Saturday, February 19, 2011
That's it I can't take it anymore. I'm so tired of pretending to be something that I'm not. I'm tired of forcing myself to reach impossible goals. I'm done with this. I just can't do it anymore and I quit!!! One of my friends says to be positive and to make that a goal well I'm positive that this is it I am done. I quit!!
I quit beating myself up for not being perfect. I quit putting myself down anytime I don't reach a goal. That's it I'm done trying to force myself to be a robot who has no way for growth and learning. I've taken something I love and I've turned it into a punishment for not being perfect. But really this is not just about running its about a lot of things in my life. I have got to get back into the belief and living that everything happens for a reason; that life is full of opportunities for growth.
Of course running is what brought this on. As I set out today determined to ignore all distance and time. I just wanted to run until I didn't feel like and then I walked and then I ran some more. I had my calorie and distance counters on but no annoying little voice telling me how far I had come or how much I had left. I even did a different route so I wouldn't know when I had reached a mile or two or half way. I ran for about 13 minutes and then had to stop. My armband with my iPhone in it had come loose and was flopping near my elbow and that was driving me insane so I started walking to fix it but it slipped from my hands and crashed to the ground. Thankfully my phone was in the armband so that protected it. Anyway that caused me to stop and is why I knew the time but once I had things situated I was off again. Unfortunately I had lost a lot of momentum and had come to a part in the route that is hill. Not too steep but one of those long gradual climbs. I made it about half way up and stopped again. Anyway I won't go into all the details but between the walking and the running I did 3.38 miles in 51 minutes. I'm okay with that.
I realized today that I've been so focused on being perfect that I have stopped listening to my needs. I finished week 6 strong but then forced myself to do week 7 while sick and have suffered through week 8. I realized that I wasn't ready. I made excuses but I wasn't ready to move on to week 8. Yes I did run 25 minutes all through week 7 and I did the 28 on Monday but the point is that mentally I wasn't ready to go on. I can physically do it but I'm still in that frame of mind that I can't make it and until I get my head on straight I'm not doing myself any favors. So I've decided to go back to week 6. I'm going to do it until I feel comfortable and then I'll move on to week 7 and continue that way until the end. I don't need to follow the program exactly what I need is the guidance to follow along but like all things in my life I need to take the lessons and learn from them and grow from them in my own way.
I had to realize that at one point I was terrified to run for 3 minutes and the first time I had to run for 5 minutes I was panicked. The same continued on until week 6 when I was actually challenged and struggled to get through. Running 3 minutes now is a cake walk and 5 minutes is nothing but a warm up. I know that if I keep at it then 25 minutes will be common place and eventually running 3 miles will be just another daily run. I've only been running for a couple months so I needed to realize that I'm still new at this and I need to take it slowly until I'm ready to move forward. My new goal is to feel comfortable running again and to regain the confidence and motivation I had in the beginning. When I find that enjoyment again then I'll be ready to move on.
The same goes for so many things in my life but I seem to be okay there. I look at my weight loss and think how wonderful 9 pounds is and how amazing it is that I have drank the right amount of water everyday for the last 47 days and how I've been practically perfect on my nutrition. I think about how I'm on day 5 of the 28 day challenge and how awesome it is that I haven't skipped or cheated. I look at the fact that I've continued to stay cigarette free and that even when I was massively upset the other day I thought about running instead of buying a pack of cigarettes. There are so many areas in my life where I am a success and I need to be careful to make sure I treat myself well in all areas not just in healthy eating and exercise. I'm worth it in all areas and I for one can't wait to see the end results and look back at this incredible journey.
How's that for being positive?