Ready for Change
Thursday, February 17, 2011
It is obvious to all of you by now that I am still here on SP. I had every intention of leaving and of quitting. I had every intention of giving up on this whole process. But then someone who shall remain nameless (because even though she may be right, I can't very well admit that for the world to see can I?) told me I was frustrated and I was being rash. I thought about it for a week or so and came to realize that maybe she was right. Maybe I was being rash. More than that maybe I was looking for an excuse to quit. I am a lot of things, but one thing I am not and never have been is a quitter and I don't intend to start now.
I joined Sparkpeople on January 7th, 2009. Two years I have been here. Two years I have sat on my butt. Two years I have not put in the type of effort that I want to, need to and can. Instead I have spent that time dwelling on my failures, my weakness and my lack of belief in myself. For two years I have sat around whining about how I can't do this instead of just getting off my butt and doing it. For two years I have made excuse after excuse about why I can't and why I am not worth it. TWO YEARS!!!
Someone recently said to me in not so many words that when things are going great this is easy for me. But the minute some adversity is thrown in I want to throw in the towel. I hate to say it but it is SO true. My latest excuse has been the stress fracture in my foot. I was starting training for my first 5k and wouldn't you know it I broke my foot. I had all the power to watch what I was eating and exercising to the best of my ability but instead I let it derail me, I let it throw me into another downward spiral of self destruction and self doubt. It stops now, it has to.
To date I have lost 38.1 pounds. It was more than that at one point but I have gained some. I seem to have been going round the same circle for the last year or so. I take one step forward and 10 steps back. It is a frustrating pattern to be in. I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking and trying to figure out why I am in the place I am. Why this is so SO hard for me. Why i sit and think I should work out, or not eat this or that and almost every time I consciously make the wrong decision. The only answer I can come up with is that I am scared. Scared of what is beyond this and scared of failure. If I am going to be scared though I may as well be scared while I am trying and work through things as they come. Seems much more logical.
Quitting spark would have been a stupid and rash decision based on passing frustration. This place has been a blessing to me. I came here to find support from people with the same struggles as me and I have gained SO much more than that. Saying spark has done nothing for me would be a slap in the face to those of you who have loved and supported me. Some of you have become like family to me, people I could not imagine my life without. One person has become one of my best friends, ALL of you have your own place and have pushed me and encouraged me. THANK YOU for that. Thank you for putting up with my wishy washyiness. You are ALL special to me. All that to say you are stuck with me whether you like it or not.
Today HAS to and WILL be a day of change for me. I am ready. Even if my mind and my heart take a little time to get on the same page I will no longer sit and let my life pass me by.
Much love to all of you!!