't control it and starting to cry. I started to cry in the middle of Rockerfellar Center yesterday, ruining our trip. My boyfriend kind of understands, he had his own anxiety problems back in high school but no one can really know what is going on in your brain. I guess I'm lucky I still get up and go to the gym every day. Some people get to this point and let EVERYTHING go. But I think the gym and working out is the only thing keeping me on the ground right now. Even if I binge like I just did (had half an eggplant parm sub in the fridge. This morning I had a bowl of kashi before the gym, then after gym had my usual eggs on a wrap. Then, like a zombie I walked to the fridge took the sandwich out and took a bite. I think I took four bites before I at least told myself to take it off the bread. So I did. But it's 10 AM, and I decided THAT was my lunch so I'm only bringing a small salad for lunch). Even if I binge like I did, and I have been in small increments, I don't gain weight because of my efforts at the gym. Having that control knowing I am in charge of my physical well being is a great thing for me to focus on in hard times. But it's frustrating because I want to see changes and I was seeing huge changes in the past 2 weeks with how tight I was getting and my muscles were looking leaner. And this weekend threw me for a loop. To be honest I don't think I went over in calories either day, and if I did not by much, but it was WHAT i ate. CHEESY quesadillas, a big cheeseburger. But on those days I made those my big meal of the day and didn't eat any other meals. So I tell myself I am okay but I hate having to fight myself when it comes to accepting I overate and being okay with it. I have a really hard time with that.
Anyway, getting back to the main issue, I am just an emotional wreck right now. I KNOW I am getting depressed when EVERYTHING makes me cry, and the only thing I want to do is come home and lay down and watch tv and be alone. I just remember the feeling in high school where that was all I did because I was so depressed having no friends and being enormous. I don't know if I am technically depressed because it doesn't interfere with my daily activities, although it kills my ambition to work and I did take a personal day yesterday because of it. I still work out and eat healthy 80% of the time. So I don't know, I can't diagnose myself which is why I am going to a therapist. I just need it soon, and this waiting is horrible. And on top of everything Matt is away for training this whole week. And the anxiety of being alone and worrying about the house and everything by myself is a lot in itself.
So I wanted to update you all. When I have time tonight I am coming on and catching up on all of my friend's blogs. I've glanced here and there and know I have some reading to do tonight. Everyone here has such a positive outlook, and I used to have that. I just have a lot going on and need guidance on how to handle it. I know I'll be okay if I'm given the correct tools on how to handle what is going on around me.
Thanks for listening.