GARDENCHRIS
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My Son Joe

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Morning, don't ask why I've decided to write about Joe is my oldest.

He has so many of his dad's personality traits. He and I were always at ends with each other, through all the dark times of my divorce from his dad. Of course this caused much conflict. Him always wanting to hurt me over some perceived slight. I always trying to get inside his head and trying to understand why.

About 8 years ago he was acting his usual self with friends and family here at the house. I guess I decided that that was finally enough....I asked him in front of everyone, as they looked at him, why he continually wanted to hurt me by his comments ALL the time?

I then told him if he could not behave himself to leave. I would not tolerate this behavior any more, and would walk out when he acted this way. As he was in MY house, he had to leave now. Of course he got mad and mad a bit of a fuss, but he left.

Over the course of a few years, when family issues necessitated me being there with him present, and he started acting out, I just got up and left the gathering. I even left my brother's second wedding during the reception, because he became hateful. I was so hurt that time, one of my other sons asked me to come back in and enjoy myself. I was crying at this point and said I really sorry but I can not go back there. That I would NOT be treated this way anymore by Joe, that he needed to understand that , and behave.

It took awhile before he realized that I would not allow him to hurt me in this way anymore. After some time, there came a time where we had to be together for some time alone during a family issue. I told him how much I loved him, and that I wished things could be better between us, because I did not want this type of relationship to be between us.

For whatever reason he opened up to me about things that had been bothering him about the divorce from his dad. We cried and promised to work on having a better relationship.

It is much better now. He still has a very edgy personality! I must admit that the whole family is rather sarcastic which is not a bad thing in and of it self! It helped us all get through so much, LOL ! We are much better now though, when I feel he starts to cross the line I just look at him and tell him to behave, usually with a smile.

He and my daughter in law are trying to get pregnant. She has had 2 miscarriages. It is such a sad time for them. I am trying to be very supportive without crossing some imaginary line to meddling. Sometimes it is hard, as she does not have a good relationship with her mom, and I want to step in and nurture her.

Families are such complicated things. Such fragile, complex beings we are!

I pray for them as they navigate this time in their lives. He is My son and I do love them both. I am so ready for a grandchild! :)

To my Son Joe, Love Mom.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD3604344
    Wow...what a story that I am sure many moms can relate to. I so felt your pain. My mom and I did not always have
    relationship. She always thought I was like my dad, she did not separate me from him for years. It took me finally getting upset with her and leaving for a while before things got better.

    I am so very happy to know your son was able to open up to you....you so deserve a good life and respect. Thanks you for sharing this story!!
    3649 days ago
  • JOYMEDSALE
    Spring will come soon! Thanks for visiting my blog. So glad you are getting along with your son. I have a son - in - law that has never speaks to me or my husband or other children. It is very painful, and really messes up my relationship with my daughter. Family stuff can be so very painful.

    Where bouts in northern Illinois are you? I live in Lake Villa, up by the Wisconsin state line.

    Take care,
    Joy

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    3651 days ago
  • GCHUNG
    Wow - I commend your strength to not let someone so dear to you as your son to abuse your relationship. Sometimes the people the closest don't realize how easy it is to hurt you. The same comment from a stranger or an acquaintance does not have the same impact as someone you love. I am so proud of you in handling such difficult situation.
    3660 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5285708
    I dod hope your relationship with your son continues to improve.
    3661 days ago
  • CATHY814
    I praise you for both standing your ground on drawing a line in the sand and also for working on making the relationship better. I lost my mom before I was old enough to work through our issues, and it is a hurt I will live with the rest of my life.
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    3662 days ago
  • JUSTLYLE
    Was so glad you wrote about family, it's nice to put in writing, so glad things are doing better. So sad about the miscarriages, they are REAL tough. We will just keep praying.

    Skeeter emoticon
    3663 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1315172
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    3663 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9140839
    You are an amazing woman! So glad that things are working out between you 2, I will pray for them to have that much longed for child. I had to wait for about 7 years for our little Josiah, we never thought we would have another baby, but he is living proof that God does answer prayers!!!!! emoticon
    3663 days ago
  • JET150
    Probably the best gift you gave Joe was telling him you did not have to take his bad behavior, and then following through. That had to be hard. You are right families are complex and fragile, but it sounds like you all have decided yours is worth working for.
    3663 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    All I can say is I'm living your previous experiences with my own 18 yr. old son right now. He turned 18 in August. 2 days later he decided that he was going to leave via the bedroom window (his sister and I found the window screen on the lawn then she found a note "Left. Moving out. Back Saturday for my stuff." How cowardly a way to leave is that!) Anyway, we were always @ odds, too. We did try to help him with lots of psychological help, but to no avail. He wanted no part of it. So, once he turned 18, there really was no control we could exert over him. He is surviving, but really not caring for himself. **SIGH** He still keeps in touch sometimes, but he was that surly, nasty person you described of Joe. He was always nice to the OUTSIDE world, but not to me. IT really does hurt and takes such time to get over. But honestly, finding this group and working on myself has given me such peace.

    I wish your son and his wife all the best in trying to start a family. Been through that one, too!
    3663 days ago
  • CAPECODLIGHT
    What a lovely piece you have written - just reinforces that love and forgiveness is the key to family life. It also is a testimony to demanding that we all be treated with respect and dignity. Nicely done!
    3663 days ago
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